I’m not short. At least I’m not fat. At least I’m not bald, although if I ever start going bald you better god damn believe I will have plugs planted in rows like a freshly planted cornfield. At least I do not have clinical micropenis. Merely an average sized white man’s penis, which in the face of inflated penis expectations due to pornography and only guys with huge dicks ever feeling comfortable showing their dicks, feels like clinical micropenis. At least I don’t have AIDS. At least I don’t have herpes. At least I don’t have adult acne. Or anything that needs to have “adult” in front of it. Adult ADD, I don’t need to use adult diapers, etc. At least I’m not out in the street wrapped in 6 parkas swatting yellow jackets away from my collection of malt liquor cans, hypervigilantly guarding my hoard of layers and layers of plastic grocery bags wrapped protectively within still more layers of plastic grocery bags from the watchful eye of the government.
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