Date Report: The Olympics of Getting Nowhere Near the Pussy Now and Forever

30 Jul

Don’t read this if it’s about you.

So the date was a mistake.  I was tired.  I was hung over.  I was not on my game.  I had not ejaculated in two days despite being bombarded with sexual stimuli.  I had a ton of work to do; I was sick and exhausted; I have no money to spend on stupid fucking booze for girls and I just… I did not want to go.

But I thought I was gonna get laid.  She had messaged me.  When she was on her way out of town; lives mostly in San Francisco; she messaged me initially when she was about to head up there for a while. This means: I need dick before I leave, right? I got her number and never called her.  Then she messaged me again; in town for a couple days.  Really pushing the date.  On the night before she leaves town.  My whole profile, which links prominently to this web site, is about how I like to go on one date with girls off OKCupid and then fuck.  She doggedly kept messaging me. She wants to get fucked, right? Day of date, we had planned 8pm; she needs to push it later.  To 10.  I should go to bed at fucking 10 after ravaging myself with liquor, cocaine and whores for 48 consecutive hours. But that’s just her pushing the date closer to fucktime, right?

My fake girlfriend wanted to hang out with me.  She makes a nice meal; I take a hot bath; we curl up and watch Jessica Fletcher solve crimes involving theatrical legends who are known to 1986 America only as washed out LOVE BOAT guest stars.  Watch Sheriff Tom Bosley stop by Fletcher’s humble yet tasteful Cabot Cove Victorian unannounced with disturbing news: “there’s been a MURDAH at the old antique shop; Barney McGant impaled on his Yankee weathervane! Jessica, I’m plum out of ideas here– and by the way, you making dinner?” Fucking Bosley, mooching off Jessica’s deductive skills and culinary gifts in one fell swoop.  You old dog you.

That would have been the perfect night, so, I flaked on my date and told fake GF to come over. She was excited.  Great.  Perfect night coming.

EXCEPT I hadn’t beat off in two days and my scrotum had become the fucking Death Star.  And this girl. Five foot one Asian girl with suggestive language in the profile.  Smokes cigarettes.  Drinks.  Was pushy at getting with me.  Body of a small child.  I am thirty six years old and I have a demanding job that I have to wake up very early for; my body and mind are beat to shit and I should just fucking take care of myself.  But no.  You need new pussy.

So I canceled on fake GF with a lie that I had an out of town friend visiting, and I put the date back on at the ridiculously late hour. And I forgot fake GF reads this fucking blog and now she hates me.

And I went on the date; the girl showed up; she was not the hideous mutant version of her photographs but rather a fresh faced young Vietnamese woman with the physique of her tearful naked countryman running away from napalm in that famous picture, which is to say, a boner fairy.  And the date—

I don’t know where it went off the rails, but it did. The whole date I was just thinking: how soon can I be fucking. Need to get out of this bar.  Look at her little nipples. Need to get her home.  Need to close out the check now. Have to spring the ride home thing on her. Look at her little nipples. Got to get out of here and be fucking right now. My conversation was like driving a robot; I wasn’t even in my own head.  I pushed to get her home too fast.  I did my move where I had walked to the bar and needed the girl to give me a ride home.  This gets them in the house, and being in the house gets them on my dick.  Generally.  But despite the conversation going as well as can be expected for me being an exhausted cracked out uncaring unfeeling retard– she spooked.  She’d been touchy feely enough during the date but wouldn’t even give me the god damned makeout on the sidewalk, or the apartment.  A complete bust.

I had thought, because the whole weekend was just a series of Heironymous Bosch panels about people getting hammered and fucking, that the gods were with me.  I’d thought that because I wrote a piece about nofappers being wrongheaded weirdos that my own accidental nofap would cause me to be on fire with this girl; my virile energy powering me through to an explosively satisfying two second nut.  I thought the universe would love to prove me wrong.

But the universe doesn’t care.  I just ended up topping off the weekend with rote conversation with a complete bore, and no unprotected sex to show for it.  And damaging a relationship that actually matters to me.  Did have a great jerk thinking about date raping the girl though.  My jizz could have drowned a village.

76 Responses to “Date Report: The Olympics of Getting Nowhere Near the Pussy Now and Forever”

  1. nikolhasler July 30, 2012 at 7:08 pm #

    Sometimes, after enough people ask me why we’re not together, and after enough people tell me how we’re perfect for each other, I start to wonder. I look at you, the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen, and I think about how I love spending time with you. You’re way up high on my list of people to spend time with.
    So, sometimes I get sad and I wonder why we’re not together. I start to think we should be. I even cry about it.

    But then, there’ll be something like to remind me that you have a whole string of people who are exactly what I am to you. And I can go back to not crying about it and telling people who say we should be together that they’re wrong.

    • Jake July 30, 2012 at 10:41 pm #

      If posted as blog comment, #dramabait should be a wee bit more creative.

      Something remotely plausible, besides the old amateur standby of waaaah-i’m-not-special. Could be entertaining at least, something in the range of little sane virgin with no baggage, used and abused by dr. nolove evilpenis.

      • Nikolhasler July 31, 2012 at 7:03 am #

        Hey, Jake? Fuck yourself.

      • Cathy July 31, 2012 at 7:18 pm #

        Nickel is unamused.

      • Cathy August 10, 2012 at 5:11 am #

        I just realized my post said “nickel is unamused”. My iPhone autocorrects
        everything. It’s embarrassing sometimes.

    • maremare10 July 31, 2012 at 12:32 am #

      Good for you cutie… So many of us have been there w/ someone like that at one point in our lives at least… I’m sorry he’s so blind :(

    • Christy August 1, 2012 at 3:20 am #

      Aww Nikol, I just want to give you a hug. I bet you anything one day he will wake up, newly matured, and wonder why he wasted so much time dicking around when he already had the perfect girl right in front of him.

      • sylviasarah August 1, 2012 at 11:04 am #

        Really? Even I don’t belee dat anymore…

    • Facepalm August 1, 2012 at 9:07 pm #

      You sound whiny as FUCK. Get some goddamm pride. You cry about this shit? Da fuck, are you optionless? The female biff loman?

      • Anonymous August 2, 2012 at 2:14 pm #

        No, she gets plenty of dick.

      • Facepalm August 2, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

        After awhile the self-loathing shtick gets old..

  2. sylviasarah July 30, 2012 at 9:24 pm #

    I’m surprised sexless dates don’t happen more often now since you have such a big group of chicks who think you’re penis should be cut off or whatever the phrase was. I’m not saying anyone should or shouldn’t, but I would think you’re in a perfect position to be screwed with.

    • nikolhasler July 31, 2012 at 7:06 am #

      Your

      • sylviasarah July 31, 2012 at 11:02 am #

        Oh, my bad! Thanks! :)

  3. fakegirlfriend July 30, 2012 at 11:44 pm #

    i dont *hate* you in any complete way. ever.

  4. fakegirlfriend July 30, 2012 at 11:58 pm #

    but i dont wany anything to do with you either..k?

    • nikolhasler July 31, 2012 at 7:06 am #

      Riiiiiiiiight. you’ll be over at his place any second he beckons you. Clean his microwave and fridge next time you’re there.

      • fakegirlfriend July 31, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

        you dont really know who i am.
        like for starters that i dont come when called but always go where i am needed– and –my name is emily.
        like that if i did clean the fridge and microwave it would be a 3-4 star job as i am an ex-pro maid who once worked for Super8 in Wyoming perfect-corner-folding meth heads’ sheets.
        no idea have you of how highly i regard you (as a default P.O.V.).
        no idea have you of my sense of humor. tolerance for depravity. patience with reality.
        i am not a cum-dumpster. i am not a fool.
        i believe the ‘blog’ is like any other faux-verite—selling you it’s truth through the formulaic shot structure of “real-time” –ultimately buying itself hits by the basic, historically longstanding appeal of its essential theater.

        MELODRAMA (a dramatic work that exaggerates plot and characters in order to appeal to the emotions).

        we all act like people acting like it isnt only feelings that we click on for.
        but it is.
        i’d like to be outside of the circus. but i am the same as the rest.
        i react.
        i also re-tract–and i try to come to some transparent terms. to understand why and how a thing is functioning.
        myself. another person. a dynamic. a life long trial, and again, again, and again–a greek tragic-comedy play that doesnt often feel like– play.
        I am sick of this script though. i am.
        i’m surprised by its avoidance. its brut low-brow banality.
        i’ve never been cast as a victim–and its boring the fuck out of me now.
        i’ve cared deeply about this man. i’d committed to his integrity–which to me–in a defined form– is true talent and pure honesty.
        when the honesty broke between us, and talent turned to a private form of hollywood–then i…
        i’m just lost in a landscape i want out of
        (there is no more good reason to help him with his microwave.)
        i’m not a performer–see.. i dont cultivate persona.
        my voice is as an interpretive/enabler–never staging some presentational pitch.
        i was just someone he met who took him to the desert.
        and i stuck around.
        so dont act like you know what i will do.
        the only big beauty of me is that nobody does..

      • sylviasarah August 1, 2012 at 11:41 am #

        You guys realize you’re fighting over a the guy who wrote this right? You seem not to know eachother so it can’t really be that you have honest dislikes for eachother outside of your relationship with DT…The beauty is he’s probably gotten so many views and comments that he’s just going to do it again which makes me think you guys are totally in on the jig. Go team get more views!

  5. Jake@jake.com July 31, 2012 at 7:27 am #

    Ummm, skuse me Mr. Tacos? I’ve read your blog for three days and I love the way you talk about bitches. I also love ham sandwiches with mayo. I’m so in love with you that if any bitches comment on your blog, I’ll put them in their place! You’re my hero. Your blog is OMG so fucked up!!!! I wish I weren’t such a fat, ugly loser or I’d hang out with you. If you ever want me to such your dick, come to my basement in Indiana. My mom will make you a ham sandwich, too.

    Xoxo- Jake

  6. sylviasarah July 31, 2012 at 11:10 am #

    Oh, yeah, maybe when you’re going to write about someone you should put something like, Don’t read this if it’s about you. Hint: Nikol, FG, Asian chick, Don’t read this!

    • Cathy July 31, 2012 at 7:21 pm #

      For a second I thought Asian chick was me
      cuz I’m so self absorbed but I realize Asian chick is your Vietnamese date

      • sylviasarah August 1, 2012 at 11:03 am #

        Oh! Is that the secret to having a well followed blog? Just date a bunch of chicks, or whatever you prefer I guess, mention your blog while on the date and write terrible things about them after so they will post comments and keep reading despite their loathing…success!

      • Markdavidchapman August 4, 2012 at 11:21 am #

        Jealous that your inferior blog gets no traffic, huh.

      • sylviasarah August 5, 2012 at 6:33 pm #

        @Markdavidchapman…yeah. and?

  7. Not A Fatty July 31, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

    team nikol because she’s hot. i’ve seen the bathtub photo.

    • Cathy July 31, 2012 at 7:21 pm #

      That photo is cute

  8. Anonymous July 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm #

    ugh, your cum dumpsters have ruined your blog. unsubscribed.

    • Nikol July 31, 2012 at 6:20 pm #

      You’ll be missed.

    • fakegirlfriend July 31, 2012 at 11:27 pm #

      me too. i never thought i would know anyone who would ever get me near a grouping with the title “cum dumpster”. I did not get this number of student loans or trips behind bars for that. HA!
      signing out myself.
      over.

      • Phuk Yoo August 2, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

        I dunno who is bitchier or crazier of fake fieldgoal and nickelback. Maybe you two are actually the same person. Like Sybil. God help us. God help DT.

  9. Shaniqua V July 31, 2012 at 7:57 pm #

    You all buggin

  10. Christy August 1, 2012 at 2:50 am #

    I vote for you and Nikol winding up together! (I don’t know her, but I peeked at her blog via yours, and she sounds like a keeper.)

  11. hans August 1, 2012 at 1:32 pm #

    Pity about the V-girlie, though sounds like a bony mess after the urge is over anyway.

    Lucky about the on/off missus. If it´s above bitch then she´s definitely much more trouble than she´s worth.
    Something they all learn about a decade to late.

    And jeez dude get your yellow fever and/or general pussy addiction under control.
    Go have a wank or 10!

  12. Anonymous August 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm #

    Team Ex-Girlfriend AKA Team-Let’s-All-Grow-Up.

  13. Phuk Yoo August 2, 2012 at 7:13 pm #

    How did this fucking blog entry get so many more replies than all the other goddamn entries combined?!? Something in this entry contains the magical secret to moving to the top hit off the Google search engine. The secret is here.

    It is known.

    • Nikol August 3, 2012 at 7:23 am #

      Because Nicole said she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him. Why would she? He uses all the women in his life. But, anyhow, that’s why all the comments. He talks about her and links to her. So I think her talking and talking about something that comes up a lot made a lot of people comment. And Emily. I don’t think they’re the same person. I’ve read Nicole’s writing.

      • Biznezz August 3, 2012 at 9:02 am #

        Let’s get this straight. Women and men use each other. A man is as as opportunistic as his game allows him to be. A woman is as opportunistic as her physical attractiveness allows her to be.

  14. Nikolhasler August 3, 2012 at 9:53 am #

    Wtf and who the fuck posted as Nikol?

  15. Nikolhasler August 4, 2012 at 2:44 am #

    Ok, just read all your comments. Listen, I don’t feel anything melodramatic. Yes, sometimes I wonder why DT and I aren’t together. And when I cry it’s more because, shit, it’s hard not to when I’m stressed and wondering if things would be better with a boyyyyyyfriend. But what I was staying, you dorks, is that I’m content w DT as a friend. We’d be a terrible couple.

    I don’t like fake girlfriend because I feel like DT is a cock for keeping her around. She’s in love with him. He’s not in love with her. She needs to move on, but he won’t let that happen because he likes being loved. We all do. But the right thing to do would be to cut it off.

    Now, whoever is posting and using my name, please stop. And whoever called me a cum dumpster, that’s fair. But, I’m not DTs cum dumpster. I belong to the world.

    • Versace August 4, 2012 at 11:15 am #

      You are overly involved to the point where you’re airing dirty laundry to a bunch of fucking strangers on a comment section of an obscure blog. You are clearly not content with just being a friend, and that’s fine, but don’t assume that your comments aren’t a transparent window. Fuck, this DT blog is awesome but completely compromised by the attention-whoring, bermuda-triangles of self esteem constantly trying to veer the focus of the blogs to themselves. Every heard of those small creatures in the ocean that attach themselves to the underbelly of a massive sea-beast for transport and the meager leftovers of baleen and skrill?

      • Nikolhasler August 4, 2012 at 11:26 am #

        I think it’s more than fair to comment on a blog in which I’m frequently fucking discussed. This laundry is no dirtier than the things he discusses about me already.
        And if your implication is that I need to ride his coat tails, using his “obscure” blog for attention, you’re mistaken. I get attention the old fashioned way, by sleeping around.

      • Versace August 4, 2012 at 11:40 am #

        Airing dirty laundry from a point of anonymity is a lot different than doing so with your full name hyperlinked directly to your blog.

      • Nikolhasler August 4, 2012 at 11:50 am #

        Duh. This site has a direct link to my blog. DT wouldnt be anonymous if he didnt worry about the people he works with reading this.
        And, not to toot my own fucking horn, or untoot his, but I don’t use this site for page views. I have a wp account and when I comment on other people’s wp blogs, it links back to my shit.
        Honestly, I don’t need help boosting my ratings.
        This exchange is mostly amusing since I regularly give him a hard time for posting links to his stuff all over the place.

      • Versace August 4, 2012 at 12:22 pm #

        I wasn’t implying that you were trying to boost your traffic so much as saying you’re an attention whore but obviously both aren’t exactly mutually exclusive.
        I simply don’t see the point of supplicating yourself constantly in the comment section of DTs blog.

      • Nikolhasler August 4, 2012 at 1:38 pm #

        Well, we’re best friends. We comment on each other’s blogs. What’s your reason to comment? You’re such an attention whore!

      • Versace August 4, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

        Well at this point I suppose I could be accused of whoring for your attention.

      • Nikolhasler August 5, 2012 at 8:02 am #

        Well, here’s all I’m trying to say:

        This is a tag http://delicioustacos.com/tag/nikol/
        It chronicles all sorts of stuff about me. That’s because DT and I spend a fuckton of time together.
        DT encourages, in fact, sometimes requests in his most forceful way that I comment.
        I actually comment less than quite a few people here.

        I don’t know why it’s important to me that you understand this. I just find it off base and a double standard that I’m taking any shit for commenting, especially in a thread where plenty of people decided to chime in.

      • Versace August 5, 2012 at 2:37 pm #

        Well it’s important to you because it distinguishes and separates you as the wheat from the chaff.. apparently, considerable amounts of chaff.
        Why it’s important to you to present this as a public justifcation to complete strangers on the internet.. is probably again for the chaff, like taking a piss all over DT to leave your scent of territorial proclamation. Perhaps fear of you’re being tereza to his tomáš or whatever..

      • Nikolhasler August 5, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

        Or, there is no wheat. There is no chaff. We’re all people commenting on a blog. My comments shouldn’t be put to any more scrutiny than anyone else’s, nor are they any more important. And I shouldnt have to defend my right to comment based only on knowing the person. It should make more sense that I do.

      • Versace August 5, 2012 at 5:59 pm #

        Let me clarify: wheat = nikole, chaff = all other broads DT be banging.

      • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn August 6, 2012 at 3:50 am #

        As someone who uses this blog’s comment section as an entry ramp into their own bullshit pretty frequently, I resent this comment. Sometimes I use it to vent; sometimes I use it as a sort of confessional, maybe because this blog is a sort of confessional; sometimes I use it out of sheer boredom; sometimes I comment because I actually have something to say about the post itself/can expand on it, or a piece of advice that I truly think the author can benefit from. Never do I comment looking for attention or to veer the focus towards me, though. I look at it like this: if I were to write a blog I would want people to comment, this way I knew they were getting something out of it – anything. It would drive me crazy if I wrote post after post and got no feedback at all, or a bunch of shitty one-liners. But, yeah, I do inadvertantly hijack the comment section here sometimes. So, delicious taco, if I come across as the resident mockingbird on your blog, I apologize. That is not the intent. If anything you should take it as a compliment that your posts inspire me to write such long comments.

        As for you, Versace, there’s a simple solution to your problem: if you don’t like the comments, don’t fucking read them.

      • Anonymous August 6, 2012 at 10:59 am #

        The irony of pfffffffts comment is hilarious.

    • Versace August 6, 2012 at 8:50 am #

      Lol, and who are you again? Last time I checked I was addressing nikol, but you seem bent on veering the attention towards you, attention whore.

      • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn August 8, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

        I guess it all depends on what your definition of attention whore is. Seems like a pretty arbitrary term to me. I took “offense” to your initial comment because it wasn’t specifically addressed to Nikol and sometimes I use this comment section as my own mini-blog so I had a guilty conscience, I guess.

    • Fakegirlfrienf August 6, 2012 at 10:30 am #

      You don’t like *me* because *he* is a cock…
      Brilliant.
      You’re one of those women.
      I never knew..

      • nikolhasler August 7, 2012 at 1:14 am #

        I suppose it’s not that I don’t like you, so much as I don’t like what you stand for. I don’t know you in person, so it is wrong of me to say I don’t like you.

        I would never allow someone to call me his fake girlfriend and go along with it like it’s endearing. Since I care about him, it bugs me that he continues encouraging this behavior.

        Something else that bothers me is that you always use two periods when you seem to want to use ellipses. Not to be an ass, but it really bugs me. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellipsis

        I just thought…

      • Anonymous August 8, 2012 at 9:33 pm #

        You two come across as idiots.

      • nikolhasler August 9, 2012 at 7:04 am #

        Thank you for your valuable contribution, Anonymous. I will now reevaluate how I come across.

      • Anonymous August 10, 2012 at 9:22 pm #

        Good, do that, because you’re lame as fuck.

      • cathy August 11, 2012 at 10:17 am #

        anonymous, why are you so mean? why do you pick on people?

      • Anonymous August 11, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

        Hardly. I’m just stating my observations about two idiots who are calling each other out on a publicized blog. I wouldn’t have shit to say if they didn’t present themselves as such.

  16. Anonymous August 4, 2012 at 6:48 pm #

    I don’t know why people seem to think Nikol and DT would be so “perfect” for each other. They are way too similiar to make a good couple. They make good friends it seems, and it probably should stay that way. This notion that people should find an exact duplicate of oneself in the opposite sex is narcissistic and isn’t how real love works. Sure, you have to have some things in common.. but you also have to compliment each other and have different strengths and weaknesses, and bring different perspectives to make for a long lasting relationship.

    Not to mention DT and Nikol are both deeply dysfunctional, damaged individuals and the last thing they need is to combine their dysfunctional personalities. What a disaster that would be.

    • Versace August 4, 2012 at 7:10 pm #

      Deeply dysfunctional? Do you know them personally? Perhaps they’re the only ones with the capacity to withstand each other or relate to each other’s “dysfunction”. Who the fuck knows.
      Anyways, it’s a lot more appealing to project upon them some henry miller/anais nin or ted hughes/sylvia plath vibe even if the actual reality falls short.

  17. Cathy August 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

    Is it sad that I keep coming back to this post just to read all the neverending comments

    • Stfu August 5, 2012 at 5:06 pm #

      Cathy, you’re like the sphincter of the common majority.

      • Nikolhasler August 5, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

        Are you related to Phuk Yoo?

      • Cathy August 9, 2012 at 6:28 pm #

        Nikol your Phuk yoo question made me laugh

      • Phuk Yoo August 12, 2012 at 6:46 pm #

        Hey, Cathy/Crusty,

        Phuk yoo.

        Sincerely,

        Phuk Yoo

    • Christy August 8, 2012 at 3:10 am #

      I do too, Cathy. I do too.

      • Cathy August 8, 2012 at 6:52 pm #

        I’m back again. Hi christy.

  18. sylviasarah August 13, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

    I feel like I haven’t replied enough to this post…we’re all just putting up nonsense about Nikol and FG right? It’s not really at all connected to the actual post anymore? Um…something incendiary…I don’t understand why this post made Nikol sad…not that she doesn’t deserve to feel sad about having to know DT in all his should-be-ashamed-of-himselfedness but still…this didn’t post didn’t mention her.

    And, does FG only use her phone to post comments? I don’t mean to sound like a jerk, and obviously you (and Nikol) have something on most of us who don’t know him but you might want to consider putting whatever education you earned with those student loans to use. I’m sure if I heard you talk I’d think you were brilliant but your grammar is distracting.

    • sylviasarah August 13, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

      *you = FG

  19. DS November 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm #

    Holy lord, I am laughing my ass off right now. By the way, DT, we went on a date once. Worst finger-fuck ever. XOXO

  20. lolcopterpilot February 18, 2013 at 3:21 pm #

    Dear Sir,

    I thought the Mama’s family post a couple days ago was too much realness, but told in just the right way. I wish I was a better critic, there must be a better way of saying “You captured a serious moment and managed to expertly weave levity to make it a less outwardly callous and more nuanced, sensitive view of life.” But finding humor in the face of death seems to be less controversial than describing a single incident of flaking on a girl.

    With Warmest Personal Regards, I Remain, Ever Your Servant,
    a fan

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. No One in Greenland Likes Fake Rape, or: Let’s Gaze into the Navel of a Painting of Me Gazing into My Own Navel « delicioustacos - January 2, 2013

    […] was also amused by revisiting my longest comments section.  I miss that guy “pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn.”  I wonder where he […]

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