Television Review: Girls

18 Feb

Lena Dunham & Vena Cava

I got a legal notice in the mail from Home Box Office Inc., a division of Time Warner International.  As a jerkoff with a web site nobody reads, I am required by law to discuss their television show Girls, broadcast on Sunday nights.  I hadn’t seen it.  But I’d read about it.  Girls Girls Girls all the god damn time, feminist sites, the Man-O-Sphere, the New York Motherfucking Times.  Nothing is happening on this planet except Girls.  We got a show now where losers get drunk and fuck, just like you.  How are you not watching.

It’s racist because there are no black people, said the left.  It’s bullshit because no one would fuck a fat chick, said the antifeminists.  It sucks because everybody in it is somebody famous’ daughter, said people who think that photographing dioramas of fucking Barbies makes you Brad Pitt.  Or that anyone remembers who the drummer from Bad Company was, or had even noticed they had drumming.  You remember that one song they had about cowboys or some shit.  Man, the snare in that.  That one time he hit the high hat.  Chills.  

But it’s also honest and raw and real, etc.  So it’s either a revelatory pearl of mind-shattering dramatic truth or the most self indulgent hunk of shit the world has ever seen and has set the civil rights movement back 50 years.

In reality, it’s a trifle.  It’s nothing.  The episodes feel seven minutes long and you don’t laugh.  But you do raise an eyebrow when you see women actually behaving on TV the way any man who has ever had intercourse knows they behave.  The Girls fuck assholes who are famous or who stick out in some other obnoxious way, just like real life.  And this is revelatory, for television, but only because television is generally so out of touch with the truth.  You see a hint of it and you’re stunned.

She did coke in the one I saw.  She did coke and then showed her tits.  I’m told she shows tits every episode. People are upset by it. In fact, a gentleman I was watching with was vocally appalled that she would show her disgusting naked body.  Well, I would plug Lena Dunham’s spicy smelling twat for hours and hours and hours, and I think her little taco titties are cute as fuck.  People need to understand that the hottest fucks in the world are people on the borders of your “would you” range.  The chubby 6’s, if you believe in describing people as numbers.  Lena Dunham looks like the girl you pick up at an afterhours club when the girl you were hoping to get with went home, and you have 48 hours of filthy gutter sex where you’re asking if she’s on the pill and she says no and you say good, I’m gonna give you a baby to this stranger whose name you don’t remember, and it makes her cum.  Lena Dunham is a girl you roll around with in sweaty hangovers for days and she pisses with the door open and it gives you a weird hard on.  Her panties are a little bigger than the rest of the ones in your jack drawer but they’re still the first ones you reach for and sniff when you’re beating the meat on that six hour coke comedown.  Put that quote between some laurels and print it on the DVD box.

She got a deal for an ebook, from some establishment type.  The joke is it will never amount to anything, I guess.  No one’s really gonna give you any money for your stupid writing, is what Rod Serling should have walked into frame and said directly to me personally.  You’re supposed to laugh because you feel superior to Hannah Horvath, but I am precisely as stupid as Hannah Horvath.

There was another episode I missed, where she fucks Patrick Wilson, who’s playing a doctor.  I’m going to assume it’s the same doctor character from his cancelled CBS show where he helps poor people by communicating with his wife’s ghost.  He got so sick of his wife’s moralistic needling from beyond the grave that he decided to make her watch while he sprayed a load on a chubby girl’s taco tits.  If that’s not the case, don’t tell me.  My version is better.  But also: people bitched because a model-handsome doctor would never fuck someone who looked like her and blah blah blah.  Let me tip you off to something: when a 23 year old girl says “wanna fuck, ” all men everywhere say yes, you idiot.

Meanwhile another character, a guy, went with Hannah’s crazy ex boyfriend to return a lost dog in Staten Island and also had to grapple with the fact that he’s an aging loser with no plan in life.  I was at Astrid’s watching this; it was my birthday party the night before and I had drunk about thirty alcoholic beverages and taken cocaine, morphine, hydrocodone and ritalin.  The guy was about to weep at what a shambles his life was in, at 33 with a shit job.  I am 37 with no job. They left him on the shore of Staten Island looking out at the water like 400 Blows, seeing boats against the current borne back ceaselessly into the past.  All this waste, all this chasing trivial shit– you are throwing yourself away and some day it will destroy you, they were saying.  And they meant it, it wasn’t some tongue in cheek jerkoff. The music swelled and that’s when it hit me: the drugs were wearing off and I could finally get hard and fuck Astrid again.  I turned off the TV.

In conclusion: three and a half stars.

48 Responses to “Television Review: Girls”

  1. Arred Wade February 18, 2013 at 4:07 pm #

    Whoa, I was sick yesterday and all I did was watch Season 2 of Girls and 400 Blows.

    I think it’s a bigger feat to depict women the way they are in real life than you give it credit for — especially if it’s a woman writing. She’s more honest about her own self-delusions and shortcomings than any other artist I can think of at the moment. She’s also brutally honest about how 20-something guys come off in real life, which is probably 90% of the reason anyone actually hates it.

  2. Nikol February 18, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

    http://poponthepop.com/gallery/lena-dunham-fat/

    Yuck. Just yuck.

    • vsoze February 18, 2013 at 6:58 pm #

      Don’t be jealous now, Nikol.

      • Nikol February 18, 2013 at 7:13 pm #

        Why is it that any time a chick finds another chick unattractive, she’s jealous?

      • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 10:19 am #

        Because jealousy is the only emotion women understand.

      • Nikol February 19, 2013 at 12:35 pm #

        You know, it is something akin to jealousy. DT, you have written some posts about how much you hate it that some guy can get hot pussy because he’s in a band, and how much you hate those guys and you hate women for fucking them. When I see a total fucking fat, chipmunk-faced hag like Lena getting quality dick, I feel like the universe is slighting me. But then I go back to eating Cheese-Its and wiping my fingers on my sweat pants and get over it.

  3. Anonymous February 18, 2013 at 5:19 pm #

    Bodies change. People change. Artists change. Real life is mostly UN-real.
    Television is just another fossils for finding in the future.

  4. sylviasarah February 18, 2013 at 5:47 pm #

    I remember seeing her on the awards thing and thinking she had small boobs but I didn’t know what Girls was. She doesn’t have as small boobs as may appear with clothes on.

    The end.

  5. vsoze February 18, 2013 at 6:57 pm #

    Brilliant review friend.

    Great birthday concoction as well.

    Well done all around.

  6. DT Fan #one million February 18, 2013 at 7:33 pm #

    At first I was with heartiste on the whole a-man-of-Patrick-Wilson’s-looks-would-never-bone-someone-with-Lena-Dunham’s-looks, but then realized that in that episode reality is…irrelevant. That episode was a chubby woman’s fantasy. There are all sorts of equivalent fantasies for men on the show: Marnie kissing the fat wedding officiator; the whiny banker actually having Jessa call him back; that short, insouciant prick — whoops I mean famous artist — fucking Marnie and not giving a fuck. Let the women of Lena Dunham’s looks have their fantasies.

    • Little Miss S February 18, 2013 at 9:47 pm #

      Huh?? Good looking men bone chubby chicks (or worse) all the time. If its just for sex, even the best looking, most successful guy won’t turn down an easy opportunity. Even DT knows that, and apparently has done it.

    • sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 7:29 am #

      I’m pretty fat but I’ve been known to get my fair share of crazy good looking guys. Them hitting on me. I hope you’ll stop yourself from going into detail about how they might have been really drunk or something, because they were sober and I wasn’t necessarily the only option at the time. So, when you say fantasy, it actually happens. Sorry, bro.

      • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 10:22 am #

        Stop trying to validate yourself sylviasarah. Just because a man hits on you means nothing. How many of those “crazy good looking guys” are trying to actually make you their girlfriend?

      • sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 10:34 am #

        No one is trying to validate themselves. I’m trying to prove the point wrong, that fat chicks would never get hit on by or be able to “bone” a hot guy. Don’t try to change the basis of the argument, no one said anything about boyfriends and girlfriends. But since you asked (and since you will continue to think I’m trying to validate myself I may as well actually do it) I will tell you that there have been a few ridiculously hot guys who have wanted to make me their girlfriend. Men are obviously desperate.

        You know, now that everyone knows I’m trying to validate myself, I feel like mentioning that I’ve turned some down! I feel so good about myself now. Thanks :)

        That was sarcastic. I never feel good about turning someone down.

      • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 11:24 am #

        for fuck’s sake, no one believes you. there are no hot guys kicking down your door despite what you say. none are trying to make you their girlfriend. your comments and picture on this blog say it all, stop trying to project otherwise as it’s beyond pathetic.

      • sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 11:29 am #

        :) Luckily, I don’t need you to believe me, though I’m sure you do since you’re trying to make it so clear to everyone else that it’s completely impossible that a hot guy could want a fat chick as a girlfriend. I understand for you it might be like how some straight guys get really defensive around gay guys because they’re afraid the gay guy might hit on them, or worse, that they might like it. It’s okay, I’m not going to hit on you. I’m assuming you’re hot, obviously I have more confidence in my looks than I should but I am at least willing to show my face when I’m spatting out my own version of the truth, which is more than I can say for you.

      • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 11:27 am #

        can’t stand when fat, ugly chicks with no brains try to present themselves as otherwise. just give it up. OR, fucking LOSE SOME WEIGHT YOU DISGUSTING FAT FUCK. jeez, instead of taking so much time trying to defend yourself on this blog and go on a diet. all the stupid, melodramatic shit you think about endlessly would be mitigated just by exhibited a fucking iota of self-control, you cheesecake-nut.

      • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 11:31 am #

        lol it’s clear you need me and everyone to believe you, or you wouldn’t try so hard to respond to a stranger on the internet. you fat fuck.

      • sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 11:41 am #

        Right, and that’s why I’m the one who’s so obviously frustrated. Just face it bro, some men are interested in fat chicks. Some men are actually only interested in really fat chicks, like the kinds that are so fat it’s like, ‘How do they even get around to be able to get food to be so fat?’ Yeah. Whole conventions exist for the sole purpose of uniting men with fatties. Some of those men are hot. Craigslist. Craigslist men love them some fatties. All over the US. Even in LA! I think there is even a difference between big beautiful women and supersized beautiful women. Crazy, right?

        Obviously I’m okay with being a fat fuck, because I can still get laid whenever I want. I don’t have to work out, I can eat disgusting piles of food and walk around with clothes that are too small, not shave and still get fucked. Of course, my world doesn’t revolve around sex so I’m saving a lot of would-be fatty-screwers a lot of self-doubt. I’m sorry that all men don’t agree with you on this point. I would probably have to lose weight if I ever did want to settle down but those damned fatty lovers ruin it for everyone :(

      • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

        Didn’t even read that wall of self-defense text. All that effort just to avoid going on a diet and running a few miles. :(
        I’m trying to SAVE you, you fat fuck.

      • sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 8:19 pm #

        Whatever you say. You read it and had no defense. My saying I put in very little effort and your assertion that my “wall of self-defense text” being so much effort? Coincidence? I’m sure…not! Not joke. It’s a ‘not’ joke.

        Anyway, any time you’re ready to admit fatties can get fucked by hot guys, we can finish this. You totally changed the subject and while I do like to talk about myself, the first issue has not yet been resolved. :)

      • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 9:19 pm #

        Nope, didn’t read it. You write terribly so I avoid your long passages. Either way, all I can tell is thay your gonna justify being a fat lazy pig by convincing yourself you’re desirable.. lmfao.

      • sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 9:21 pm #

        Either way, you’re still wrong about fatties not getting laid so, I guess we’ll call that your concession. It’s been nice doing business with you :) Notice how I don’t have to personally attack anyone to prove my points. Interesting how that works sometimes.

      • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 9:22 pm #

        There’s a difference between attacking and stating the obvious, sweetcheeks.

      • sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 9:26 pm #

        Right, like the obvious truth that fatties get laid by hot guys. So, you know, just bow down and accept it. You made a false statement.

      • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 9:29 pm #

        lol that was never the point. that’s just the point you cling onto to make yourself feel better and avoid actually exercising, you blimpy-fuck.

      • sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 9:37 pm #

        That actually was the only point. So, since you’re just going to keep going in circles in some attempt at putting a fatty/woman in her place, you are obviously a sore loser. But it’s okay, I’ll let you pretend you win.

        Oh, I’m so sad. I’m such a sad little fatty watty, I’m going to the gym right now and I’m not leaving until I’ve made anonymous (a man of obvious distinction and great looks) proud of me and maybe he’ll let me give him a bj if I apologize. Imagine all that with said a pouty face. Now you don’t have to be such a sore loser :)

        That’s what might have happened had you a valid argument but when you start out with a false assertion, you’re never going to have a valid argument. It’s been fun, bro :)

      • Anonymous February 20, 2013 at 1:55 am #

        um no, moron, MY point was that the only thing a fatass like you can get out of a “hot” guy is a fuck. but go ahead and defend your lifestyle as a fatass and “win” whatever argument you propose is happening here.
        you go overboard in your attempt to come across as unaffected. sorry, I’m just playing around on the internetz to troll and picked up upon the fact that you’re a lonely fat loser. you take it way too seriously based on how much effort you put into responding.

      • Hooch February 20, 2013 at 8:29 am #

        Dude, give it up. She’s disgusting, fat and proud!

  7. Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 4:42 am #

    I wish she would stop getting naked and having sex with good looking guys. It makes fat chicks think that they shouldn’t fuck fat guys like me.

    • sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 7:30 am #

      It’s the reality that it’s possible. And it probably has nothing to do with you being fat. Unless you’re in LA, which is starting to seem to me like the Jersey Shore.

  8. Cakes and Shakes... February 19, 2013 at 7:44 am #

    This hasn’t convinced me to start watching it but I did appreciate your insight into the irony that it’s controversial because it depicts typical white women letting it all hang out there instead of McBarbie clones. I still think Lena whatserface looks like a grubby hipster who doesn’t shave. I really dislike how she looks in general, it depresses me. I dislike her arms the most, I find them really flabby. Although, let’s face it, depicting thin, attractive people on tv has definitely not filtered down to audiences. Perhaps by showing chubby average girls, audiences will rebel by becoming increasingly thin and attractive. Put ugly fat girls on catwalks and in Vogue and instead of finally feeling represented we’ll be horrified and hurry to the plastic surgeon’s.

  9. Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 10:24 am #

    DT fails to elucidate the one major point here. Men may fuck anything, even crazy fat chicks, but that doesn’t mean men want anything more than that, ever, from those fat chicks once the one-time fucking is done.

    • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 10:25 am #

      Seriously fatties, drop that fucking doughnut and pick up that dumbbell. Sheesh.

      • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 11:30 am #

        I hope that’s directed at sylviasarah, cause it’s a blessing in disguise if she takes that mantra to heart. but of course, she won’t, she’ll convince herself that hot guys want her because they glance in her general direction.

      • sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 11:55 am #

        Actually, I’m convinced they want to have sex with me because they tell me they want to have sex with me. So, if anything I should keep picking up the donut because who knows? Maybe no one would want to screw me if I lost weight. For people so concerned with getting laid and nothing else it really surprises me that you wouldn’t be applauding this lack of effort. But, there are people in the world who don’t have to do anything to get laid and you aren’t one of them. I get it, and I’m sorry. It’s a cruel place.

      • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

        Sorry, but you getting laid whenever you want to means nothing since men will fuck anything thag moves. Unfortunately, you’re alone. You cannot get what you want and you project that loud and clear. Just supplant “sex” with “love” and you’ll get the idea you moon faced bucket of chub.

      • sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 8:25 pm #

        Hey, I’m not debating that point. I’m just saying, hot guys fuck fatties. Thanks for agreeing :)

      • Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 9:21 pm #

        Lol whatever you have to tell yourself to keep eating those doughnuts. I’m sure your blog is all about how happy you are with all the hot guys professing their love for your thick, blubbery folds of cheesy flesh. Sigh.

      • sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 9:46 pm #

        Actually, that’s one point I don’t understand. DT’s blog is about how he gets laid and is unhappy yet you make a comment that assumes getting laid leads to happiness. You know what makes you happy? Liking yourself despite random anonymouses who know nothing about you. I feel peace every day, that’s what makes me happy.

        But if my happiness was tied to getting laid, I have no doubt I would still be as happy.

      • Anonymous February 20, 2013 at 1:57 am #

        fuck , your writing is godawful.

    • Little Miss S February 19, 2013 at 7:08 pm #

      I agree with you about this: sex is one thing, relationships are another. Granted, I do see a lot of couples in LA where the man is hot and the woman, while pretty or whatever, is overweight…BUT you can bet that they got together back when she was thin, and they either have kds together or now that he knows her he really loves her, etc. Some reason that he stays. But it’s doubtful he’d have given her a second look if she’d been fat when they first met.

      • Little Miss S February 19, 2013 at 7:09 pm #

        *kids

      • swish February 19, 2013 at 8:11 pm #

        Yup, they got together when she was thin and then she got fat later. Happens all the time. He’ll leave her soon enough if they don’t have kids. And if they do, he’ll stick around for awhile and cheat and then leave when the kids are teenagers or whatever. Either way, the chick will probably lose weight after the relationship.. this always fucking happens.

  10. Anonymous February 19, 2013 at 3:36 pm #

    Ahh, just googled Lena Dunham. She went to Oberlin. That explains a lot, i.e., she probably doesn’t give a fuck about her sub-par looks. Her ugliness is not stopping her. Good for her I say.

  11. jimmy conway February 21, 2013 at 3:02 pm #

    Dunham’s movie “Tiny Furniture” was much more realistic.

    *spoiler alert*

    She meets a hot, high value guy. Tries to date him, but he stands her up. Finally, runs into him at a party. He leaves with her, fucks her in a metal tube in the street, cums in about 15 seconds, then walks her halfway home, shoving her behind a car when he thinks he sees someone he knows.

  12. Anonymous April 11, 2013 at 7:59 am #

    #spielbergstoiletpaper #spielbergsmushroomcap13candlesandaboxoftrojans

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