Without fanfare, here are my endorsements for the 2012 Federal, State of California, and Los Angeles City/ County elections and referenda:
PRESIDENT: Fuckballs McShitdick, Veiny Pulsating Overlord of Planet Buttnuggetron. I wish I had actually thought of this while voting. I don’t even know if you can write in candidates. Instead I voted for Gary Johnson, the Libertarian. But as I was walking out I had the worst case of l’esprit d’escalier in recorded history wishing I had voted for Fuckballs McShitdick, Veiny Pulsating Overlord of Planet Buttnuggetron. Don’t make the same mistake I did. McShitdick ’12.
I would have voted for Obama if my vote made a difference. But it does not. Abolish the Electoral College. Literally not one single person who even slightly defends the Electoral College is not a shit eating retard without the brains God gave a lamprey.
UNITED STATES SENATE: ugh, fucking Diane Feinstein. I hate this surly sanctimonious twat. I have a bit of a soft spot for her leathery colleague Barbara Boxer, because I was at a charity event she was speaking at and overheard her say to a lackey “Jesus Christ, what the fuck am I doing here.” Boxer earned my support for life at that moment. But Feinstein– all I remember about her is her opposing pot legalization because “I wouldn’t want my granddaughter getting involved with that.” Fuck your cuntass granddaughter, you prudish old busybody. You wouldn’t want your granddaughter getting made airtight by Lexington Steele, Sean Williams and Mandingo either, but… I would want that for her? I don’t know what point I was trying to make there. I had never heard of Feinsteins’s opponent but fuck Republicans. Plus, another vote that doesn’t count. So: reluctantly, Feinstein.
UNITED STATES CONGRESS: Adam Schiff, Democrat. Wait, what the fuck? Who is Adam fucking Schiff? Xavier Becerra is my fucking Democratic congressman, isn’t he? His office is right down the block. How many congressional districts are there? How is a non Mexican the Democratic nominee in Echo Park? How is this Jew representing a neighborhood where you are not just likely but guaranteed to be hearing a tuba playing a jug band bass line while some fat mustachioed drunk sings about “Mi corazooooonnnnn” at all times? EVERY SINGLE TRUCK on my block has Calvin pissing on the logo of some third world soccer team. Schiff must be a miracle worker. Whatever, Adam Schiff. Democrat. Fine.
LOS ANGELES DISTRICT ATTORNEY: this is one I actually looked into, because the D.A. is the person who puts your ass in jail. As you know, I love cocaine, drunk driving, and underage girls, and there is a small but non-negligible chance that I will dismember my boss with my bare hands like ripping apart a chicken wing in the near future, so– this office will likely have a direct effect on my life. Usually in California prosecutorial elections you have one hardass who’s gonna break the gangs and protect your little girl from, well, me, and one bleeding heart who’s gonna set up special lenient drug courts and not prosecute pot and rehabilitate the M13 face tattoo kid into a model citizen and etc. I vote the bleeding heart. Well: both candidates fucking suck this time. Alan Jackson is gonna shake up the system and break the gangs and had L.A.’s only celebrity conviction in years for Phil Spector. Jackie Lacey was the number two to the last hardass D.A. and is gonna break the gangs and blah blah blah. I voted Lacey. She’s a black chick, so… I don’t know. Black chicks can’t put too many people in jail, right?
CA. BALLOT PROPOSITIONS:
PROP 30: Temporary taxes, schools, whatever. Schools, fine. Yes.
PROP 31: Restructure state budget to give money to towns– never heard of this but it has to be some Orange County jerkoff not wanting to give his town’s money to black kids. Suck it, Peter Gallagher’s character on TV. No.
PROP 32: Bans unions from taking political money out of your check. Unions are a mixed bag but anti-union interests are always worse. No.
PROP 33: Auto insurance, whatever. No. I don’t want hear the words “auto insurance” in a law ever again unless it’s somebody mandating that Flo has to eat out my ass while I creampie Erin E-surance.
PROP 34: Repeal the death penalty. Now look. I support the death penalty in theory. But– innocent people get put to death. That’s just a fucking fact. Maybe give people convicted of capital crimes a choice: life in prison, OR one year of living high off the fucking hog before you get taken before a firing squad. Ice cream, whores, liquor, Xbox. One year. More pussy and steak than you can believe. But NO appeals, no lawyers, no nothing. You choose that, you get capped at hour twenty four on day three hundred sixty five. As it stands, fuck the death penalty. They kill dudes who didn’t do it. Yes, repeal.
PROP 35: Anti-human trafficking initiative. Well– first off, I am in favor of human trafficking. And this expands the definition of human trafficking so that people who make a living doing things I enjoy: namely, having sex for money, get harsh sentences and are registered as sex offenders for life. Hysterical pussies made this law, and it will pass because THEY WILL TRAFFICK YOUR DAUGHTER if it doesn’t. Fuck whoever wrote this law. We protect little girls too much already. You want your daughter to be safe? Never leave her alone around a man. Otherwise she’s gonna take one right up the bald cunt sooner or later. No.
PROP 36: Lighten up on Three Strikes. The Three Strikes Law is more stupid shit. I get the argument, that HOW can somebody be SO FUCKING STUPID to steal a Snickers after getting popped twice for armed robbery. Anyone THAT dumb clearly deserves to be imprisoned for life. But– if someone is that fucking stupid, can we just… I don’t know. Put them on an island somewhere. Let’s have Thunderdome with them or something. Make them slaves. Something constructive. But I don’t care if you’ve been popped ten times for raping babies in the face before torching a youth soccer team, going to the joint for life for jacking toilet paper is stupid. Yes, repeal.
PROP 37: Label genetically engineered foods. I’m a liberal, but fuck this. Everyone who supports this believes that water fluoridation causes autism and Kool Aid sterilizes blacks. Which, obviously Kool Aid is doing a great job. Fuck this paranoia. Put squid genes in my tortillas. It’s as likely to give me superpowers as cancer. Put a whale gene in my corn and make my dick bigger. No.
PROP 38: Taxes, children, etc. Fine.
PROP 39: Tax treatment for multistate businesses– basically collects state tax from out of state businesses. Good. Fuck you, Idaho. Pay me.
PROP 40: Redistricting, blah blah blah. Apparently I already got redistricted because who the fuck is Adam Schiff. Fine.
LOS ANGELES BALLOT MEASURES:
MEASURE A: What? No.
MEASURE J: Sales tax, who gives a shit, transportation blah blah blah. Fine.
MEASURE B: Mandatory Condoms in Porn Complete with On-Site City Inspections.
This is why I voted.
Run the country into the ground. Send troops to die and get mangled horribly overseas. Take my tax money and use it to spring rapists and murderers; move them in on my block. I don’t give a fuck.
But you don’t fuck with a man where he beats off. No condoms, ever. Not in porn, not in life, not ever. Unless you are gay. I don’t want to live in an L.A. where porn performers have been displaced to Nevada and don’t show up at parties and maybe suck you off for a couple bumps of coke. And I will NEVER beat off to porn that is actually tamer and safer than my real sex life. Not in my fucking America. ANGELENOS: VOTE “NO” ON MEASURE B. YOU CAN PRY MY DICK FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS.
Thanks for listening.