Unemployment Diary: What Do You Do

3 Feb

???

Pussy is heroin for the ego.  And I need a fucking hit.  It’s been a month.  Little more.  New Year’s Day was the last time.  I know I said New Year’s Eve is an ass desert and don’t go out and fuck New Year’s and etc.  But I was wrong; I took home an attractive woman I met at a  great party, and fucked her in the morning when I was sober enough for my dick to work.  Don’t ever listen to me.  But that was a month ago.

Gotta get back on OKCupid now but what do you say, you know.  All girls want to know what you do.  I’m unemployed.  I had put that I had a shitty job, but, a job is a job.  I had listed that my income was between forty and fifty thousand dollars a year.  Now it’s zero.  When girls asked what do you do, I would lie, I would tell them some outlandish shit.  But it was a lie with a powerful truth behind it, which was: I work on movies and TV shows you know about and love and I get to meet famous people and, you know, I have a place to go in the fucking morning Monday through Friday.

Now when they ask me what do you do I’m gonna say “nothing.”  Not “I’m freelancing” or “consulting” or any of that other white collar doublespeak for “your taxes pay me to jerk off.”  What do you do?  Nothing, wanna fuck?  Nothing, or rather, I’m a wizard, and a master of two handed swords, my job is to rid the island of Solstheim from the menace of the Dragonborn Miraak.  But that only takes up a couple hours, the rest of the time I’m sitting on the toilet reading Charles Bukowski.  He makes me feel good about not having a job.  He didn’t have one a lot of the time and he still got a ton of pussy.  Anyway, wanna fuck?

What do you do?  Nothing, and I resent you for making me feel like I have to do something.  Fuck you and your expectations.  I’m not gonna pay for your kids’ stupid college and keep you in a nice car.  Eat shit.  Your forebears fought for decades for your right to suffer in an office just like I did; go buy your own shit, whore.  That’ll go over well.

What do you do?  Fuck off, I’ve been unemployed for two days and already you’re pestering me about this fucking shit.  If I were two points handsomer I could say I’m an actor and you’d fuck me.  Really I’m a writer but I have no concept of how to make money out of it, so it doesn’t count.  “Writer” out here means you aspire to get paid five grand a week to argue about take out with a bunch of other unfunny jerkoffs.  You write sitcoms that Broadcast Standards & Practices assures will contain nothing funny or honest.  You’re basically an overpaid detergent salesman but good for you, you’re pulling off a scam.  You are on staff and you are developing a pilot, the premise of which is “and now they all gotta move in together.”  He’s white… and she’s Mexican, but they’re married!  Wait until grandma hears about this.  To be fair, what else are you going to write a sitcom about, but fuck you for having money when I’m broke.

Fuck you for being a detergent salesman but my dream is to be a fucking dildo and whore salesman.  Move this site off WordPress and put ads on it for the kind of shit that people who search for “fake rape sex” like to buy.  Get a buck every time someone clicks through to a replica of Misti Dawn’s vagina.  If I got a tenth of a penny every time someone looked at this site it would cover my internet bill.  If I got a penny every time someone looked at this site it would pay for all my liquor.  How does one do that.

That’s my project this week.  Figure out how to make that happen.  What do you do?  I write about getting drunk and I get paid ten cents when someone buys a mold of a porn star’s asshole.  Beats working.  Can’t wait to meet your parents.

23 Responses to “Unemployment Diary: What Do You Do”

  1. Anonymous February 3, 2013 at 5:24 pm #

    Dude-two days. Chill out. Women PREFER men who are searching and liberated. You just sound like a masochistic ball of fear. You are actually addicted to that Hollywood bullshit. Pretty extreme hypocrisy . Just try and live without its shit to ironically oppose and see what kind of identity you can invent. Be independent–for like a week at least. Have some fun. Go to a bar at 5:00 –see what new hot neighborhood pussy doesn’t work 9-5. Jeez

    • flyingfuck February 3, 2013 at 5:53 pm #

      No, no, no. This is a good post; quit trying to give DT life advice, I don’t want to read about unicorn puppy rainbows. I came here for the motherfucking dark-side man.

      • Anonymous February 3, 2013 at 11:34 pm #

        ok, you’re right.
        but there is so much for him to enjoy once he realizes that ALL of LA is unemployed–and he’s been missing that scene for so long. Nobody gives a fuck.

      • Anonymous February 4, 2013 at 10:18 am #

        DT is 37, that’s a bit too old for being unemployed.

  2. TFU February 3, 2013 at 9:15 pm #

    Getting this question constantly as a soon-to-be college grad. What are you going to do after you graduate? Children, against their will, what about you?

  3. Little Miss S February 3, 2013 at 11:34 pm #

    Why do you even need to tell them the truth? Just keep saying you work at your old job…who’s gonna know? Um, unless they read this, which I imagine they will have if you met them on OK Cupid. But some random chick you pick up at a bar, you can just keep telling her about your old job.

  4. Little Miss S February 3, 2013 at 11:36 pm #

    Or just say you’re on funemployment and you’re freelancing.

  5. Raymond Duke February 4, 2013 at 1:34 pm #

    Writing is at the core of all things that make money; think about it. I mean, really, think about it. That’s my two cents, which is more than you will make if I click on an ad.

  6. vsoze February 4, 2013 at 6:54 pm #

    Be a writer, but make sure you don’t know or hang out with any others…

    “I disliked them all immediately, sitting around acting clever and superior. They nullified each other. The worst thing for a writer is to know another writer, and worse than that, to know a number of other writers. Like flies on the same turd.”-Bukowski

    • Nikol February 4, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

      That’s from my favorite Buk novel.

  7. Anonymous February 5, 2013 at 3:24 am #

    Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.

    sweet

    • Anonymous February 5, 2013 at 9:45 am #

      Stfu.

    • Ook Ook February 6, 2013 at 7:05 pm #

      Dude didn’t make any money writing that shit. And he had to fuck that juiced up whore Maude Gonne. Have you seen the jaw on her?

  8. TempestTcup February 5, 2013 at 12:49 pm #

    What do I do?

    As little as possible…

  9. sylviasarah February 5, 2013 at 2:31 pm #

    Have you started walking around with 5 o’clock shadow because razors cost a lot and anyway, screw the man? Or sunglasses on all the time because you’re always high or hungover from last night? Keep saying bro and talking about how life is full of twists and turns and you want to make your own path and how you don’t care if you have to live on the streets and eat food out of garbage because it’s all you need is a pen and paper. And some aspirin for the hangover and hand cramps.

    • sylviasarah February 5, 2013 at 2:32 pm #

      Or school. Next term. It’s too late.

    • Justin February 6, 2013 at 10:21 am #

      Actually, I’ve heard that one way to save money on razors is to keep the razor submerged in baby-oil. Apparently the moisturizing strip doesn’t ever wearnoff and the razor lasts a really long time. Thanks Reddit.

      • sylviasarah February 6, 2013 at 8:29 pm #

        I heard if you dry them off each time you use them it increases the wear. But anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, eff you I’m not buying your awesome but expensive four blades of hair doom.

  10. virglekent February 6, 2013 at 12:08 pm #

    This might sound crazy but have you thought about writing an E book yet? You obviously have a writer’s talent and you’re one of the best I’ve come across, in fact we need to talk some shop and I need to get you over at NLU for a project if you’re interested.

    • delicioustacos February 6, 2013 at 4:04 pm #

      Thanks man! Just emailed you via the NLU contact form.

      • aneroidocean February 6, 2013 at 5:05 pm #

        You are fucking talented. That’s what you should be telling yourself and believing, because it’s damn true. But guess what, talent won’t get you shit on it’s own, you need determination.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Reader Mailbag: Career Advice | delicioustacos - August 10, 2013

    […] have to try to “succeed.” We all gotta eat. But more importantly, we all have to answer “what do you do.” So you will work and work and work and crush the best parts of your body, mind and soul for a […]

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