Originally Posted September 1, 2011:
So a woman went on a date off match.com; the guy was a convicted sexual batterer, and he went ahead and sexually battered her, too. So she sued them and now match.com is screening out sex offenders.
Or trying to. Wonder what the mechanics are here. Do you now have to give them your social security number? Is it men only? I mean, it’s a different beast than OKC because match.com is already taking your credit card number, so, they’re already in the business of identifying you as an individual human being. As far as OKC goes you could actually be a sentient jellyfish that got a hold of a keyboard somehow. That’s kind of the beauty of it.
By the way, match.com is also in the business of taking your credit card number and charging sixty nine ninety nine to it every three months, forever. It’s genius how they do this—every three months that sixty nine ninety nine shows up on your balance. You see it and think “what the fuck? I haven’t signed on to that shit in three years.” You call– you make a series of calls, emails, match tells you to call the bank, the bank tells you to call a different division of the bank, the different division of the bank tells you to call match, who tells you to email, you get no email back, you email again, you call again, etc., etc. and ultimately it turns out you have to do something like send a certified letter signed by a notary or bolstered by an Act of Congress or something and then MAYBE within ninety days they’ll stop charging your credit card. It becomes such a hassle to get off of match.com that you just forget about it for another three months, until you see that charge again and flip out. Maybe you even go on match, figure, fuck it, I’m payin’ for it. You go on match and it’s the exact same chicks that are on OKC, except they too haven’t logged on to match in three years.
Eventually you just change your credit card and I’m sure the match.com system still keeps pinging it every three months, trying to charge it, eventually sending five years worth of sixty nine ninety nine charges to some collection agency where it fucks up your credit rating and the debt gets sold for pennies on the dollar to some outfit out of Nevada that will call your former workplaces trying to track you down over a “private matter.” True story: the first time I got a weird charge from match.com I called the credit card company and they said “oh yes, this is match.com, to resolve this you have to call the company’s customer service directly. Here’s the number: one eight hundred blah blah blah.” And I said “oh, that’s nice– Bank of America keeps a database of customer service numbers on file for customers?“ And the rep said “no, the only one we have that for is match.com.” Seriously. They got called about match.com so many times that it’s the ONLY outside company number Bank of America keeps on hand.
Anyway, now they’re screening out sex offenders. The obvious question: are they throwing the public urinators in there, too? You always hear about this, how the guy taking a piss in the bush outside the Dodger game is going to have to sign up for life to be a registered sex offender. He’s going to have to go door to door every time he moves, forever, like Jesus in THE BIG LEBOWSKI, all crazy-eyed in slow motion, because he took a piss outside a Dodger game and therefore his dick was en plein air where a child might see it from 500 yards away. Although– you hear about this, but I did a Megan’s Law search for my neighborhood to see if there were any public urinators and:
A) Every single Megan’s Law convict in my area is on the site either for multiple counts of aggravated forcible rape or multiple counts of forced intercourse with a minor under fourteen yeards of age, or lewd and lascivious acts with a minor under fourteen years of age. So– the only possible bullshit ones are the “lewd and lascivious acts.” That sounds like maybe you showed them some porn or something, or talked dirty. But still, under fourteen. I like that the law has that distinction. I know we’re real puritanical about underage sex, but there really is a difference between under eighteen and under fourteen. I hope guys who get convicted of boning sixteen year olds have their crime listed as “lewd and lascivious acts with a minor under eighteen BUT over fourteen.” The law’s version of “eh, we’ve all jacked off to it.”
B) Every single Megan’s Law convict in my area looks EXACTLY like you would expect a forcible aggravated rapist or forcible copulator with a minor under fourteen years of age to look. Seriously, Echo Park Megan’s law is some central casting shit—mustaches, Mark David Chapman glasses, tawny thinning hair combed over a shiny sebaceous scalp. There’s some ethnic diversity in there but even the black guys have a cast like Stanley Tucci in LOVELY BONES. If you saw any of these guys on the street, you would INSTANTLY know that they are a multiply-offending aggravated forcible rapist and/or forcible copulator with minors under the age of fourteen. I bet they all drive primer-colored windowless vans too.
But back to the fucking point. Match.com is screening out sex offenders to avoid bad PR about a chick getting raped by a repeat offender. This is their 9/11 and the screening is their terror watch list, and soon we’re all gonna have to take off our shoes and have a stout Dennis Franz looking dude forage around our taint at the airport of internet dating. And you know what? Fine. This is one of the few areas in life where whether you’re a sex offender SHOULD matter. You should be kicked off match.com if you get convicted of rape, and you should not be able to be a mall Santa if you did three years for fingerfucking your niece. But frankly, these are the ONLY things the sex offender registry should be used for, instead of its curent overreaching fucking miasma of public humiliation, baiting of vigilantism, crushing of lives and careeres, banning public urinators from living within a thousand feet of schools in cities where there’s a fucking school every five hundred feet, etc. The sex offender registry is a cruel and unusual crock of shit and should have been completely done away with BUT not now, because they’ve finally found a legitimate use for it. I give a fuck about sex offenders in two areas of life: being around kids and being in the dating pool scaring the girls, and that’s it. I don’t give a shit if the guy at the muffler shop likes the bald pussy.
I mean of course, any sense of security you get from this is false, you can be sex offended at any time by anyone, the call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE, etc. And there’s no way they execute this without some poor John Hodgman-looking schlump with the same name as a rapist getting tracked down by a match.com torch mob and strung up. And sex crimes are overrreported as well as underreported, so a bunch of these guys probably did time for nothing because some child psychologist had a hard on to find some Satanic Ritual Abuse, and now this dude is out and he can’t even go on a date. And even TALKING about sex offenders, even doing something that ostensibly makes online dating MORE SAFE, just by bringing it up you are making every girl think that their date is going to show up with a nylon stocking over his face and a boxcutter. But still. Why the fuck not.