Tag Team Reader Mailbag: Getting Young Girls Drunk

25 Jan

XXX-jug

“Juan Stabone” writes:

As a non-drinker, I encountered an absolutely galling situation twice in a period of three months: The girl is over my place, and everything’s going great. In one case I even have her tits out. Then she communicates essentially that she’s down with getting laid, but she can’t fuck me because she doesn’t have any booze in her/is not comfortable enough. Of course, all is lost after that.

fffffffffuuuuuuuu

They were both banging, banging hot. Not like the animals you (Delicioustacos) seem to have relations with. Months later, not a day has passed wherein I do not deeply regret both occasions. I have developed a minor case of PTSD.

So anyway, what kind of alcohol do I buy to get young girls drunk at my place? I assume there is some sort of fruity wine thing I can put in a sippy cup for them, but I just don’t know anything about booze.

Nikol says:

The only time I can take the bone while sober is if the guy is good looking and charming. I will assume that you are neither, especially if you get the titties out and she’s not writhing and ready to go. But your question wasn’t “Am I ugly?”

As an aside, DT fucks plenty of banging hot girls. He’s self-deprecating, which helps us love him, and makes people like you believe that he’s out there porking porkies.

Now, about the booze thing. If you’re trying to bang a 16 year old, get some fruity drinks. If you’re trying to bang a 19-23 year old, go with one of the following:

  • If she’s health conscious, vodka. We ladies believe that if we drink vodka, it won’t make us fat.
  • If she’s one of those arty, fru-fru girls, wine. It makes them feel cultured and mature.
  • If she’s one of the wilder sorts, a girl who fancies herself to be very cool, whiskey. See, young girls like to prove themselves. They like to show a guy that they can drink like a man. So, if you offer her a Smirnoff ice, she’ll roll her darling eyes. But if you pour yourself a whiskey, she’ll likely proclaim herself a “whiskey girl”, a term I’ve heard so much in the past three years from young girls that my liver is rolling its darling eyes.

But, here’s the warning. Don’t get her too drunk. Because if they get too drunk, they can legally say that they didn’t consent. So, small bottles, slow pours. And improve your techniques with the titties so they get wet and beg for it.

DT says:

“As a non-drinker, I encountered an absolutely galling situation…”

As a paraplegic, I’ve noticed my 100 meter time is behind that of my competitors….

As an elderly blind woman, I’ve noticed my MMA career is not progressing as I’d hoped…

As an Earthworm, I’ve noticed my road to the Presidency of the United States has been unusually difficult…

Why don’t you drink alcohol?  Are you religious?  God does not exist.  Drink alcohol.  Family history of alcohol abuse?  They abused it for a reason: it’s awesome.  Drink alcohol.  Afraid of damaging your organs and blunting your wits?  A healthy liver and the ability to recall who played The Beastmaster are no reasons to go through life miserable.

Nikol is right about the type of shit that girls drink.  But also, they will drink anything.  I usually grab a fifth of “El Presidente” Mexican brandy from the Royale Junior Liquor Mart on the way home with a girl, because it costs $7.99.  It tastes like formaldehyde.  The actual Presidente of Mexico should have whoever slapped the name of his office on that bottle put to death.  Girls will drink it.  Girls will drink the way a billy goat eats at a landfill, because people want to be comfortable.  All alcohol tastes like shit but no one cares because it makes you feel so god damn good and it makes it real easy to fuck.

So the answer to your actual question is as easy as: just have any bottle of booze in your house.  But the answer to every other question in your life is: for fuck’s sake, start drinking alcohol.  It’s not them being sober that’s the problem; it’s you.  Because if you’re trying to get down with a girl unimpaired you’re going to have that voice in your head saying Oh God I can’t believe this hot girl is in my house– holy shit her tits are out !  Look at her tits!  Wow, is this really going to happen?  I better not fuck up I better not fuck up I better not fuck up; my game better be tight, let’s say this witty thing now… Fuck! I stumbled there, I shouldn’t have laughed at my own line, fuck— now she’s lookin’ at me funny, can I recover?  I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up oh no there go the tits back in the bra… Yes, it was nice seeing you too— another, yeah OK.  Let’s meet for, uh, coffee. 

With booze it’s more like: yeah, couch is there, mmmmm, lips, ohh, look titties… slurp slurp OK let’s carry her to the bed; let’s get them painties off… warm, wet… can I get hard? I ‘m gonna cum too fasss—squirt squirt squirt…. zzzzzzzzz……..

So fuck keeping your wits about you.  Your wits aren’t worth shit; they will just make you nervous.  Drink a couple pops of the forgetting juice and turn into the cave creature from Altered States.  That’s what women want, seriously.

Also, if you are wrestling with PTSD after failing to get some ass, a nice tall drink would fucking help.

Excelsior.

33 Responses to “Tag Team Reader Mailbag: Getting Young Girls Drunk”

  1. Anonymous January 25, 2013 at 3:27 pm #

    What is your “fuck chicken” recipe?

    • Anonymous January 25, 2013 at 5:00 pm #

      Seconded.

    • fakegirlfirlend January 25, 2013 at 10:09 pm #

      basically–it’s irrelevant.
      he pitches is at as a rarity.
      he tells you that no one eats this chicken–but himself alone–
      and that makes you feel
      well, frankly- special.
      its called “solo chicken”
      it is not particularly spectacular–except for that it tastes like your mom made it and that makes you believe and understand that he is a man from the middle of america or boston or something who still cooks his chicken from the mainstream supermarket–which in los angeles is deeply novel–and then you add that part where he told you there was something private about it.
      any woman will take her pants off the second she thinks she has entered an impenetrably private orbit. you think we like the men who have them–we only chase ass holes because our egos are just as big. we want to make sure we have broken through. the man who cant get close is the only one you score big from . its like on ms pac man–how you HAVE to eat the fruit even though the ghosty thing is close–because that is the real *win*

      • DT Fan #9 January 26, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

        Goddamn, this was your best comment yet, fakegirlfriend.

      • sylviasarah January 26, 2013 at 4:35 pm #

        Seconded.

  2. aneroidocean January 25, 2013 at 3:29 pm #

    or for the girls that think they can drink whiskey or liquor straight but really want something good to drink. Serve them amaretto on the rocks. it’s also reasonably priced and taste mother f*cking delicious

  3. Anonymous January 25, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

    oh my god this is the WORST!
    i just quit your blog.
    (just posted why on the last post—just because dear abbey just died doesnt mean you have got to fill her shoes. gag)

    • Anonymous January 26, 2013 at 10:24 am #

      Oh noooooo! You quit? Where will we find another you?

  4. dressyarson January 25, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

    I’m not surprised or nervous when a chick starts getting naked. I think this has something to do with not being self-loathing and genuinely regarding myself as a fantastic person. (I also have an enormous dong.) And I’ve successfully banged plenty of girls sober (no fatties). Looking at this objectively, I have to conclude this recent spate of failure is statistically expected. But I am definitely going to stock some alcohol. I haven’t decided if, in the moment, I’m going to say that someone else left it here, or not even attempt to mask the fact that I purchased it in a premeditated effort to lower her inhibitions.

    • dressyarson January 25, 2013 at 3:52 pm #

      I’m sorry, that was a really boring response. Replace “lower her inhibitions” with “ride her like a little hydraulic horse outside an old grocery store”.

  5. enormymous January 25, 2013 at 10:55 pm #

    ‘fakegirlfriend’. hilarious. also, train-wreck-ish. same without saying goes for nikol.

    good god man. it’s like, dt collects these … things. like what you see in jars covering the walls in creepy science fiction horror suspense b-list actor movies.

    girls who think they’re way smarter than they are, or way more not-totally-unbangable than they should be – if it weren’t for an obese cow-land giving them some artificial value. but then it’s impossible to look away, it’s just too delicious (heh) to read their little words, amazed that even though guys can’t see titties they still read them (or more likely, they don’t).

    brilliant. dt, you should have a show. a reality show. like blowout, also in LA, equally sanity defyingly unwatchable, but … can’t … stop. and you’re probably a lot like whatever that guys’ name was.

    • Anonymous January 26, 2013 at 10:25 am #

      Who the fuck are you, even? Moron.

    • NoBully January 26, 2013 at 10:41 am #

      I don’t understand why the readers of this blog hate the women in DT’s life so much. Fakegirlfriend just seems kind of hippie airheaded, and certainly nothing to be hateful about. But, now Nikol is taking some heat from these commenters? I don’t see anything about her that’s so awful. She answered a question. How does that make her a train wreck? And her answer wasn’t stupid. As for them being “Un-bangable”, those just seem like bitter words. These girls seem alright. Nice, even. I think the people who come here to comment are too used to hiding behind the internet. What’s the point of picking on people?

      • NIkolHasler January 26, 2013 at 10:57 am #

        Oh, NoBully. While I appreciate the kind words, I gotta say, the men who troll this blog are going to eat you.

        I actually am a nice person. Glad that you noticed. And I don’t worry that these weirdos think I am unbangable, because it doesn’t stop me from getting banged. But, I am sensitive, certainly, and at times I don’t understand the need to be jerks, either.

      • Anonymous January 26, 2013 at 11:47 am #

        Nobully – stop trying to be such a fucking white-knight you dickless loser.

      • YesBully January 26, 2013 at 12:19 pm #

        >I don’t understand why the readers of this blog hate the women in DT’s life so much

        Seconded. Wouldn’t matter who they are, either. The readers of this blog are mostly sad women, angry women, or vicious man-o-sphere trolls. His comment threads have been entertaining from time to time, but most of the time it’s like, “Where can I go to see a bunch of dudes insult women and then see women get upset? Oh! Yeah! DT.comments!”

      • Anonymous January 26, 2013 at 12:24 pm #

        It’s not the fault of men that women broadcast their insecurities on loudspeakers for all to hear.

      • YesBully January 26, 2013 at 12:36 pm #

        Some would argue that the women should have a thicker skin. I wouldn’t be one to agree. If I people were saying these things to or about my daughter, I wouldn’t ask her to toughen up at all. I like un-toughened women. Too many chicks these days are jaded. People should just stop being dickheads to each other.

      • dressyarson January 26, 2013 at 1:45 pm #

        The Asian one sounded good.

      • Anonymous January 26, 2013 at 5:23 pm #

        The Asian one never commented. So she never had a chance to be stupid.

  6. sylviasarah January 26, 2013 at 4:40 pm #

    Whoever said most of the commenters on here are bitter women has obviously not read the comments that basically amount to women are there to be used, shut up you’re all whores. So, I’m gonna say it’s about 50/50 bitter chicks/bitter guys.

    • Anonymous January 26, 2013 at 6:41 pm #

      You need to go to college and learn to write. Take ritalyn or something, jeez.

  7. vsoze January 28, 2013 at 1:11 pm #

    DT, great advice, compadre. Alcohol has to be ingested and the titties have got to stay out. “Juan Lostbone” better get his shit together.

    Nikol also spitting great advice, with her usual wisdom. I believe you to be caliente and bonita too, on top of funny. Next time I’m in LA I’m going to hit you up, you best be ready.

    • nikolhasler January 28, 2013 at 2:11 pm #

      Well, thank you vsoze. How do I go about being ready?

      • vsoze February 4, 2013 at 7:51 pm #

        Start by having a case of Tecate, bursting, ice cold, waiting for me. We can go from there, querida.

  8. Not Juan Stabone January 28, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

    Mr. Stabone asks a stupid question, but I have a serious one: how do you pick up chicks when you are sick (cold/sinus infection/flu/whateverthefuck) and basically *can’t* drink? I am sicker than Alex Litvinenko right now and I every time I drink, I get laid, but the next day is gone… help!

    • Anonymous January 29, 2013 at 6:07 pm #

      Fuck yourself.

      • Not Juan Stabone January 30, 2013 at 3:59 am #

        No fuck you

  9. Kari January 30, 2013 at 2:37 pm #

    Young dumb girls? Something cheap and fruity.
    Kooler than cool hipsters? Whiskey, Lone Star or Steel Reserve.

    Keep it cool guys. If you are going to insult other posters, don’t be anonymous.
    Grow a set.

    • NotBeingAnonymous January 30, 2013 at 10:48 pm #

      Was the original answer not enough for you, Kari? Is this the ask Kari network?

  10. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn January 30, 2013 at 8:52 pm #

    I’m with Nikol here in that I am perplexed by the circumstances Juan Stabone described. Usually when you’re at the point where you have a girl back at your house, you’re hooking up with her, and you have her titties out sucking on them or whatever, by that point she should be turned on enough to where you can ease her thighs apart and start rubbing her pussy, then from there just inch down her panties and start fingerblasting her snatch. And from there you should pretty much have the green light. Or at least be able to cajole her into giving you a blowjob. Or at the VERY least a handjob. Since you’re wondering what kind of alcohol to buy I am assuming you are of legal age to drink alcohol, but how old are these girls you’re fucking with that stop you trying to take their bra off? “No, wait… we shouldn’t be doing this.” The scenario I’m picturing in my mind is like a bad after school special. And one of them specifically said to you that she can’t fuck because she’s not drunk? I don’t know…

    As far as the alcohol, girls of all ages love fruity shit that doesn’t taste too strong. That’s where I would have to disagree with Nikol and the poster above. I have an ex-girlfriend that used to love to drink those Malibu Bay Breezes. Every time she came over my house she brought a little tote bag – well, in her case a big tote bag because she drank like a fish – with all the ingredients: a big bottle of Malibu Coconut rum, a big can of pineapple juice, and a big container of cranberry juice. She would grab a 16oz cup out of my cabinet and fill it like three quarters of the way up with rum, then throw in a splash of the pineapple and cranberry juice. The surprising thing was even with all that alcohol they still didn’t taste all that strong, they were tolerable. Sickly sweet, but for a chick, tolerable. This usually resulted in her getting absolutely sloshed and spilling drinks all over my fucking floor, but the plus side was that she turned into a filthy fucking cocksucking slob when she was drunk. It was great. Not so great the next morning when you felt like you were walking around in a movie theatre after all that shit dried up.

    You don’t have to buy coconut rum, you can substitute it with regular rum. Remember, the goal is to get her as drunk as possible while still allowing her to maintain a dimly burning ember of sobriety at the core of her brain, this way after you date rape her you’ll have some plausible deniablity when she files sexual assault charges against you, you creepy bastard. “absolutely galling”? Who talks like that? You sound like fucking Patrick Bateman.

    Just kidding, good luck!

    I’m not really kidding.

  11. Anonymous February 2, 2013 at 2:39 pm #

    True players keep citron absolut and cranberry juice/amaretto/white or red wine on deck for these occasions. Women will justify sleeping with you because they were drunk, albeit from one drink.

  12. Anonymous April 5, 2013 at 8:30 pm #

    #royrodgers #thestatedepartment #somethingsafootatthecirclek #bukkake

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