Gertrude Part Three

19 Oct

This chick.  It pisses me off that she’s fucking other guys.  I wish we could be in a monogamous relationship, because it would make it so much easier for me to pull other pussy.

I need some new ass.  I have a hankering for a chubby chick.  When you are dating a slender Asian woman you get a stirring in your loins for a freckly strawberry blonde with giant milky titties, so white there are blue veins visible, and a squidgy muffin top.  A chick with a big fat pussy, a fleshy pubic fat pad laid out so that there is no boundary to the outer pussy lips.  No separation between vulva and gunt, it’s just a big mound of flab tapering down to a “V” with a sweaty slit. A meaty ass with just a hint of cellulite; stretch marks like a zebra.  The type of girl who knows you’re not going to call her.  Who wonders why you’re even going out with her in the first place.  The type of girl who knows she better make the pussy count.  Who isn’t pissed if you cum too fast; she’s grateful that you fucked her at all. In other words, a girl from OKCupid.

That’s the kind of chick I want to cheat on this chick with.  I want to have cheating sex with a tubby little internet piglet.  I want to nut too fast and never call her again.  I want hot cheating sex with someone who is way less attractive than the person I am fucking regularly.  To make it clear that I could be throwing the relationship away for nothing.  For a fat chick. I could go on OKCupid today and make this happen but I would have full moral authority to do so and would not be hurting or deceiving anybody, therefore it is not an arousing enough idea to be worth the hassle of going back on OKCupid. Cleaning up my profile, making room in my inbox, searching for girls and messaging them my copy-paste one liner, which is “I bet even Jennifer Connelly’s own mother looks at her and thinks: ‘ass to ass.'”  Any girl who remembers that scene will fuck you.

Any girl who smokes will fuck you.  Any girl with her body type facetiously listed as “used up” will fuck you.  Any woman of Hispanic extraction will fuck you.  Any Asian woman of any body type besides “thin” will fuck you.  In fact, any woman at all  with a body type outside of “thin” or “fit” will fuck you.  Any girl who agrees to the first meeting place you propose, which is far from her but close to your insect-infested jack shack, will fuck you; any girl who says “that’s a little far, can we meet in (X neighborhood) instead?” will not fuck you and should be jettisoned.

Any girl who talks about “my son is my world and I need a man who is OK with that” will not fuck you, but any woman who has a kid and doesn’t belabor it in her profile will fuck you.  Be sure to pull out.  Any girl with pics of her tattoos will fuck you.  Any girl with a picture of her dog will not fuck you.  Dog dick only I guess.  Any girl who doesn’t own a car will fuck you.  Any girl who lives with her parents will fuck you, maybe just to get out of the house.  Armenian girls will fuck you but only on the second date.  Jewish girls will surprise you. Most of them are a pain in the ass but once in a while God’s chosen people will throw you a sexy little whore.  Check how much she drinks.  Black girls, I don’t know; all the ones on OKC are mutants or illiterate.  We need to get word out to the community.

Every girl with weird teeth will fuck you, and they will make it apparent that they are going to fuck you at the star of the date. Every girl who mentions being insecure about being short will fuck you, not realizing that their smallness is a huge asset since all men secretly want to fuck children.  Tall girls, I don’t know; tall girls disgust me.  Girls who say they are into video games will not fuck you.  Too many nerds coming at them maybe; they get stuck up.  Girls who are into French poetry will fuck you till your sac falls off.

And if she’ll fuck you, she’ll fuck you without a condom.  No girl ever makes a big deal about it.  Or maybe one in a hundred.  One girl asked me to get a condom while she was putting my unprotected dick inside of her.  All resistance can be easily talked down.  Eat their pussy until they get hot.  They know that you’re just gonna nudge your morning wood into them raw the next morning anyway, after cuddling naked all night– no one does not do this.  So why bother with the formality.

None of them are ever on birth control, ever.  You always have to pull out. This used to piss me off, but as I age I realize there is something about the way girls on birth control smell that makes them like fucking a corpse.  But they are never on birth control and they are always ovulating, and I find it flattering that that’s the time they want to go out on a date.  Some part of them wants to carry my seed, after reading on the internet about what a jerkoff I am.

But anyway, yeah.  That’s what I want.  To make this girl my girlfriend so I can cheat on her with whores off OKCupid.  Some men dream of curing cancer.

7 Responses to “Gertrude Part Three”

  1. Christy October 20, 2012 at 5:17 pm #

    Didn’t you just say you had just received some new ass, in the Nikol post? What happened with that ass?

  2. Christy October 20, 2012 at 5:18 pm #

    Whoops, too many “just”s. Hate that.

  3. vsoze October 22, 2012 at 8:36 am #

    “A chick with a big fat pussy, a fleshy pubic fat pad laid out so that there is no boundary to the outer pussy lips. No separation between vulva and gunt, it’s just a big mound of flab tapering down to a “V” with a sweaty slit. A meaty ass with just a hint of cellulite; stretch marks like a zebra.”

    Poetry, my friend. Pure poetry.

  4. Heartbroken and horny October 22, 2012 at 10:56 pm #

    Come here, I’ll fuck you.

  5. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn October 27, 2012 at 8:51 am #

    Is this the one who takes out her small dick humiliation fetish on you unwarranted? Is that what this is all about? lmao

    I don’t know about the birth control thing, one of my exes was on that depo shot, that thing worked like a fucking charm. I came in her at least once a day for around two years straight without a care, it was fucking great. Nothing beats not having to pull out.

    Otherwise, some pretty astute observations here. I noticed that OKCupid is filled with Amazon women; half of the fucking profiles on there are chicks 5’8″ and up. I never realized how hard of a time they had finding a guy until I signed up on there. What about the cosplay chicks? I notice a lot of them on there. I didn’t even know that whole thing existed until I signed up on there. I guess you could group them in with the gamer girls, they probably get too much attention at their Japanime dress-up conventions or whatever. I don’t know, I never bother messaging them, they seem kind of ridiculous.

    I get messaged by some cute fat chicks, but I don’t have the heart, or the lack thereof, to string them along just to fuck them like that, so I don’t even bother replying. I probably should.

    Jewish girls ARE a pain in the ass, cause they usually grew up spoiled and pampered. Bunch of fucking henpecking, nitpicking, overbearing yentas for the most part. My buddy just married one, poor bastard.

    What about Italian girls? Guess you don’t have many of them out in LA. Italian girls will fuck you on the second date, but if you piss them off or dick them around they will flip the fuck out on you; you’ll wind up with an apartment full of broken shit and a black eye. I had an ex fucking punch me in the face as hard as she could while I was driving, she was sitting in the passenger seat and just leaned over and tagged me with a right cross. My nose was bleeding all over, I had to pull the car over and throw her the fuck out on the side of the street… only to turn around and get her after about 20 blocks like a sucker. The temper stereotype isn’t really too far off the mark.

    Irish girls probably make the best girlfriends. Low maintenance, love to drink so you know you’re getting laid. Usually pretty loyal. Toss up between them and Italian girls, although, I don’t know, never fucked an Asian, they seem like they would make good girlfriends.

    • хуйня March 11, 2014 at 3:15 pm #

      New York’s similar, with slight regional variance

      Chicks with more than 10 photos: 99% are insecure. Usually they don’t write back, but if you end up dating one, they require CONSTANT validation and will text you endlessly and about the most trivial things, like you’re Twitter with a dick and a wallet.

      Black chicks: are OK if you’re into Delroy Lindo.
      The 2 or 3 that are within a medically acceptable weight range
      are probably spreading Lil Wayne’s herpes.

      Asian chicks: mostly moneyed ice queens. Or internet scam artists. Usually the latter if they have that weird Western-style eye surgery thing.

      Polish chicks: love and I mean LOVE to argue. Generally are opinionated control freaks.

      Chicks with cat-eye mascara: Really? What are you guys, 12? If you’re out of college yet still following a trend popular with middle-schoolers, you’re Damaged Goods. Sometimes easy, always never worth it.

      Chicks with overly-manicured eyebrows: Run. Seriously. That facial feature is proof positive of an underlying emotional / temper disorder. White ones are the worst.

      Any chick with a master’s, PhD, MD, or JD: Forget it. Most spent so long chasing the fancy letters after their name that their prime sexual years came and went. Or they’re perpetually overworked.
      Master’s ones tend to be unemployed sponges.

  6. collapseofman November 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    I’ve only experienced 20% of these and it’s 100% spot on. This post is now my Bible.

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