Diary 9-18-12: Suck My Fucking Dick, Mitt Romney

20 Sep

Image stolen from Kourtney Williams of Comedicprose.com

Still haven’t had the hammer drop.  Work is creeping back to normal.  I am becoming scared of my boss again just out of reflex.  Maybe he changed his mind?  Maybe it turned out to be not cheap to fire me, is what it is.  He thought he could hire someone else at half my salary and found out it’s not nearly that little, or maybe he’s just waiting for TV development season to be over.  For things to slow down.  But in any case, no; I have incontrovertible evidence.   Even if he can’t hire a guy out of the Home Depot parking lot to do my job.  It’s not an if, it’s a when.

So I’m still working but I know I’m gonna get fired.  The weird thing is, all this Mitt Romney shit– where he was secret camera-ed talking about how forty seven per cent of the people are mooching bums who just want a handout from the government– even though I am still working my ass off every motherfucking day and contributing generously to the federal tax base, I still feel shamed when he says that.  Because I MIGHT be collecting unemployment in the future. Soon I will be a useless layabout dragging society down; the world would be better served if I were meat for Romney’s Afghan Hounds.  Put your nose to the grindstone, boy– treat finding a job like it is your job.  There are makers and takers, producers and moochers, and we rightly spit on these moocher-takers who just lay around all day collecting the money that they’ve been forced to pay into the unemployment system over their thousands and thousands of hours of working hard as hell, nonstop, for twelve fucking years.  Twelve years I haven’t had time off from having a job.  Never took a big vacation. When I wasn’t working, I was interning; spending my savings from my last job working my ass off to work for free so I could get another job working my ass off. I didn’t feel great about being a productive member of society during this time.  I felt like shit.  I did not get to smugly revel in my low drag pay taxes and never cost the government a cent lifestyle.  But now that I’m getting the shitcan I feel like an unworthy slug.  I will have no purpose in society.

You flatter me, sir.

Well fuck that.  I’m gonna take.  I gave, and now I’m gonna take.  How much unemployment insurance have I paid over twelve years of working in California?  Cut me a fucking check.  I’m gonna take and I’m gonna lay around on my ass and type curse words into my stupid keyboard and get on a plane to Cambodia and fuck underage whores while my buddy El Chuco signs my unemployment stubs back home. I taught him how; you hold an existing signature under the stub on a glass coffee table and shine a lamp under it. Perfect every time.  But they don’t even look, I’m sure.  I will be balls deep in some four foot eleven castaway whose father sold her for a water buffalo while the rest of you are paying taxes.  I will be smoking ungodly pure heroin and paying a guy in a Raiden hat five bucks to tear a cow apart with an AK-47.

Actually, I wouldn’t do any of those things.  But I would probably write a novel.  I would write a novel and people would want to read it because fuck you, I’m a good writer.  I read fifty books a year for work and they all suck balls; boring memoirs of coming of age at a small town college by sheltered hothouse flowers– fuckin A, I mean, I’m not saying my shit is gonna be Ulysses but it’s gonna be better than what’s out there.  It’s gonna be better than The Corrections, in the sense that people will actually finish it.  That fucker’s been sitting on my toilet for eight months.  Franzen is such a pussy.

So suck my fucking dick, Mitt Romney.  Even though your words are being somewhat misrepresented and of course that’s the kind of shit you have to say behind closed doors to people who can pay fifty thousand dollars a plate to listen to you.  You have to say the shit that makes them give even more money.  You forthrightly admitted that that’s why you said it and that part actually impresses me. But suck my dick anyway, looking down on moochers.  Fuck you, I’ll mooch. Life is fucking hard and I deserve a break.  I’ve been eating shit so long I started to think it was turkey dinner.

Artist’s rendering of the author’s proposal.

19 Responses to “Diary 9-18-12: Suck My Fucking Dick, Mitt Romney”

  1. Anonymous September 20, 2012 at 6:49 pm #

    I’d buy and read your book, on the one condition it does not sound like Ulysses.

  2. jimmyconway September 20, 2012 at 7:16 pm #

    ron paul vehemently disagrees.

  3. Christy September 21, 2012 at 1:39 am #

    It’s a common misconception that you actually paid into the CA unemployment system, you didn’t. It’s all employer funded, which is why companies fight it so hard: the more people they let o, the more UI taxes they have to pay. Definitely take advantage of it if it happens, though, and write your little heart out. I’ve been officially unemployed for almost a year but I supplement my income with freelance editing and research work, and I’ve had a pretty damn good time.

    • Christy September 21, 2012 at 1:39 am #

      The more people they let *go

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn September 21, 2012 at 7:51 pm #

      Hmmmm… You sure about that? I guess maybe it varies from state to state, but I know PA and NJ definitely take unemployment taxes from the employee as well as the employer.

      • Christy September 22, 2012 at 1:45 am #

        Yes, it varies by state, CA is one of the ones that is only funded by the employer. Having been collecting for almost a year, I’ve learned so much about what a clusterfuck it is and how different the rules are from state to state. CA is pretty lenient, but some of the other states make things really tough on applicants.

  4. Christy September 21, 2012 at 1:42 am #

    Oh and also, don’t feel like a welfare leech if you do collect: you still have to pay income taxes on it, so you’re not totally freeloading.

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn September 21, 2012 at 9:37 pm #

      If he does lose his job, he won’t have the luxury of foolish pride. Fuck that anyway, you got to take it any way you can get it. You’ll get by somehow.

      Mitt Romney wasn’t pandering to those people; that was him speaking candidly. I’ll bet that’s closer to what he believes than any of the other bullshit that’s passed through those blindingly bleached white veneers throughout the rest of his campaign. The best was him relating the story about hiring 20,000 workers in China, and his buddy mentally justifying it by saying, “You know 95% of life is set up if you live in America.” Today is “National Tradesmen Day” in America. A holiday created last year by Irwin Tools, ostensibly an American company, at least they’re based here. Supposedly, it’s a day set aside to honor all the tradesmen in the country who do all the manual labor that people like Mitt Romney can’t do for themselves. Guess where Irwin manufactures all their fucking tools at? How do you say “National Tradesmen Day” in Mandarin? We can all thank economic vampires/vulture capitalists like Mitt Romney for that.

      Shit, my locals pension fund just went into “endangered” status this year; meaning, the pension fund has dropped below 80% funded for people retiring from THIS YEAR ON. What the fuck it’s gonna look like when I retire in 25 years, if I’ll even be able to retire then, if I live that long, I don’t even want to think about it. Granted, that’s in part because of the baby boomers – for every 4 guys retiring, there’s 1 to take their place, but a lot of it is because the economy has been so fucking bad for the past 4 years. We haven’t brought any apprentices in since 2009 cause there’s not enough work to go around as it is. It’s getting so bad you got guys going to nursing school and shit because they’ve been riding the bench so long they can’t feed their families. Meanwhile, I turn on the TV, I gotta listen to wormy cocksuckers like Paul Ryan and Sean Hannity talk about how unions are destroying America. Yep, I’m overpaid for routinely working on live voltages that if I slip up will kill me or cook me from the inside out like someone stuck me in a fucking microwave, to the point where if I do survive, the doctors will have to come in my hospital room and peel the scabs off my charred skin so I can heal properly, but these motherfuckers earn every penny of their multi-million dollar salaries doing absolutely fucking nothing. Yep, People like us are the ones who sucked this country dry. You don’t dictate to the “job creators” how much your labor is worth; they dictate to you. That’s where the Republican party is at right now, and the Democratic party is hanging us the fuck out to dry.

      What can you do but jump on the keyboard and type cursewords?

      I feel bad for the people who got fucked out of their 401k’s with some cocksucker like Mitt Romney on Wall Street playing craps with them. Somebody’s always got it worse, I guess.

      • Anonymous October 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm #

        Yes.

  5. Fake Girlfriend September 21, 2012 at 4:59 am #

    I can’t believe how pussy you are about money and jobs. 12 years?!!!!!!!!! Why the hell have you wasted so much time being a weak slave subservient drone ? Honey, you wonder why women fuck bartenders and bands—it’s not because those jobs are cool–it’s because having the balls to blow off work is hot. Not being willing to concede to the bs of hierarchy , politics. Walking away. Spontaneity. This is the god damn turn on . Grow some balls and quit. Take control of your time. Have some pride. You are gifted–just be brave.

    • sylviasarah September 21, 2012 at 2:30 pm #

      It probably takes a lot more strength to stay in a shitty job, taking shit from his boss, doing more than he should have to every day, than it does to just walk away.

      • sylviasarah September 21, 2012 at 10:05 pm #

        Sorry…stupid Forbes quote of the day made me post yet another comment. :/

        “ The only liberty an inferior man really cherishes is the liberty to quit work, stretch out in the sun, and scratch himself. ” HL Mencken

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn September 21, 2012 at 10:19 pm #

      Jesus Christmas, how old are you? What are you a trust fund kid or something? What fucking fantasy land are you living in where you don’t have to worry about a job or having any money? Or are you using the genius advice you gave him earlier of taking out a shitload of student loans and blowing them travelling around the world before he dies… like he’s 70 years old.

      And I love how your comments alternate between this fawning, “honey, I love you” and, “I hope you die in a fiery car wreck you motherfucker” You sound like you’re on some Fatal Attraction shit. I hope he doesn’t go down to Hope & Change, New Mexico, or wherever the fuck – you’re gonna wind up murdering him in his sleep.

      • Fake Girlfriend September 22, 2012 at 1:55 am #

        Lol. You have no idea

      • Fake Girlfriend September 22, 2012 at 2:02 am #

        Trust fund? That might be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
        I am and have been a waitress, exhibiting artist, theatrical designer, art director, marketing manager, merchandiser, hotel maid, international drug trafficker, custom picture framer, furniture maker, video engineer, copy writer, and magazine editor. I have earned salaries between $18,000 and $100,000 year and put myself through school with a masts degree. I am working in Germany now and was broke in LA all summer. New Mexico is an artist residency and grant I got for December then broke again in LA. I would never murder DT –but if you knew him personally you see how deserving he is of a love/hate swing.
        Life is exactly what you make it. Period.

      • sylviasarah September 22, 2012 at 10:40 am #

        FG, can you please make your own blog? You sound like you have a lot you want to get out. You should do it on your own blog.

      • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn September 30, 2012 at 10:02 pm #

        Listen to fucking Tony Robbins over here, “life is exactly what you make it” No, life is not at all what you make it – life makes you. Go down to Haiti and tell some dirt cookie eating kid in Port-au-Prince who’s parents just got crushed in an earthquake that life is exactly what you make it. And, please, the half ounce of weed that you smuggled back from Germany in your panties doesn’t make you an international drug trafficker.

  6. Jesse Jackson September 27, 2012 at 4:37 am #

    Romney needs to worry about where our 40 acres and a mule are instead off why we are quote unquote mooching remember slavery mitt you owe us and until we get paid we will sit on our porches barbecuing chicken waiting for our checks punk!!!!

  7. Jessica Maisonet February 14, 2013 at 6:11 pm #

    conforming to society and all of its demands is much easier than just simply not .

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