Valentine’s Day Journal: A Sucker for Romance

15 Feb

As you might have expected, I had a cocaine-fueled orgy.  That was my candy hearts and flowers.  The phrase “cocaine-fueled orgy” is actually stupid because of course cocaine does the opposite of fuel you.  It’s building the god damn pyramids to pop wood and by the time you do you just want to do another bump and talk more shit.  Still, it gets the girls in your house.

The girls were 69′ing on my carpet and I was sort of loitering on the edges trying to get my dick in an open mouth.  The problem with women is they get too into one another.  Eventually you’re just jerking off and spectating.  But there are worse things to watch.  Better to see a Peruvian chick squatting on a hipster girl’s face than Law and Order reruns or some shit.

(PIC REMOVED BY REQUEST)

There was another dude, too, and I remember, drunk as I was, being distracted by his scrotum.  There is no way to not study another man’s genitals.  I’m 36 years old and I still think: oh, look, everyone has that one weird vein.  It’s not just me. He did not have a giant wang, and I remember thinking: thank God.  I figured it would be just my luck, the other dude would be sporting an arm-sized anaconda.  But our wangs were comparable.

I took the Peruvian chick into my room and fucked her forever.  I couldn’t nut but I could get hard.  Another case of things going better than expected.  I still haven’t cum.  I’m scared to now.  Like when you drop one beer out of a six pack and it rolls down the stairs.  It’s sitting in your fridge like a time bomb, but, when you’ve drunk those other five, you gotta take your foot off the landmine.  I’m gonna jerk off into the sink and hold my hand in front of my dickhole so I don’t jizz on the mirror.  It will make a smacking sound audible in other states.  There’s a chance of ricochet.  They should lock down the schools.  I will go door to door telling my neighbors to stay in their homes, crouch in the basement if you have one.  Otherwise stand under the most structurally sound point you can find.

I was supposed to do a bunch of shit today but I was just so fucking wrecked.  I woke up at 1pm.  I could barely bring myself to take a piss.  Good.  This kind of shit is what unemployment is for.  Drinking a fifth of generic brandy and about eighteen beers on a school night, blowing a shitty gram and getting rug burns from kneeling down to dangle your sac into a chick’s mouth while you grind your coke-flaccid meatpipe on another girl’s musky cunt.  This is how to use an economic downturn to one’s advantage.

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15 Responses to “Valentine’s Day Journal: A Sucker for Romance”

  1. Dr. Illusion February 15, 2013 at 6:51 pm #

    Well said. I love cocaine but I always get horny mentally and cannot back it up physically. Sbit happens. We had a bonfire, ate steak, drank and fucked. Not quite as fun as your V day but a good time. What does coke go for out there? I pay around 160 an 8 ball here.

  2. Anonymous February 15, 2013 at 9:08 pm #

    Be grateful for once in your life, you little shit. Jesus christ, you are living the dream and you want sympathy? Fuck you.

    • flyingfuck February 15, 2013 at 10:11 pm #

      U MAD?

  3. Little Miss S February 15, 2013 at 10:42 pm #

    But where was Nikol???

    • Nikol February 16, 2013 at 4:29 pm #

      Hmmmmm

  4. Stephen February 16, 2013 at 12:01 pm #

    How the fuck do you survive in LA on unemployment?

    • Jordan February 18, 2013 at 12:27 am #

      Easy, be smart or be a minority. Either way, the state will give you whatever you want.

  5. Anonymous February 16, 2013 at 3:02 pm #

    no wonder you wanted me to come over. you were a baby in the dumpster post coke n pussy, huh? well–i was tired and i have to work.

  6. Anonymous February 17, 2013 at 10:32 am #

    I suspect these bitches weren’t much to look at, or DT would have made a point to describe them more in detail..

    • sylviasarah February 17, 2013 at 12:20 pm #

      Too true, bro. But like they say in Germany, holes have no faces.

  7. Anonymous April 11, 2013 at 7:55 am #

    #redribbon #spielbergsgirth #todo

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. lacking vices - cedonulli | cedonulli - February 16, 2013

    [...] probably, i’m not trying hard enough.  unlike DT, no coke fueled orgies here.  i’m digging, but so far all that’s totally eluding [...]

  2. Reader Mailbag: Do You Get Laid, Or Do You Not Get Laid, Or What? | delicioustacos - March 15, 2013

    [...] why there are so many bitter diaries talking about how I’m never gonna get laid, and then fuck stories from that same evening. Valentine’s, New Years, Fourth of July, Halloween, were all like [...]

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