Archive | January, 2013

Getting Fired Diary: Freedom Day Eve

31 Jan

Image stolen from flickr user andysternberg.

Tomorrow is Freedom Day.  My last day of work.  Most people in my work orbit don’t even know.  I don’t know how to tell them.  I don’t want to have the same conversation over and over.  I’m leaving the company.  They’ll try to sound out whether I left or got fired.  In fact, there is some nuance.  I’m getting fired, but I fucking really wanted to get fired.  Like when your house burns down but you hated that fucking house anyway, it was the fucking Amityville house with demons crawling out of pools of blood and you hallucinated that every meal was full of maggots, and at least now you can collect insurance.  They want to say I’m so sorry; they want to show sympathy for what they think I must be unhappy and scared about.  I don’t know any of these people, I realize now.  They don’t know me.  Because these jobs are like getting paid to slam your dick in a car door over and over  and anyone who does them is a fucking idiot.  We have such a short life; I have wasted so much of it at this.  I am glad to be free and I am sorry you’re still here, saying your work is going great like a battered wife talks about her marriage. Continue reading

Hey Birds:

30 Jan

cat-coot

So I hear cats are killing two billion of you per year.  Listen up: you can FUCKING FLY, for Christ’s sake. If cats were taking out penguins that’s one thing, but you can FUCKING FLY. You sit on a telephone wire all day. If you can’t keep an eye out in your five minutes on the ground eating some old woman’s stale Wonder Bread and FLY AWAY when you see a cat, I have no sympathy. Good riddance, you winged jerkoffs.

Always the Same Shit with These Women

30 Jan

Don’t read this if it’s about you.

She is going crazy.  Asking if she can delete my number and facebook, then instantaneously OKC messaging me saying I DON’T HAVE YOUR NUMBER OR FACEBOOK SO I DON’T KNOW HOW GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU. CAN YOU TAKE ALL REFERENCES TO ME ON YOUR WEB SITE DOWN.  She is going to accuse me of rape or something.  Or have some guy kick my ass. Oh well. Continue reading

Shit Jobs: McDonald’s

27 Jan

mcds

Previous McDonald’s talk here and here.

I was sixteen and my mom made me get a job.  Again.  Learn the value of work.  She was right, it’s a lesson I retain decades later: the value of work is less than fucking zero, a negative eating away at your soul and your life.  So, thanks.  I applied at the McDonald’s in Kingston, Mass.

You had to buy your own McDonald’s shirt and special synthetic pocketless pants so you couldn’t walk out with a ninety nine cent hamburger warmed to ass temperature.  They took the money out of your first couple checks.   The checks came three weeks late; they’d docked sixty eight bucks for the uniforms they’d sold you, and taxes were taken out, something like a third of your check.  At that point you’d been working dozens of hours in the sweltering hissing clamoring kitchen, alarms constantly blaring, six hundred degree grills an inch away from the meat of your hands, swabbing the greasy tiles over and over with a filthy mop every time there was a two second lull in orders, getting yelled at– you got your check and it was fucking nothing.  You had known what taxes were in an abstract sense, the ten per cent federal tax bracket, but what you didn’t know was state tax, city tax, FICA, SDI… weird acronyms… your check came an ungodly amount of time later and there was nothing left.  The value of work.  Cleaning the toilet, a filthy log of shit breaching in piss yellow water with toilet paper snaked over the bowl and onto the floor about one out of every four times you went in there– the value of work. Continue reading

Tag Team Reader Mailbag: Getting Young Girls Drunk

25 Jan

XXX-jug

“Juan Stabone” writes:

As a non-drinker, I encountered an absolutely galling situation twice in a period of three months: The girl is over my place, and everything’s going great. In one case I even have her tits out. Then she communicates essentially that she’s down with getting laid, but she can’t fuck me because she doesn’t have any booze in her/is not comfortable enough. Of course, all is lost after that.

fffffffffuuuuuuuu

They were both banging, banging hot. Not like the animals you (Delicioustacos) seem to have relations with. Months later, not a day has passed wherein I do not deeply regret both occasions. I have developed a minor case of PTSD.

So anyway, what kind of alcohol do I buy to get young girls drunk at my place? I assume there is some sort of fruity wine thing I can put in a sippy cup for them, but I just don’t know anything about booze.

Nikol says: Continue reading

Send Us Your Sex and Relationship Questions

23 Jan

FYI: Nikol D. S. Hasler, an expert in Teen Sex Education, and myself, an expert in having sex with uneducated teens, will field your sex & relationship questions if they’re at all inspiring.  Send submissions to: delicioustacosdotcom@gmail.com

Or leave them in the comments.

Women

23 Jan

Very little matters to women except that you don’t give a shit about them.  If you can get that going, no slight is unforgivable.  They are single issue voters.  Passion and ambition and confidence, they will say.  Good job and tall and listens to the right kind of music.  Wrong.  A short dispassionate unambitious self-loathing unemployed gnome is digging that ass out to some Slayer.  There was just something about him.

Loser Diary: Text Message

22 Jan

I’m thinking about texting her.  Every time I text her, I think about it.  This means I have already lost.  The part of you that thinks is not the part that gets you laid.  The part of you that games, and strategizes.  You had already lost it two steps back, if you have to communicate in a way you don’t really feel.  But what do I really feel.  I like you.  But you better fuck me. Continue reading

OKCupid: One Hundred Messages Per Day

20 Jan

you are not ugly

This is a conversation with a friend of mine the day OKcupid blocked everybody’s pictures for their stupid “Crazy Blind Date” promotion.

I want you to remember this.  She gets over one hundred messages per day.  She is in her 30′s.  One hundred messages per day.  She is a single mother. One hundred messages per day.  She lists her body type as “a little extra.”  One hundred messages per day.  Her “looking for” only lists “friends.”  She gets one hundred messages per day.  You get zero messages per day. Continue reading

Getting Fired Diary: To Whoever Has to Monitor My Internet Activity

18 Jan

Man-at-computer

They are monitoring my computer.  I get the network logon screen every time the thing hibernates for ten minutes, which never happened before.  I.T. is watching me.  Looking for me to steal data?  There is nothing your corporation has that I could possibly give a shit about.  You broadcast sitcoms, for Christ’s sake.  Looking for a reason to fire me with cause and fuck me out of unemployment?  Who knows.

I don’t give a fuck.  What am I gonna do, not jerk off at work?  I’m the last one in the fucking office.  My ball sac grows weighty through the long work day.  I’m sour and miserable and about to get into fucking San Fernando Valley traffic- what would you have me do?  I must be relieved.

Who is the guy who has to go through every web site I’ve visited while on the clock.  God, I hope it’s a guy, but– of course not.  I.T. is tapping it but the results gotta go to H.R., and there is not a male H.R. representative on the face of this planet.   So it’s not going to be, like– a guy would immediately know what Xhamster is and understand.  He’s not going to think I’m studying domestic rodents.  A guy has the same fear of someone grabbing his laptop and starting to type in “youtube.” He may even know what the blooper site “daft porn” is.  He would have to fire me or reprimand me or fuck me out of unemployment but at least he would understand.  A smart guy would see the exact videos I spent the most time on and go look them up.  Dude had that one up for eight minutes- it must be the shit.  Then he jacks off at work and someone else is monitoring him– quis custodiet ipses custodies?  Who jacks off to the jackoffs?

But a woman, she’s not gonna know what any of that shit is.  She’s gonna see that I keep refreshing the stats page on delicioustacos.com, though, and know it’s my blog.  So, madam, allow me to explain:

7:00pm rolls around.  My asshole boss and my asshole colleague have left, finally.  It felt like a thousand lifetimes but at last they’re gone.
Continue reading

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