Women of OKCupid:

29 Mar

Why are you all so god damn fucking boring?

There are about 3 profiles of single women in the greater Los Angeles area that reveal ANYTHING about the person whatsoever.  The rest, you are browsing this shit and you feel like God only made 5 people.

There’s the I was born in Wisconsin, went to school in Pennsylvania, came out to LA three years ago and haven’t looked back! The geography person. Who the fuck– we all live in America, we all watch the same TV shows, why the fuck do you think it matters one iota what state you came from. Unless it’s some weird shit like Alaska or Wyoming, this is genuinely the most meaningless information in the world. Even if you came from one of those places.  I’m not looking to get a state drunk and rawdog them; I want to do that to a person.

There’s the “contradiction” person.  This might be the blandest one of all.  I initially appear really shy and introverted, but once you get to know me I’m the life of the party! (This one often enjoys exclamation points).  I’m a traditional girl at heart, but I think outside the box! I’m a girly girl, but I love sports! I can be really nice and really mean!  I love reading books but I also enjoy trashy reality TV– shhh, don’t tell anyone!  Jesus– these fake examples I’m coming up with are actually more illuminating than the real thing.  This one is a deliberate construct that is designed to tell you nothing.

There’s the I-wont-tell-you-anything-about-me-but-I’ll-spend-thousands-of-words-telling-you-the-type-of-person-I-don’t-want-to-date person.  It’s either the “I’m done with liars, cheaters, abusive guys, guys who do drugs, etc.,” which means she will only fuck you if you are a drunken lying cheater who smacks her around.  These ones often have kids, by lying cheating abusers. Then there’s the You should message me if: “DON’T message me if you wear Ed Hardy!”   Ha ha ha Ed Hardy! How fucking stupid those Ed Hardy people are! I look down on shit that looking down on was played out in 1998.

And then there’s the worst. The worst. Which is: My self summary: “Ask me in person!”  Or the postmodern “it’s too awkward for me to write a self summary!”  Look– how are you people even fucking employed?  How do you write a cover letter and resume? Do you say “it’s too awkward for me to write this cover letter! Tee hee!” These are people who say truly exactly nothing. To you, I say:  I need you to admit something to yourself, that you are too much of a loser to meet someone in real life.  We all are. There is something wrong with every single one of us on here.  Either we are ugly, or fat, or awkward, or weird, or whatever.  Or we made a lifestyle choice that precluded us from meeting mates in the natural, normal way, which is just as bad a flaw as any of those inborn traits.  Because that shows that your life priorities are so fucking out of whack that you put absolutely no thought into what kind of life would actually bring you companionship and happiness. You failed at the biggest decision a person in modern society can make.  This fucking shit, this internet dating– this is the island of misfit toys.  The very fact that you are even on here means there is a huge chance that you are so deeply undateable that you will die alone, your bones gnawed by starving pets.  So you have to suck it up and actually put yourself out there.

The least you can fucking do is write a profile that tells me whether I’d be wasting my two hours and forty dollars going on a date with you. The least you can do is fucking GIVE ME SOMETHING, you chickenshit.  You are guarded because you think you are going to get messages from weird guys; you don’t want them to know anything about you. YOU ARE GOING TO GET MESSAGES FROM WEIRD GUYS ANYWAY.

Just– sit down at the computer, make your fingers move for fifteen minutes, blast out a couple pages of bullshit, and then go back and cut and paste it in Microsoft Word until it fucking TELLS ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.

There. Was that so hard?

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One Response to “Women of OKCupid:”

  1. mont March 29, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

    “Look – how are you people even fucking employed?”

    DUH. They have tits. Cover letter? Resume? I need a warm body to answer the phone, schedule staff meetings in Outlook, and hand out pay stubs; I don’t need a female Patton Oswalt to be riffing while she’s doing it. People come to the door, potentially to give the business money? I want a smiling blonde with perky breasts welcoming them and making them comfortable. Fine, fine, you have a lousy Comm degree from [insert local state school], you’re now our PR assistant or jr. Social Marketing lead; Psychology? Fine, you’ll be our HR coordinator when you hit your 30’s. But for now, sure, you’re hired, sit up front, greet visitors, do some filing, but your real job, sister, is to keep to the pilates routine 4 times a week so that I can get through the work day with something resembling natural interaction with a bright, attractive female. THAT’s how they have jobs.

    Cover letter? Haha yeah, that’s going to make more of a difference than if I can find unlocked bikini pics on their Facebook? Haha nope.

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