More on Porn

18 Mar

It’s funny that the kind of porn I want to watch– young, attractive people who appear to actually like each other having sex in non-gymnastic positions until he ejaculates in her– it’s funny that this is a fetish.  Specifically, if you don’t want to see a guy blow a fire-hydrant like load on a chicks face while she pretends to lick it up from around her mouth, you must watch “creampie” porn, which started out as just, you know, regular fucking except the guy blows his load inside her, and has devolved now into a whole subgenre where the girl lets the jizz dribble out of her gaping ass into a martini glass which is on top of a plexiglass coffee table so you can shoot from below, and then drinks out of the glass.  Or it’s one of those fake “amateur” porns that reintroduces theatrical acting into the porn, a scenario where the girl repeatedly says “don’t cum inside me don’t cum inside me” and then he cums inside her, albeit holding his dick so only the very tip is in her to insure the jizz remains fully visible as the camera cuts to it oozing out before panning up to the girl’s face where she is cartoonishly slanting her eyebrows into an “angry” expression while berating him.  You can’t just have a couple fucking and then he starts going a little faster, then suddenly grabs her real hard and pushes into her while holding her in a deathgrip like a koala bear on a eucalyptus and makes a dopey face likes he’s taking a shit and then relaxes.  Which is all I want to do in life, you know, just cum in a chick and then relax.  But you can’t see that in porn. 

Someone should make a porn site that is just normal good looking people fucking.  That’s all I want.  I want a chick who, while she is self-evidently a porn star, does NOT have a tattoo on her lower back, or a rhinestone in her navel, or black roots with platinum blonde tips.  Who if a guy wants to cum on her face will maybe meekly accept it and then flinch a little and close her eyes, but not sit there watching him jack off and deliver a whole monologue of oh yeah oh baby cum all over me.  I want to see a chick getting fucked in the ass and not pretending to be completely crazy about it but who merely tolerates it to be a good girlfriend and maybe lets loose an occasional discontented squeak or grunt of slight pain and annoyance.  I want to see a guy who brings a drunken first date home, can barely sustain an erection, but when he finally gets one, he cums in two minutes of missionary fucking and then passes out.

I want a porn where the chicks look like normal bar chicks except SLIGHTLY better caliber than anyone I might have pulled recently. I want the chicks in porn to look like the kind of girls I would be fucking if I were the slightly better looking, slightly less self loathing version of myself.  I want porn to look like the chicks I would be fucking if I were in a band. I want the girls in porn to look like the OKCupid girls who don’t email you back.

In fact, I specifically want the OKCupid girls who don’t email me back to perform in porn, preferably with a dude who looks like me and has the same size penis, and if I can jack off to that, there is no need for us to go on a date.  If you do this, I will stop emailing you.

3 Responses to “More on Porn”

  1. zia April 4, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

    Please write your novel now. It can’t be done with a FT job.

    • Anonymous April 21, 2012 at 10:25 am #

      I would buy DT’s novel.

  2. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn June 30, 2012 at 6:58 am #

    You’re not looking hard enough, dude, there’s plenty of porn out there like this. Yeah, I know the piece is all hyperbole, but… I can’t believe you would prefer Russian porn. That shit is just creepy and depressing. It’s always some emaciated little kid who looks like he just escaped from a gulag, with some fairly attractive girl (gotta give em that, Russian porn chicks are hot), but then every scene is the same – they’re in some dimly lit apartment in some eastern european commie bloc, with peeling wallpaper and rugs on the walls for some reason, and they’re sitting at a little kitchen table with a bottle of stoli and some kind of generic Russian cigarettes on it and a bowl of pickles, looking all sad… and you can almost picture the adidas tracksuit wearing mobster standing just outside the camera view gesturing with one hand for them to fuck while the other grips the bulge in his waistband.

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