OKCupid: Fatties

29 Jan

You know how it is.  Lotta fatties on OKC.  Your first harbinger of this— I mean, besides everybody knowing that the internet is full of fat chicks, this fact having suffused our popular culture, etc.—your first harbinger of this is the weight class list it makes you pick from, which has like two words for skinny and fifteen different kinds of fat.

Because of course we all know “average” means fat. These eighteen to thirty-five year old L.A. girls are generously assorting  themselves according to the national average across all age groups. Not the average for eighteen to thirty-five year olds in Los Angeles, California, as a reasonable layman would expect “average” to mean when looking for that age group in this city.  These girls are following the letter of the law and not the spirit, like Hasids who string yarn along the telephone wires on their block so they’re technically in an enclosed space and can walk around on the Sabbath. So “average” means fat.

“Curvy” means fat.  Not a chick with big boobs and a big ass but otherwise reasonably fit proportions, as a reasonable layman would expect it to mean.  “Curvy” means “I am fat but I have big tits. And I don’t want to be lumped in with these inferior small titted fatties, and besides when guys look at me they don’t see ‘fat,’ they see ‘tits,’ so the defining feature of my physical being is tits and I’m gonna put ‘curvy.’”  “Curvy” also has the advantage of seeming more erotic, like “voluptuous.”  “Curvy“ is a fat girl who will give you doe eyes in a bar and suck your dick on the first date. There’s a sub class of “curvy” who purport to be the reasonable layman’s definition of “curvy,” and they always have a big paragraph about how “CURVY DOES NOT MEAN ‘FAT’ IT MEANS I HAVE BIG BOOBS AND A BIG BUTT AND I AM NOT LIKE ALL THE OTHER FAT ‘CURVY’ GIRLS ON HERE,” which, I bet if you showed up to a date with these girls, they would be fat.  There are also fat girls with small tits who say “curvy,” which– get the fuck out of here.  By the way, fat girls with small tits—God.  You must have torched a village in a past life.

And let’s not even get into what a cruel joke the word “few” in “a few extra pounds” is.  And “athletic,” and “fit,” which through sad experimentation I have learned  both mean a fat chick with muscle under her fat, not the lean vegan Pilates instructor build you’d think “fit” meant for an eighteen to thirty five year old woman in Los Angeles.  So, unless it says “thin,” the girl is going to be fat.

And even “thin—“ I bet the dishonesty creep that  internet dating causes, you know, everybody exaggerating just a little bit and then everybody else has to exaggerate just a little bit more to compete— so that by the time my son is dating on the holographic cybernetic implant internet, all women will be “thin” and all men will be nine feet tall and earning six billion dollars a year– I bet this means that a lot of girls who describe themselves as “thin” are in fact fat.  Because they are again comparing themselves to the national average which is heavily weighted down by fifty-five year old women with eight grandkids who work at the Hormel factory and get to bring home factory-irregular packages of spam and chili which they then gnaw on while watching Ron Popeil roaster infomercials late into the night.  They are slightly below this national average so therefore they must be “thin.”  Or they were thin once.  They were thin once and gained weight but “thin” is still their concept of themselves, which, the evidence is right there– just look at all my photos from 2005; I am “thin.”  I bet a lot of the time when you message a thin girl and she shows up for the first date she’s fat.  Although I don’t know for sure since a thin girl has never messaged me back.

So there’s a lot of fat chicks.

And look man, I don’t need to tell you that when you’re trying to get a date, being fat is a pretty big fucking deal.  Obviously I’m focusing on women here but for the guys, too—I know there’s this idea that you’re constantly seeing fat bald schlubs walking around with chicks who look like Zooey Deschanel, and that for men appearance isn’t that important and etc. etc. But this is bullshit.  I only ever see chicks who look like Zooey Deschanel walking around with guys with button noses and lantern jaws, and less than ten per cent body fat.  Guys who look like Casper Van Dien and are built like champion kick boxers and had a seven episode arc on some CW show. Those are the guys who are pulling that waitress who when she briefly placed her hot palm on your shoulder when presenting the check you felt like– you felt a tickly feeling like the first time you ever jacked off and thought you were some secret genius who had invented it.

So being fat matters; it is a big deal, and you know, dating is a big deal.  I have a career type job, many friends, a delightful pet cat, and rewarding hobbies, but still– all I ever think about is: how am I gonna meet women?  Dating is a big deal.  So why do you allow yourself to hold on to this massive disadvantage in this most important area of life?  There’s some things you can’t change, obviously—I for one have a face that looks like it was severely damaged with a piece of farm equipment, and there’s nothing I can do about that.  But you better god damn believe I have meaty pectorals with what appears to be a zipper zigzagging down between them, and visible obliques, and a fingery lattice of muscle crisscrossing over my ribs when I lift my arms above my head, and different muscle groups kind of elbowing each other out of the way when I flex my ass in the mirror, which I often do.  And biceps with a peak on them, and etc. etc.  All of this covered with a solid but not Jersey-Shore-ostentatious fake tan to highlight the contrast between these various chiseled muscles.

And I have bought these things with great pain because dating is fucking important.  Finding a mate to spend the rest of your motherfucking life with is important.  And sad as  it may be, people are fucking shallow.

But maybe, for the fattie, getting into the best possible shape isn’t a matter of merely going to the gym and just sucking up the hours of agony and tedium. Maybe for a fat chick the parallel is, like— for me, I hate my job where I spend ten hours per day; I am generally self-loathing, I have never traveled, and I have accomplished nothing of worth, ever.  And maybe my asking them “why are you so fat” isn’t like asking “why don’t you just go to the gym?” Maybe it’s like asking me: “why are you so broke?  Why are you so mean? Why are you so miserable? Why don’t you just get your fucking life together and use your talents to do something you love, and maybe you wouldn’t hate yourself.”  Maybe changing their body in this way is a complex, difficult, life-changing process involving deep and painful self examination.  Maybe it’s a shattering of one’s world so huge that you look at the distance between here and there and don’t even know where to begin.

Or maybe they just think someone will be able to look past their looks and see inside to the beautiful person they truly are. Which– fucking come on, man.

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20 Responses to “OKCupid: Fatties”

  1. Heather May 18, 2012 at 10:25 am #

    I think the OKC options for body type are dumb. I have to put thin, although I don’t consider myself thin- I have a butt and hips, but I’m not fat at all. I’d put average, but the average woman in America is fat. They should have an option that says, “healthy”. Anyhow, you know what you wrote isn’t entirely true- you met me in person and I am not a fatty.

    • Anonymous June 23, 2012 at 8:05 am #

      How would you know he doesn’t think your a fatty?

    • Heather is fat June 23, 2012 at 8:06 am #

      How would you know he doesn’t think your fat? For all you know your a land whale.

    • Kari January 24, 2013 at 9:41 am #

      I agree! I am under weight, but I have a boobs, a butt, and a small waist, which makes me curvy. But ‘curvy’ does in fact equal fat on OKC, as does ‘healthy’.
      Who gives a sh*t anyway, the catfishes who are trolling OKC are in full effect. Lying about their, age, height, profession, and posting fake pictures.

  2. Sara July 18, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    I’m 5’5″ 122lbs. and see myself as “fit”. I didn’t know that people read that as fat?

    • Jake August 12, 2012 at 9:58 am #

      5’5″, 122lbs = a few extra pounds if it’s an off-my-game night, or get-out-of-my-way-fattie on a good night (or while living anywhere in SE Asia or Eastern Europe)

  3. Constance August 12, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    Breaking news! People misrepresent themselves on personal dating sites!

    Maybe a 170# woman does consider herself “average”; after all, the average dress size in the U.S. is 14. Maybe I’m disappointed that the guy who described himself as having “a great sense of humor” can’t elicit more from me than a polite smile.

    At least those flaws are apparent within the first few minutes of meeting. That’s why you always make the first meeting a casual coffee — and warn the other person you won’t be able to stay long.

    If the person you meet is too short / too fat / too dull / too bald / has bad teeth / etc., you explain politely you don’t think it would work, thank them for their time, and no harm, no foul. You don’t get your panties in a twist just because some stranger didn’t meet your (probably overblown) expectations.

  4. Constance August 12, 2012 at 2:05 pm #

    Addendum. Why are so many (self-described hot) guys looking for hot women on the internet, anyway? Maybe it seems time-efficient and low-investment, but it isn’t, really. It’s more like embarking on an endless round of job interviews for jobs you’re unlikely to either want or get.

    Look, it you want to fnd a pool of young, HWP females, you gotta go where those girls are. Join a coed sports team or an amateur theatre group. Brush up on your photography skills and offer free portfolios to models. Something you’d enjoy doing, that has a favorable M:F ratio, and would get you out of your compulsive routine.

    • aneroidocean November 21, 2012 at 1:26 pm #

      Thanks for the advice on how to find and approach women, from a woman. I will promptly file that in the round file.

      Coed sports teams rarely have single attractive women that aren’t wanton sluts. Amateur theater group? Hipsters and generally not that attractive. Photography skills and free portfolios to models? You’re not going to get the cream of the crop at all. Once you get good you may be able to pull some decent girls, but the truly attractive model wannabe girls are getting PAID to work, not hanging out for the chance at some half decent photos.

      Online dating is just another way to see a lot of options. It doesn’t mean the option pool is that much better, but it has it’s advantages, and can save some serious time.

  5. Count Zero January 9, 2013 at 3:04 pm #

    You never travelled? That is really sad. I pity you. So many nice places to go to and some of them even full of lovely women who call you “hansum man” when you walk past them. :)

    • Anonymous March 29, 2013 at 6:39 pm #

      And they’ll even fuckee suckee for fie dolla.

  6. Anonymous April 17, 2013 at 6:47 am #

    Or, we could all stop worrying about each other’s weight and try to have a good time with each other

    • breathingitall June 17, 2013 at 9:29 pm #

      Maybe if you’re blind. For me, at least, it’s just hard to get it up for fatties so the good times never start. Please don’t come back with, “you haven’t had a good time until you’ve done it with a plumper” because, trust me, I just can’t get past the mental image.

      Why is it that we can expect wild animals to not be overweight without us at least thinking “hey, that just doesn’t look right”, but when looking at a human animal you must be less judgmental?

      • hilarious December 3, 2013 at 11:11 am #

        Life is infinitely better when you’re in shape. Take it from me I was a fat dude once. So stop making up excuses and find the measily 3 hours out of your week to exercise. Oh yeah and eat healthy too. I bet if you tried you would find healthy food that you actually like.

  7. Lane September 25, 2014 at 6:16 am #

    I’ve seen morbidly obese guys select “a few extra pounds.” And by morbidly obese I mean those whose BMI puts them in that category. They don’t necessarily look like Jabba the Hutt. It seems they have arbitrary guidelines for what fat means.

    Of course, every fat girl selects “curvy.” I don’t know what to put, since I really have only a few pounds extra and I’m working to lose them. So I put Average. But whose average? I don’t know. (I’m not from the USA, the average in my country is actually slim!)

    You shouldn’t trust anyone until you see them. Or you should ask if those full body photos are recent, if there are any. Or ask to see them on webcam.

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