Holy mother of fuck, how I have not been jacking off with a vibrator for my whole life? Nikol gave me this thing– as an “alternative sex educator,” she is constantly speaking at sex positive conferences and feminist porn seminars and other types of events where fat people talk about using dental dams, and she got this duck fuck product as swag. I’ve tried girls’ vibes on my dick before, but only when they were in the room, and I was always on coke and couldn’t get a boner and etc. This is the one time I’ve been able to try one in the privacy of my own home.
You know when you nut so fast that your dick doesn’t even have time to fully get hard? And in its rush to become an erection it turns into this misshapen chub where the barrel is fairly thick except for some reason there’s a thin figure 8 waist in the middle, like your dick was wearing a Victorian corset, and the blood doesn’t quite reach your helmet so in general your dick looks like a floppy retarded pinhead, but the stimulation is so great that this retarded mutant half flaccid cock is spurting jizz all over the place with unprecedented speed and quantity, so that every drop is like that heavy, oozy first drop that you shoot so hard it hits the wall and makes a sound? And you know how when this happens as you are holding this unwieldy flagging sausage on top of a vibrating plastic waterfowl that is not ergonomically designed to hold your penis in place and is in fact roughly jostling it around and it’s still pretty floppy so this firehose like bonanza of jizz sprays willy-nilly in hot thick spurts at crazy angles all over your room and possibly on your cat who is crouched mesmerized by the sound of the vibrating motor and a big hot oily drop manages to soak into every single dress shirt you had neatly pressed and hanging in your open closet, and what a god damn mess, but nutting that fast feels so weirdly great that you just don’t care? No? Then this product is for you.
Vibrators give you a premature, uncontrollable, very artifical feeling orgasm. The sound of the thing, and the distraction of having to hold it on your dick, especially if it’s a campy product designed to look like a child’s bath toy, prevent you from having any fantasy. It’s a mechanical feeling completely detached from sex. This must be what livestock feels like being mechanically milked for semen. But it feels GREAT. Sign me up to be a prize boar.
I can’t even imagine if this thing was shaped like a pussy. That would be the fucking hydrogen bomb of jacking off.
As for this product specifically, it has its drawbacks. There is no particular place to put your penis. It has eyes that look at you as you are clasping your misshapen member to its back and maneuvering your helmet into the Curel-slathered space between its neck and beak. I would prefer to masturbate unregarded by the pleading cartoon expression of a toy aquatic bird. It’s loud. It doesn’t have nearly the vibrating power of the gold standard and Nikol’s fucksceptre of choice, the legendary Hitachi® Magic Wand™. But as an introduction to the universe of vibrating sex toys, well, the I Rub My Duckie® has been an excellent ambassador. Like, you probably won’t marry your first girlfriend, but you will always remember her.
In conclusion: four stars.