The Socialist Nanny State Sounds Pretty Fucking Awesome

27 Apr

My friend had an abortion in Holland.  She’s hot, so my initial reaction after she told me was to go home and masturbate to the thought of popping off an unprotected nut in her.  But after that, I started thinking about socialism.

Because the whole story started out with this horror– there was some painful complication; she’d had to be hospitalized for weeks after, and it would have been a nightmare for this broke, wayward girl who is about as organized in life as any good looking unemployed actress in her twenties– it would have been a nightmare, except everything was taken care of and free.  There was no bill at the end of this abortion and then internal bleeding and weeks of inpatient care and then follow up home visits and friendly helpful people telling her what the next step would be at every part of the process. It was all free, and the people helping her out, who were employed by the government, were actually knowledgeable, caring and nice.  And from scraping Johann van der Guyinaband’s baby out of her to her final post-treatment evaluation was all part of one system, so, the nurse who told her there was some kind of ovarian hemorrhaging was able to say “don’t worry, we’re gonna take you to the state run hospital right next door and check you in and do some tests, and from there after you get released we’ll come to wherever you live and keep checking up on you for free.  So I know this sucks,” they would say compassionately, “but don’t worry, ’cause we’re gonna take care of you.”

In America, it would have been: you looking down between your feet in stirrups and seeing the abortionist cock an eyebrow suspiciously, maybe mutter, but ultimately say nothing.  And then afterward a squat, surly nurse in a briefing  room would force some forms on you saying you weren’t gonna sue before telling you you had some kind of complication and might want to go have a doctor look at it.  Wait, what?  What is it? Ma’am.  Ma’am– please, calm down ma’am.  I’m not allowed to discuss this with you, we recommend that you go to a qualified physician… and if you have insurance, you get home with your insides stinging and bleeding from having the guy in a band’s baby scraped out of you and the first thing you’d have to do is call the phone number on the back of your insurance card and ring… ring…

Para Español marque el numero “dos”Welcome to Blue Shield of California. If you are a health care provider, please press “one” now… (wait)… if you are a member, please say “I’m a member.”   “I’m a member”  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. If you are a member, please say–”  “I’M A MMMEMMMBBEERRRR!!!!!” All right. Please say or enter your ten digit policy number... (beep beep boop beep)…

Your policy premium is due on…. November… Fourth… Two Thousand … Eleven… If you’d like make a payment, press “one” now.  If you’d like to speak to a representative regarding claims or benefits please press… (two, right?) I’m sorry; that is not a valid option.  Para Español marque el numero “dos”Welcome to Blue Shield of California. If you are a health care provider, please press “one” now… and you listen to the whole god damn thing again to find out that the number you press to get to a person is actually seven, or whatever number they poured thirty million dollars into researching to find out which button was the least intuitive, the least likely one that people would mash just to get to a god damn human being.

Your estimated wait time is… more than… eight… minutes.  (music) For claims, benefits, and payment information, please visit our web site at Blueshield ca.com… this is repeated at least ten times in the hope that you will finally just go give them money on the internet and leave them alone.  And: Information given about claims and benefits is NOT a guarantee of payment.  Don’t think that whatever our employees tell you, which is deeply constrained by layers of corporate vigilance miles thick and thousands of man hours worth of training—don’t you dare think that what you hear from this person actually means anything.  We are not gonna give you any money, OK?  Get it?  Hang up now and go put your credit card into our web site.

And when you finally get a person on the phone, who you hope just knows of an in-network doctor who MIGHT treat you without some egregious credit-rating-shattering bill showing up later that you will have to get a god damn Act of Congress for them to pay some small part of, that some collection agency out of Nevada will call your parents’ home phone about, demanding to speak to you about “a private matter;” all you want out of them is “my pussy is damaged, what doctor should I go to,” because when you sign up for insurance they give you a huge book full of the names of doctors but even though the book was printed last year you have called eight of the doctors’ offices and they’ve all been out of business since the Reagan administration…

All you want is to find out a god damn doctor who they might pay for, and they won’t even tell you that. They’re just reading out of the same god damn book with Dr. Adnan Kasroobian in Pacoima whom you’ve just verified with the Tandoori Chicken restaurant that took over his phone number has been dead for fifteen years.

But finally you get a doctor; you go, the general practitioner out by the Mexicali transmission place in Van Nuys with plastic bas reliefs of the non-copyrighted Mexican version of Strawberry Shortcake on his walls and a leathery Abe Vigoda looking corpse in the waiting room clawing through a 1987 copy of Highlights magazine, soupy eyes struggling vainly to find nine things different between two pictures of a troop of boy scouts flying a kite… finally you go, and you have the general practitioner look at you, and he mumbles some unofficial half-diagnosis and tells you you have to see a specialist; here’s the name of somebody fifteen god damn motherfucking hours across town, and no, I don’t know if Blue Shield covers it.  I don’t know anything about payment.  Talk to Maria at the front desk and she’ll get your insurance info and ask for your copay.  And Maria gets your info so she can track you down and stick you with a  huge bill for nothing, a huge bill for a doctor saying “I dunno… you better talk to someone who actually knows what they’re talking about.” A bill which your insurance ostensibly covers but Maria is gonna send it to you and have you fight the insurance co. via mail and phone and internet to pay off a smaller portion of it that they settle for because Maria, and her fellow medical billing professionals, have long since given up billing entities who supposedly exist solely for the purpose of paying medical bills.  Because it’s way too much hassle.

And that’s if you have insurance. If you don’t you gotta go sit in an emergency room that looks like a set from Oliver Stone’s SALVADOR next to a guy who took his nuts off with a belt sander, and the both of you have to watch Telemundo over the screams of hyperactive children for twelve hours before being given a quick stitch up and one fifty dollar over-the-counter Tylenol.  They can’t give you the stronger stuff because they need to keep enough around to steal.

But in Holland, this girl had a complicated abortion and was coddled, taken care of, steered carefully along every step of the way.  That’s the biggest part of it here– just not knowing.  Not knowing if you are even going to be able to get treatment. The psychological burden on top of being physically fucked up, just drives you insane.  There, you know you are taken care of.

And imagine if she had the kid?  If she had to take care of it and couldn’t work until it was in school, young Johann van der Guyinaband Junior– in Holland, some cheerful freshly scrubbed Dutch handmaiden would have shown up every day for free and wiped his ass and made sure he didn’t grab a pan off the stove and pour hot frying oil all over his face, while you went to work if you had to.  And if you didn’t want to, if you actually wanted to be around to experience the precious first few years of life of this handsome bass player’s nutfruit… well, that’s OK too.  They have a welfare state.  Here, you gotta poke some air holes in a big piece of tupperware and stick it under the bed, let the kid swim in his own shit for eight hours a day if you don’t have any money.  And here he’s gonna grow up and get gutted in a public school by switchblade-wielding vatos whose parents can’t help with their homework because they can’t read English… or Spanish. Over there, quality education is fucking free up to the PhD level.

But– you say– what about the taxes?   Because the Dutch have to pay about half of what they earn out of the job that the government trained them for and probably provided them with– they have to pay half of this in taxes.  Well guess what?  I pay a fucking THIRD of what I earn in taxes of some kind– federal tax, state tax, Social Security, unemployment insurance, city tax, sales tax, fuel tax, cigarette tax, CRV tax on the bottle of booze that I’m drinking to forget about all these god damn taxes, and which amounts to a giant payroll fund for hobos with shopping carts on trash day;  car registration tax, cell phone tax, the special tax that LA adds to your electric bill for “solid resources management,” which is forty eight dollars every two months for every dwelling to have the garbage collected to put a thousand more cops on the streets, which, I fill one of those giant black LA municipal waste bins once every two months, so– every time I take out my tall kitchen bag of trash costs ten bucks… and the thousand more cops on the streets are not out there vigilantly preventing crime;  they are writing you motherfucking tickets to make more money for the city– another tax.  Cops don’t solve crimes.  They get paid to drive around all day and occasionally kick in the head of some black kid.  Forget CSI; Cops solve murders when someone calls and tells them who did it.

So in our free market capitalist society you pay taxes like a MOTHERFUCKER and you get NOTHING in return. Schools like the fucking Thunderdome that you wouldn’t dream of sending your kids to.  A massive military that’s out there making sure people keep hating us.  Social Security and Medicare to keep old people alive so they can stagger across the crosswalk on their walker with the fucking tennis balls on it at point oh two miles an hour when you’re late for work, and we all KNOW that shit isn’t gonna be there when we get old.  Unemployment insurance that some twatty state clerk will fight like a cornered raccoon to keep you from getting a penny of when you actually need it.

Everywhere in America you fight everything every step of the way; whole huge layers of manpower exist just to put up roadblocks to ensure that you don’t get the service you pay for. In the socialist world, government gives away your tax money freely and stupidly, and that’s GREAT.

Because in this hybrid system we have now, which has the WORST elements of venal, moneygrubbing capitalism– insurance companies with 50 billion dollar advertising budgets marketing the shit out of policies that will be policed by people who get fired if the policies are allowed to perform as advertised, hospitals overcharging to make up for the losses they take when bums jump the check– you are already getting fucked by private industry and paying both obvious and hidden taxes through the fucking nose.  So either give me a totally free market where shit is cheap and laws are lax and companies compete unregulated, in which case I won’t need to buy health insurance at all since when my kid has an ear infection I’ll just buy amoxycillin like every fucking retard knows the doctor will end up telling you to do anyway, OR take all this tax money we’re all getting sucked out of us and actually do something with it that helps us.  Free medicine. Free childcare. Free schooling.  Free pussy would be great too but I’m not gonna push.

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10 Responses to “The Socialist Nanny State Sounds Pretty Fucking Awesome”

  1. Anonymous April 27, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

    iawtp

  2. lol April 30, 2012 at 12:24 pm #

    let me re-title this: countries with 85+% ethnic european population are pretty fucking awesome

    • delicioustacos July 17, 2012 at 9:49 pm #

      Still not buying that plane ticket to Albania any time soon.

  3. some dude from the OkC reddit May 6, 2012 at 3:12 am #

    I had my lung collapse in Japan with no insurance. I got an ambulance from the train station to the doctor’s office, a chest x-ray, a consultation (in English, somehow), and a bunch of painkillers in under an hour. Total cost was less than $100. If I had had Japanese insurance, it would have cost $20.

    In the states, it would have been probably $5-8k. U-S-A. U-S-A. U-S-A.

  4. maremare10 May 8, 2012 at 10:59 pm #

    This is my favourite entry you’ve ever had :) Thank you.

  5. eric June 19, 2012 at 5:44 pm #

    Well, I wouldn’t say you get “NOTHING” in return. I mean, you got running water whenever you want it, roadways to get to places, your garbage gets collected, etc. It could be a lot worse – imagine living in this Indian slum

    • delicioustacos June 19, 2012 at 5:49 pm #

      I pay a bill for the water and a (fucking huge) bill for the garbage, which includes paying for the city to recycle containers I paid the state an extra tax on because they’re recyclable. Roads, I will grant you.

  6. Anonymous December 28, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

    And your response to the inefficient and wasteful US governments taxing and spending is to increase this. Imagine this, instead we repeal the income tax and just levy a federal sales tax. Eliminate Medicare, eliminate social security, shrink the military to a fraction of its current size, kill off all government depts except core departments. Presto, everyone’s free to take care of their own damn self and keep what they earn or produce, the economy would take off in the absence of taxes and regulations, and the few left in poverty would be cared for by private charitable institutions bankrolled by charitable citizens no longer held down by oppressive government control. Socialism is doomed to fail because it is a mixture of capitalism and communism, which are opposing theories of state organization

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