Getting Fired Diary: To Whoever Has to Monitor My Internet Activity

18 Jan

Man-at-computer

They are monitoring my computer.  I get the network logon screen every time the thing hibernates for ten minutes, which never happened before.  I.T. is watching me.  Looking for me to steal data?  There is nothing your corporation has that I could possibly give a shit about.  You broadcast sitcoms, for Christ’s sake.  Looking for a reason to fire me with cause and fuck me out of unemployment?  Who knows.

I don’t give a fuck.  What am I gonna do, not jerk off at work?  I’m the last one in the fucking office.  My ball sac grows weighty through the long work day.  I’m sour and miserable and about to get into fucking San Fernando Valley traffic- what would you have me do?  I must be relieved.

Who is the guy who has to go through every web site I’ve visited while on the clock.  God, I hope it’s a guy, but– of course not.  I.T. is tapping it but the results gotta go to H.R., and there is not a male H.R. representative on the face of this planet.   So it’s not going to be, like– a guy would immediately know what Xhamster is and understand.  He’s not going to think I’m studying domestic rodents.  A guy has the same fear of someone grabbing his laptop and starting to type in “youtube.” He may even know what the blooper site “daft porn” is.  He would have to fire me or reprimand me or fuck me out of unemployment but at least he would understand.  A smart guy would see the exact videos I spent the most time on and go look them up.  Dude had that one up for eight minutes- it must be the shit.  Then he jacks off at work and someone else is monitoring him– quis custodiet ipses custodies?  Who jacks off to the jackoffs?

But a woman, she’s not gonna know what any of that shit is.  She’s gonna see that I keep refreshing the stats page on delicioustacos.com, though, and know it’s my blog.  So, madam, allow me to explain:

7:00pm rolls around.  My asshole boss and my asshole colleague have left, finally.  It felt like a thousand lifetimes but at last they’re gone.

7:00:01: Daftporn.com.  This is a porn blooper site for humorous and unusual films.  I’m visiting here first on the off chance they have premature ejaculation, small penis humiliation, or diaper videos.  After a week or so off popping to vanilla porn one of these weird fetish things will make me nut fast as fuck.  On a red letter day they will have some favela alley clip out of Brazil where the girl looks underage, and this is the porn Powerball, but lately they’ve smartened up, so no such luck.  Average time spent: 15 seconds.

7:00:16: Fapdu, xhamster, xvideos.  A normal day will have me searching these for “Russian” and sorting by “date added.”  Approximately seven to twelve new “Russian” videos are added each day.  My hope is there will be a new one with a fresh faced non porn star looking adolescent chick being railed by a skinny young guy who looks like he might actually be her boyfriend.  The “Russian” serarchterm is a way to avoid the vulgar and cartoonish excesses of American porn with its fake tits, horrendous tramp stamps, rhinestone navel piercings, absurd tans, and etc.  Also shit like drinking cum out of a glass, double anal with big black cocks, spitting in a chick’s face– American porn is disgusting and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.  Mother Russia sticks to the classics: good looking people fuck.  Unfortunately most of the new porns will be “milf” or “granny” themed.  Russian mom fucks young boy.  Who on earth beats off to old women– fucking perverts.  Two minutes.

7:02:16 Refresh above sites with the search term “chubby,” sort by date added.  Fuck you, I like chubby chicks.  Are you laughing at me, H.R. lady?  Or are you secretly flattered.  “Chubby” is another way to avoid the dickshrinking porn cliches of San Fernando Valley studio porn.  Any porn with a named porn star is disgusting (except for you, Misti; yours are great).  Even reading words like “Jenna Haze” and “Angelikka Dank” or whateverthefuck grosses me out and kills my erection.  I would rather masturbate to Honey Boo Boo’s mom than studio porn stars.  The hope with “chubby” is to find a young amateur woman with big tits and thick meaty haunches making a cute tape with her boyfriend.  Unfortunately most of the time it’s true BBW’s– giant cottage cheesy monsters whose ass cracks flap open fully brown on the inside, from constantly being rubbed against unwiped shit.  A lot of times when you look at “chubby” you go back 3 spaces in The Boner Game.  But once in a while you see the one hot chick from the don’t-have-bulimia Dove ad.  Worth the risk.  Two minutes.

7:04:16  I have looked at at least 8 videos by now and have not found one I’d like to nut to.  I have an erection, but it’s a crude unthinking reflex just from watching humanoids shuffle back and forth on top of each other, like getting hard from watching monkeys on a nature show.  Need to venture back into fetish territory.  This is why you will see search terms like “breed,” which leads to massively endowed black men impregnating white women.  I don’t care about the racial component, I just like watching people get pregnant, and somehow interracial is the only genre where they take care to make clear that a woman is being impregnated in the video.  Usually the women are disgusting though– a woman appearing in black impregnation porn is so far down the road to meth-addled suicide… she’s well into her thirties and was never that hot to begin with.  It’s very rare you can find one of these black stars/ filmmakers who can find fresh talent off the street.  DK Knight pulls it off once in a while.  One minute.

7:05:16: If there’s nothing good under “breed,” that’s why you’re seeing “force,” and “ravage.”  I regret to inform you that these are rape videos.  Don’t worry, it’s not illegal.  I’m not pulling contraband into the cache, but those are code words for videos, again from our friends in Russia, where a plumber shows up to a young lady’s house and then holds her down, makes her suck his dick, peels her clothes off…. all while she’s histrionically screaming and struggling in a way guaranteed to not actualy free her or injure her co-performer.  Or the priest and his buddy rape the bride on her wedding night; old world types like religious shit.  Again, good ones of these are few and far between.  I can’t suspend my disbelief that she doesn’t just bite his dick off.  Still.

7:06:16: Still. All these porns are horrible but the cumulative effect of watching at least twenty different couples fuck rawdog has given me a hot pulsating erection. I get up, walk to the bathroom with my swollen and hypersensitive member in the sidepipe position.  In early attempts, I’ve been so aroused that I’ve cum in my pants from the friction of walking.  Lock the door, hold a paper towel in front of my dickhole and lightly tickle the meat for five seconds until 20 forceful thick spurts of jizz squirt out.  At this point you’ll notice that shortly thereafter I’ve closed all my tabs, including at least thirty fake Livejasmine ads with a 20 second loop of a woman of marginal attractiveness masturbating.  Crimson background with stage curtains.  Every single ad on every porno site on the planet is Livejasmine; I bet they’re secretly bigger than Apple. Maybe I can get a job at Livejasmine.

7:08:48 Google Maps– this is me cheerfully checking traffic.  Heading home with a smile, and something to look forward to the next day.  A happy worker is a productive worker.

Anyway, take this in the spirit in which it’s intended: if you fuck me on unemployment, I will (REDACTED).  Figuratively.  Also, sorry for watching so much porn.

Talk soon.

10 Responses to “Getting Fired Diary: To Whoever Has to Monitor My Internet Activity”

  1. sexbandtherapy January 18, 2013 at 10:15 am #

    You’ve got some major balls watching porn at work. kudos.

  2. Words from Big Bird January 18, 2013 at 10:25 am #

    Hahah, I fucking hate livejasmine pop-ups,smh.

    Anyway, I’ve never been to daft porn but judging by what you say it is, you’d find efukt.com entertaining. Dude has some pretty funny descriptions.

    Also, for something slightly different, try searching “cock hero flux” on pornhub.

    Have a good weekend.

  3. Anonymous January 20, 2013 at 8:11 am #

    Do you ever wonder if you had done something productive, instead of all the times you’ve jacked off?

    • Words from Big Bird January 20, 2013 at 10:46 am #

      gooooo on…
      wtf haveyoudone today? i drank some 18 yr old Chivas,got slightly depressed, read the opening to “The Road” and then came here. Thanks Cornelius

  4. Words from Big Bird January 20, 2013 at 10:49 am #

    “The first time Morgan Freeman looked in a mirror and cried, he grew old”

    • No longer anonymous January 20, 2013 at 12:50 pm #

      Sorry, I can’t see how this was a reply to my comment.

  5. Kaywhole (@Kaywhole) February 2, 2013 at 1:56 pm #

    I remember the first time I beat off at work.

    I worked in an I.T. department of an office and was asked to come in on a Saturday to re-image a bunch of computers. It was just me and the big boss, who as far as I know, did absolutely nothing but look discontent all the time. Every time he saw me “training” the cute girl at the front desk he would give us a look of utter disgust – like we were pissing in each others’ mouths or something. Anyway, he told me to get 20 computers ready for “deployment” as if I was going to stick them on a landing craft and have them storm a beach. Instead, I was giving them to office drones so they could watch videos of cats on the internet and fuck them up again. They had this retarded setup that a quiet, Asian kid with a 130 IQ had set up where you could only do 4 computers at a time. Since I didn’t feel like milking the clock that hard (because I wanted to go home), I broke into old storage rooms and dug out as many switches and cables as I could find and created a super station that could image 30 computers at a time. Once they got started, my work was done and all I had to do was watch the progress bar for two hours. Aroused by my ingenuity and the fact that I was almost entirely alone in a huge office, I decided to go to the bathroom for a quickie with my hand. I squeezed one out, careful not to make more work for the janitor and incriminate myself since I was one of probably 5 people in the whole 4-story building and the natural culprit for making a jizz-mess since I was the only worker who wasn’t too beaten down to beat down on the clock. Satisfied from blowing a load, I decided to find Big Boss and take lunch.

    When I got fired a few weeks later, they refused to tell me why I was being canned. I wouldn’t leave until they gave me an explanation at which point I was told I would be escorted from the building. Like the warden in Shawshank Redemption, I was left to wonder where I went wrong and I had no fucking clue.

  6. Antonio banderas February 9, 2013 at 7:57 am #

    Story of my life. Amazing post.

  7. Anonymous April 5, 2013 at 8:17 pm #

    #myfreecams #xserve #xo #mylilpony

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. OKCupid: What I’m Doing with My Life | delicioustacos - April 6, 2013

    [...] only hate them for making me show up. I will coast on the least amount of effort possible. I will jerk off at work if there’s any privacy. Who wants that [...]

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