Yeah, Astrid boned a dude on the porch at a party. Then I went in the can with her while she was taking a piss and she stuck her finger in her pussy and pulled out a fingerful of jizz and tried to smear it on me.
We were watching an episode of MAMA’S FAMILY where the Harper household receives a series of obscene phone calls, which Thelma “Mama” Harper pronounces “OHB-seen.” I wanted to add voice over of the call saying stuff like “I’m gonna cut your pussy open with a box cutter and then shit in it and give you a shit baby” but MAMA’S FAMILY is shot with a stagey acting style that does not allow for realistic length pauses in phone scenes. In other words, Ken Berry or Vicki Lawrence or whoever will pick up the phone and say “hello,” then almost instantaneously begin reacting with revulsion to the imaginary voice on line, e.g. “you want to WHAT? With ICE CUBES?”
We were at a party, a going away party for my 22 year old friends; a small place but there are always 22 year old girls there. Astrid, I want you to know that I have had sex with the blonde girl who was into reading Tarot cards. I am disappointed that I was not able to discreetly convey that to you in situ. Usually when we are together near an attractive woman I have fucked I’m able to work it into conversation the way someone who went to Harvard works that into conversation. And you are appropriately impressed. She insists that I have a large penis; the sex was in fact painful for her and caused vaginal bleeding. I do not have a large penis. Her concept of penis size is completely out of left field.
Vinton Harper’s wife Naomi was the intended victim of the calls. She had been obsessed with winning “Employee of the Month” by being the most courteous checkout girl at the grocery store where she worked, I forget the name. So she had been taking the time to personalize all her interactions with customers, asking after their families, and generally being super sweet. When the caller began harassing the Harpers, initially he would only speak explicitly to her, and when Vinton picked up the phone, the caller asked for Naomi by name. But eventually his interest expanded and he spoke suggestively to Vinton and to Thelma herself. The family collectively exploded at Naomi, accusing her of inviting this sex crime onto the household with her obsessive niceness at work. Naomi fled in tears.
What did we even do Friday– we went to that wake. Me and Astrid. A girl had killed herself because this tweaker Colin wouldn’t be her boyfriend. She did it with pills. Everyone was on meth and so they were laughing and joking and unable to emotionally conceive of the death of their beautiful young friend, which the host had largely caused. There were pictures of her displayed on the mantle, with candles, and she looked very attractive. Maybe only flattering photos were selected due to her being dead, but point being I was disappointed she was dead because I would have liked to have sex with her. Being a drug addict who was unstable enough to kill herself, her threshold for sex partners was likely low, and it could have been accomplished. I wished that an ugly person had died instead, or a man. Astrid had a deep reaction to the news that her death was a suicide and sobbed and sobbed into my shirt. Then we went home and she wanted to blow me. I had her lie upside down on the couch so I could fuck her face, but I couldn’t cum because I was too drunk. I had commented to one of the meth heads that I regretted being a cocaine addict instead of meth; coke makes you so self-serious and “wait, wait.. seriously, I just want you to know.. that I love you. Wait, we need to listen to this awesome song” whereas the methheads were all gregarious and funny and fast on their feet. I am too old now to pursue a meth addiction.
At work, a chastened Naomi began verbally abusing her customers out of self-blame. In a rare act of contrition, Mama, along with Vinton and Eunice, headed down to the store to apologize. She accepted. Vinton, suffering from an unwieldy full ball sac due to missing his accustomed daily emission into his wife, began to kiss her and grind his penis into her through his pants on top of her cash register. This caused the machine to react with lights and sounds and ring up hundreds of dollars worth of items.
As we were leaving the party a girl walked out of the house next door whom I had fucked and then never called two weeks ago. I waved at her and she refused to acknowledge me. Before Astrid’s date had unprotected sex with internal cumshot on the porch six feet away from several partygoers outside drinking and smoking, before this, the date tried to silently communicate with me via gestures to make sure it was OK for him to have sex with her, in some observance of “bro code.” I gave him my blessing. A friend of mine asked Astrid to have an orgy with him and his girlfriend and also wanted me to participate. He had been grinding me on the dance floor. Sometimes the people you think are the nicest people in the world are just that way because they’re gay. All men only ever do anything because they want to have sex.
In the episode’s final moments, the sex offender called the Harper home once more, and Mama ticked off a laundry list of everything disgusting about her decaying elderly body, finally killing his boner. The identity of the miscreant was never revealed.