Don’t read this if it’s about you.
I went on a date this week with a girl who actually has a nice body. Can you imagine? A girl, off the internet, whose weight was as advertised. We all know that OKCupid weight classes are two words for OK and then fifteen synonyms for fat, and you know when you go out with someone here they’re going to be at least thirty pounds over what their photos would lead you to believe. It’s just a hazard of internet dating. Something you accept. The girl who shows up is substantially fatter than her photos. Every. Single. Time.
And I was cool with that—I don’t mind if a chick is a little “thick,” or even “plump—“ basically, I have no standards and will fuck anything that moves, and the virtue of internet dating is no one has to see what you’re doing. I won’t email with someone who has “a few extra pounds,” because we all know what a cruel joke that word “few” is in this context, but “curvy,” sure. “Average,” why not. It’s never the “average” for women between the ages of 18 and 29 in Los Angeles, CA, the most body-conscious city on the entire face of the Earth; these girls generously judge themselves by the national average. But still. Fine.
But then this girl, god damn dude. When her clothes came off it was like I’d had a near death experience and seen the fucking face of God. This is what it’s supposed to be like. By the way– this is what I’m like! I’m six foot motherfucking one and I have a six pack and visible obliques, and my man-tits have that weird “zipper” thing going on down the middle. My ass has different muscles groups kind of elbowing each other out of the way when I flex it in the mirror, which I often do. My bicep has a peak on it. I don’t have any shirtless photos of myself up, so when I take off my shirt when I’m about to get down with what is legally considered date rape in my state, she is pleasantly surprised. She is happy when she sees my body.
This is what it’s supposed to be like– every goddamn motherfucking inch of her was firm, and like—supple. I hate that word– “supple,” but…. whatever. She was supple. She was “toned.” She didn’t have a bunch of fucking flab hanging off every inch of her like every single other girl off the internet, weirdly including Asians. When her clothes came off, I was fucking delighted.
So– why can’t more girls be like this? Why are you all so goddamn fucking fat? Seriously. Guys too. I’ve poked around some of the men’s profiles here. It’s not nearly as egregious a problem as it is for the women, but god damn– as a rule: all of you are disgusting fat fucks. You’re all a bunch of hideous bloated hogs and you wonder why you are alone.* YOU ARE ALONE IN LARGE PART BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO FUCKING FAT.
Do you not know this? The people who would date you, the people who want to be in your life—this is hugely affected by your being so fucking fat. You are lonely, you wish that someone besides weird gross desperate guys would email you, you have trouble getting in a relationship: IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE SO FUCKING FAT. And until you stop being so fucking fat, it is never going to change. Maybe you’re ugly; you can’t change your face. But you can change your body, and the feeling of running your hands over a legitimately nice body is something that charges you up in a visceral way that no amount of your charming personality can replace.
So—stop being so fucking fat. And don’t pretend it’s because of your glands, or your metabolism, or any of this shit- it’s because you eat too much, dude. You know this in your heart. It’s not because of your diabetes. Diabetes is an effect of being a Vladimir Harkonnen-looking land whale, not a cause.
And you know, if you see a chick who is a little fat, it is one hundred per cent guaranteed that if you see her in a year, she will be a sowbellied hambeast. Fat Fuck Boulevard is a one way street.
Anyway- just, stop goddamn eating so much and go to the fucking gym. I’ve had it with you piglets.
* Yes, I know that I am not fat and I am alone. I don’t wonder about it though– it’s because I’m a grating asshole and my face looks like it was hit with a shovel.