Gertrude Part One

28 Sep

I received an email via this blog:

************
Want sex/need STD test

I’ve been reading your blog for the past hour or so. I saw your OkCupid profile on my handle (REDACTED), in which I’m a 29 year old bisexual woman who lives in Los Angeles. I am actually a 22 year old straight woman who lives in Long Beach. But I work in (REDACTED neighborhood). I’m also 5’4, not 5’10. We should have sex.

You haven’t seen my views on OkCupid because I turned on anonymous browsing. I use that profile to look at exes and people like (REDACTED), who I had awesome sex with for two months until he broke things off because he found out that I was fucking (REDACTED minor celebrity).

(Phone number)

Oh, it’ll have to be protected sex unless you want to wait until my October 2 STD test.

*********

Attached were pics of a very cute young woman. Face and full body and one that said “this is what I look like sucking your dick,” with just the top of her face and her feet crossed all cute. Care was taken to show that they were not myspace angle.

Now, this kind of shit never happens. Part of you thinks it’s a gay guy trolling for cock pics. But, if I walk by a $20 bill on the street I don’t not pick it up because I think there’s a bomb under it. So I texted her. I stupidly invited her to a party. To her credit, she said she wasn’t available that night. Her way of saying “just tell me to come to your house, idiot.” I told her to come to my house. Have some chicken.

She is a very cute 22 year old woman who just likes to get fucked. I did not want to wait for her October 2d STD test, nor did I want to have protected sex. She didn’t want to do either of these things either of course. Rawdog for life, even if that life is cut short by Hep C.

She, all five foot four and a hundred pounds and twenty two years old and Asian heritage of her, is a size queen. I have an unimpressive penis. She was not satisfied. So it goes.

I took off for work. Let her stay at my place. None of my shit is worth stealing. That morning I got a text with an amused catalogue of all the weird stuff in my jerk drawer, including a lump of wet flour mush in a pint glass I had microwaved and tried to fuck while out of my mind on cocaine. I told her I would name it after her. She also stole my old neighbor Heather’s bra.

It’s four in the afternoon and only now is the smell of the garlic I chopped last night fading enough to catch a whiff of her cuntmusk on my hands. It inspired me to text her again. She’s coming over again. Two nights in a row. Why not, you know? You see 20 bucks in the street, you have to be made of stone to just walk by.

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9 Responses to “Gertrude Part One”

  1. dressyarson September 28, 2012 at 7:16 pm #

    The thing about having a gargantuan wang is that you aren’t allowed to walk around with it hanging out. (And even if you were it wouldn’t be erect all the time anyway.) You can’t even tell chicks your dick is huge. There’s no way to communicate this fact without becoming immediately unattractive or thought a liar. So it doesn’t help with getting women in bed at all, only sexually satisfying them, and who cares about that. You just get to silently know that all woman come about a thousand times when utilizing your cock of gold but you can never ever convince them of this beforehand.

    • eric September 29, 2012 at 7:35 am #

      Oh what a shame. Women get off on your big dick but you can’t brag about it. What the fuck dude?

  2. Anonymous September 29, 2012 at 1:38 am #

    yay.

  3. Anonymous September 29, 2012 at 5:19 am #

    She just want to fuck for now. In a number of day you will have complications and problems. She already went through your drawers. I slept with you for weeks and genuinely NEVER did that. Fundamental character red flas.
    Good luck.

    • Anonymous September 29, 2012 at 5:22 am #

      “red flag”

      also:

      “wants” not “want”
      “days” not “day”

      ..fucking iPad

      • Christy October 1, 2012 at 11:18 pm #

        Hahaha, at first I was like “how cute, English must be this girl’s second language” because of the broken grammar! I hate typing on the iPad too!!

  4. eric September 29, 2012 at 7:37 am #

    Dude, throw that fucking flour jar out. Geeeze

  5. fake girlfriend September 29, 2012 at 11:52 am #

    super sorry if this comment shows up like 8-10 times
    for a legacy of efficiency–the F-ing germans have the WORST goddamn internet of all time.
    but i was motivated to share:

    • fake girlfriend September 29, 2012 at 11:56 am #

      BEVERLY KILLS:

      Beverly kills the freaks with her poison arrow
      Beverly kills the freaks
      Oh!
      Never heard about Beverly’s freaks, yeah
      Think twice before you meet ‘em
      Made up of the finest comedians
      Ya can’t stop no incest from spoiling
      Sorry I’m not sorry for your
      Dismal waste
      Can’t stop the press!
      No!

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