You get scared when you leave a white collar job that you’re gonna end up picking up trash. Well, not to worry. You can’t get that job. It’s a union gig. A city gig. You get scared that you’re gonna get trapped in some soul-crushing civil service shit for years like Bukowski. But you can’t get a job at the post office. They’re cutting back. You have to know somebody. You can’t get a job flipping burgers. You’re overqualified (in my case, this is true). You can’t do shit labor on a construction site. Half of Mexico is up here trying to do that.
So what can you do. You can get a job in a STEM field, they tell you. If only you had gotten your degree in a STEM field, you would be in great demand. Science, technology, engineering, mathematics. A computer programmer, in other words. Do you know how fucking hard that shit is? I could barely pass my intro to C++ class, and I’m smart. Your ability to do that shit is purely genetic, and it’s the same gene that makes you smell like cheese and talk like that pedophile’s RealDoll from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Hearing that little pussy talk makes me think we need more bullying in schools. There is no talented computer programmer on the face of this earth who can buy a six pack at the liquor store and make small talk with the clerk normally. There certainly isn’t one who can speak to a woman.
The oil boom. That’s the place, they tell you. One hundred thousand dollars per year to live in a dorm in North Dakota and sweep up steel shavings or some shit. They need welders, they need engineers. I am a massive pussy and clumsy as fuck; if I were anywhere near one of those giant grinding fire belching machines I would get sucked in and pureed on my first day. I would make some smartass comment and an ex convict with a third grade education would beat me within an inch of my life. I would go crazy from lack of pussy and torch the whole operation. That shit is the fucking fires of hell, man. Still, there are jobs out there. Negative twenty degrees and the air is like sucking a diesel truck’s tailpipe, but it’s a living.
I hate immigrants now. Because I think things would be so great without them– it could me making eight dollars an hour to toss goat carcasses into a giant blender at the cat food factory. They do the jobs nobody wants, people say. Well of course that’s bullshit, but then, I go to their country and pay ten bucks to fuck their daughters. Turnabout is fair play.
There’s nothing out there but then again I haven’t looked. I’m waiting for my State of California jobs pamphlet to show up. See what jobs the government thinks are appropriate for someone of my skill set. Tossing goat carcasses in the blender most likely. Fine. Someone’s gotta do it. But seriously, I kind of want to take a day job out of the State of California jobs pamphlet just to see what fucking happens. Who on Earth turns to the state of California to fulfill their staffing needs in this, the most management-friendly labor market in the history of the First World. The country is a Home Depot parking lot and we’re all flannel-clad Mesoamericans with third grade educations and ringworm. We are all clamoring to jump into some white man’s UHaul, possibly to be hunted for sport. All we want is enough for tall boy of Tecate and a bag of tortillas. Maybe one of those weird foam cups with the colored salt on the rim. And still, that’s too much of a dream. Lawyers can’t get jobs. Doctors have to see two hundred patients a day. Porn stars can barely suck dick for money; they gotta do the hardcore paywall shit like have a speculum stuck in their ass. There is only one way to make money and that is to inherit it, or push it around for people who inherited it. Eighty hours a week squinting at spreadsheets, looking for a way to make eight one hundredths of a cent every time some prince’s firm in Dubai cuts back on a steel order from Poland.
I would propose some social change, but it would all boil down to: just give me some money. Redistribution. Just take money from rich people and give it to poor people. They have a word for that, they tell you: Communism. Why not take your absurd share of the world’s GDP and give it to some kid in Africa then. I don’t know, but fuck them. Let them eat hyenas. I just want to get paid a living wage to jerk off and play Xbox. I don’t see why that’s too much to ask.