Found a girl on OKCupid. Cute. Redhead. Lot of tattoos. Looked kind of chubby but a nice face. Kind of chubby = you have a shot.
Her profile was all about gaming. How she’s a big nerd and obsessed with video games and Zelda and Metroid and Skyrim and blah blah blah. Lot of girls are like this. If they’re hot, it means they’re hookers or spammers. And she looked like a hooker. Slut it up on the internet and get some unlaid geek’s money. Bad idea to even try, but… she was hot.
Googled her username; turns out it’s her general nom de plume: she is legitimately into video games. She is a video game journalist and goes to conventions in costume and writes articles for Kotaku and stuff. Obviously she can have a career doing this because she is an attractive woman with large breasts and nerds want to beat off, but still. She actually plays and likes video games.
I don’t give a shit about video games, really, but– at least this person has something going on in her life that I can send her a message about. Not just astrology and I love my fucking Pomeranian and etc. like most hot girls. Now I am interested in her. She is at that perfect sweet spot– hot, but not so hot that she’d never message you back. And she looks like a whore. I am the king of OKCupid. If I send this girl a message, she will go on a date with me, and we will have unprotected sex.
So I’m excited and I keep cyberstalking her and I search for her name in videos so I can hear her talk and holy god damn mother of fuck she’s doing hardcore porn with a massively endowed black dude. It’s the rare modern porn with a scenario– the gentleman is applying for some kind of job, at like, a library, and she is the librarian/ hiring manager, thus she is wearing glasses, and of course to prove he is the most qualified candidate he must show her his massive uncircumcised wang. One of those huge black cocks you see in porn that is so unwieldy that it’s bent downward in the middle. Black people’s dicks always seem to have these engineering fuck ups.
God damn, it was a hot fucking porn. After forcefully ejaculating a gravy boat full of thick oozy semen into a paper towel in the office bathroom, I sat down to compose her a message. I was going to go on a date with this person. And hot unprotected sex was a certainty, right? She seemed skilled at it. One of those girls who fucks you back when you’re fucking her doggystyle, not like the rest of these inert drunken lumps.
I went indirect with the message. I sent her some shit about fucking Skyrim. Nothing sexual at all. I figured: don’t get too forward, she must hear that all the time. But surely this crafty and dishonest hedge would stand out and she would message me back.
Now, normally, I don’t give a shit if girls message me back because I have kind of a learned helplessness about OKCupid dates. They are fine for slaking your most basic sex addict needs but they always turn out to be fat or boring. So, any given girl not messaging you back, well– she was probably schwag anyway. But this girl, I at least knew she was capable of using the English language to communicate, and she was interested in a career as a journalist, and much, much more importantly– I knew ever god damn millimeter of the curve of her perfectly plump ass. One of those asses on a kind of thick chick that actually has some muscle under it. One of those asses that make black men murderous. The sublime perfection of her natural chubby girl titties sweating under the ring lights. Her genuine-seeming but not creepily genuine-seeming enthusiasm in the acts of fucking and cock smoking. Her engaged eye contact with both the camera and her co-performer, with eyes that you actually sensed had something behind them.
And I figured she would fuck me fast. A little concerned that she’s been exposed to gigantic mutant black Japanese cave newt cock but, what are you gonna do; by the time my small wang comes out we’re already gonna fuck. But yeah… she’s a porn star. Fucking is no big deal to her. And I’m not gonna walk in there acting all entitled to the pussy; it’s gonna be a normal date, and my relaxed confidence and self-deprecating charm will work their magic on this girl who is accustomed to dealing solely with worshipful fat virgins and semiliterate porn industry types from Chatsworth. Maybe she will be my girlfriend. I don’t give a shit that she was a porn star and has gigantic tattoos all over her; I can look past that.
In fact, a girl having some shameful past is an asset. Fake Girlfriend I met when she messaged me off OKCupid for casual sex. She showed up to the date with a blue glass butt plug. She has done porn, and used to whore herself out as part of crazy drug deals. Nikol and I met kind of the same way and… well, she is not anonymous, but fucking trust me, whatever you think Nikol’s sex history is, you are grossly underestimating. The two people I met off OKCupid whom I loved and connected with the most were both whorish brutally damaged sex industry veterans. Because they’re the only people who can talk honestly about fucking, like a guy. So it follows that I should continue to seek relationships with these types. I had real hope for this self-promoting nerd-baiting porn star off OKCupid. Maybe she’ll be another Fake GF or Nikol.
I got fixated on her. I refreshed my inbox constantly. And then every night I would just cycle through her porns– I found like 15 of them; many fine, long clips. Never taking it in the ass, sadly, and always taking the cum to the face, rather than on her asshole or pussy or in a kabuki dance of cartoonish anger at getting an unwanted creampie, as is my preference. But many great porns, and she was not only an adept sex performer but also quite good in the bookend scenes where her and a guy had to discuss some contrivance that was causing them to have sex. Some of the films had an interview component– they were playing up her “nerd girl” schtick, having her talk about 8 bit video games before taking the cock. She was cute and interesting and unselfconscious in these segments. Three days passed, and every day I was jerking off repeatedly to her porn, and only hers. Squirting loads of such pressure and quantity that I thought I might make a living in the industry myself. The ropes would hit the T shirt and make a sound, like rain on a tent roof. All the while thinking: she’s going to message me back, and we’re gonna go on a date, and this is gonna happen in real life. I had never jacked off to the same porn star more than three times in a row. It was becoming an obsession.
Finally she logged in again. And she blocked me. Instantaneously. Got the “sorry, such and such no longer has a profile.” You see that a lot, with hot girls. They become masters at managing OKCupid; instantly deciding whether they have any interest and blocking the people they don’t like so we’re not gumming up their searches and shit. Happens all the time. But it fucking stung. You do porn, for Christ’s sake. You’re fucking fat. I am the motherfucking king of OKCupid and I’m not even messaging you hey let’s bone like you did that black dude in the library; I sent you some funny ass OC about Skyrim. Whatever though. This proves she’s a hooker. She saw that I wanted a date, and not to pay money to have intercourse, so, block. Fine.
Except later I showed her profile to Nikol, saying: check out this hot hooker on OKC, she does porn. And Nikol was like “that’s not a hooker; Reza’s fucking her.”
Some other guy is fucking her. Not for money. And it’s not me. What the f— what the fuck does Reza have that I don’t have, besides a god damn hamhock for a penis according to Nikol? This girl is not a hooker, she is just fucking rejecting me instantly upon having read my motherfucking message. She dates normal non pornographic type dudes but will not date me. Fucking cunt.
Anyway, for like 3 days, I kind of saw what it was like to be an ordinary guy on a dating site. Someone who is not so jaded that he just pours drinks into a series of dehumanized slightly overweight fuckholes and rawdogs them until the pain goes away for five minutes. I actually cared about the outcome of my conversation with this woman. I actually imagined a future interaction with her, a very small part of which did not involve unprotected sex. I actually projected a whole personality on to this person and felt hopeful that she would be interested in meeting me. When she took three days to check the message, I felt invisible, and when I found out another guy had successfully been with her where I had failed, I felt like a worthless tool with clinical micropenis.
I bet a lot of guys who get pissed about OKCupid feel this way with every email they send, until it snowballs into self- and woman-hating rage. Me, I got over it by rawdogging another dehumanized drunken fuckhole. But for a minute there…
Whatever. It was kind of nice to actually feel something for once.