Just FYI

25 Jun

I used to do coke for three days at a time and then crash by compulsively masturbating for hours. I used to roll around with my degenerate buddies in the back of a pickup truck, fucked up on pills, throwing homemade pipe bombs at people’s houses. I dated a crackhead and was engaged to a needle junkie. I impregnated one girl who miscarried on heroin and another, a daughter of one of my professors, who was fifteen years old. I went to a mental institution after threatening to jump out the window of my fiancee’s apartment. I took 50 10-mg. ritalins in one night. I resuscitated a guy from a heroin overdose in my house by giving him CPR; he had been eating coffee grounds for some reason and he vomited them when he awoke. It looked like potting soil. I fell off my bike and ripped off my entire thumb; it had to be surgically reattached. My girlfriend overslept when we had a date and I reacted by kicking her car over and over, leaving dozens of huge dents. I often had the chance to fuck hot girls but I was impotent from cocaine so I would pretend that I wanted to stop for emotional reasons. I only ever devirginized one chick but I came from the tightness when I got it halfway in– so I pretended, again, that I wanted to stop for emotional reasons. She was menstruating so I don’t think she noticed my nut. I made out with a man a couple times. I have fucked prostitutes on several occasions and in fact barebacked one repeatedly. I had a medical condition that would cause me to shit myself at work. My left nut is the size of a fist. The first time I ever masturbated, I thought that it was something no one had ever accomplished before and that I would be renowned as a great genius for discovering it. I fucked a three hundred pound woman. I once fucked a hooker doggystyle with a hemorrhoid coming out of her butthole. I jerked it a bunch to horse porn, and a couple times to a Japanese chick getting fucked by a boston terrier.

Anyway, good morning.

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10 Responses to “Just FYI”

  1. Not Fucked Up June 25, 2012 at 11:15 am #

    Tacos, I like you. You make me feel less fucked up every day.

  2. Anonymous June 25, 2012 at 11:39 am #

    Are you breaking down, man? Are you okay?

  3. LE June 25, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

    Not sure which is more ostentatiously pathetic, this or me quietly crying while deleting Arthur Russell’s “That’s Us,” from my ITunes library.

  4. sylviasarah June 25, 2012 at 12:20 pm #

    Can you just refer them to the old stuff and post new stuff? :D

  5. Anonymous June 25, 2012 at 12:40 pm #

    gos ah haate ss

    • sylviasarah June 26, 2012 at 1:06 am #

      Does this mean you hate me or you’re calling me a hater?

  6. Michelle Morgan June 25, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

    oh now it works. okay this was pretty shocking to me. LOVED IT THANKS

  7. Sam Vincente June 25, 2012 at 9:36 pm #

    Where you bullied as a kid or something?

  8. Fakegirlfriend June 25, 2012 at 9:50 pm #

    And someone recently said this to *me* about my shit, jeez:
    “It gets to be a lot. And just–gets to be a
    lot…”

  9. Shit Head July 8, 2012 at 3:21 am #

    I once killed a man with a pool cue.

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