Birthday State of the Union

19 Feb

cake

It’s too cold and the heater doesn’t work.  There’s just shit everywhere, junk mail.  The phone keeps vibrating.  There are people I need to get back to but I forget what it was even about.  Money or fucking.  There’s money I’m not going to get and fucking I’m not going to do.  There’s the letter from California Unemployment that looked like it was gonna be a check but is just telling you to register for CALJOBS, their online resume program that doesn’t let you use punctuation.  Some of my skills require parentheticals.  But who cares, no one’s looking.

The fish tank is dirty.  I am an abusive pet owner.  Still, these Julidochromis Regani are pretty fuckin tough.  Tank bred fish, not these hothouse flowers straight out of Lake Tanganyika.  Fuck your dirty water, pussy, they say.  Go ahead and piss in the tank, I’ll laugh at it.  When I have a kid he’ll probably choke on a bottle cap or something.  Drink Drano.  I’ll be distracted jerking off.

I want to make chicken but I don’t want to wash the pan required to make chicken.  I want to jerk off but it’s too cold to take out my dick.  I have no fucking idea if there will be rent money in my bank account.  I haven’t been keeping track.  Typing the “ba” and having firefox autocomplete “–nkofamerica.com” is too much labor.  Plus, I don’t want to know.  Bankofamerica.com is just gonna be a big screen that says yeah, you bought cocaine with your last sixty bucks, you fucking idiot; hope you like camping. Now cough up our fucking fees.

There’s a helicopter circling.  My bed smells like piss.  I broke my tongue with drugs and now everything tastes like bananas.

On the plus side, my mom made cupcakes.

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12 Responses to “Birthday State of the Union”

  1. aneroidocean February 19, 2013 at 4:56 pm #

    mint.com, I highly recommend it. Shorter URL too.

  2. emily February 19, 2013 at 5:45 pm #

    happy birthday!

  3. Little Miss S February 19, 2013 at 7:16 pm #

    They won’t send you a check, it will be a plastic BofA debit card that they’ll load up every two weeks when you submit your claim. You can arrange to have the balance from the card transferred to your own bank account, though. Everything EDD does is a red-tape pain in the ass.

  4. Little Miss S February 19, 2013 at 7:20 pm #

    Oh and CALJOBS is a joke, you’ll never get anyone legit viewing your résumé on there anyway so don’t worry about how it looks. BUT make sure to log in every so often and change up a word or two in your résumé so it registers that you’ve “updated” it, because that’s another one of their stupid rules, even if you have nothing to update it with.

  5. sylviasarah February 19, 2013 at 8:33 pm #

    Oh, crap…Happy Birthday :D

    • Anonymous February 21, 2013 at 3:58 pm #

      Stop trying to pull insider knowledge, DT obviously thinks you’re an unnattractive freak or he woulda fucked you.

      • Elena February 21, 2013 at 3:59 pm #

        Lol did you even read the blog? It’s about his fucking birthday.

      • Anonymous February 21, 2013 at 4:04 pm #

        lol, I stand corrected, comment police.
        Call it a knee-jerk reaction to an intolerable personality.

      • sylviasarah February 21, 2013 at 5:00 pm #

        Apology accepted, but you’re likely right. DT is not dtf me. I need a wambulance.

  6. Zero February 20, 2013 at 5:27 am #

    You are PATHETIC! I read this blog everyday as an inspiration to NOT be like you, sir! Good day, sir!

  7. Anonymous April 11, 2013 at 8:01 am #

    #dickholes #dickscrapes #dickblood

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Birthday 2014 | delicioustacos - February 19, 2014

    […] Previously: 2012, 2013 […]

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