The Internet Is Evil

26 Feb

midget mask

I have sixteen free hours per day to cure cancer, travel the world, find my soul mate, write something that changes someone’s life or at least makes someone feel less alone for two minutes.  Instead I’m looking at fucking Gawker and Jezebel.  Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer has done something that made people angry.  Also she is good looking.  Some TV show is racist.  Someone on Reddit’s cat did something and it’s been viewed ten billion times, and now it’s on Gawker and people are trying to be clever about it.  Behind me is a shelf piled with the great books of western literature; on top of the Works of Plato is a butterknife and when I moved it there was a butterknife-shaped clean spot in the dust.  Some guy who got out of prison doesn’t know how to read; you can go to the L.A. public library and sit down with him and teach him. You could save his entire fucking future and that of his children and think of the stories he would tell you.  A sign told me about this adult literacy volunteer program when I went to the library two weeks ago and checked out the collected short stories of William Faulkner, which I haven’t cracked.  I thought about volunteering for a second.  Now would be the time do do something like this.  Nah.

I have jerked off to so much weird shit that I have moved on to midgets.  I spent a non-negligible part of yesterday beating off to a performer named “Midget Melissa” out of Brazil.  She is superior to Bridget the Midget, Twidget the Midget, and Horny Midget Anna, but she must make unbelievably stupid sounds because every single video has cheerful tropical music pumped up over the performers’ moans.  I have jerked my way through the entire western porn canon instead of learning my way through the entire western literary canon.

This is your jetpack.  This is your flying car.  The sum total of all human labor made machines that could think and they are used to put an ad on Facebook offering Single Christian Women Over 50.  I smugly tell people my TV isn’t connected to anything.  I spend three hours per day watching Denny’s fights on Youtube.  I refresh my Twitter feed in the faint hope that Patton Oswalt retweeted my fat Art Garfunkel joke.  I refresh my page views in hopes that my story about tea bagging a drunk woman has been posted on a popular person’s Tumblr.  I refresh my OKCupid messages to see if I’ve got a phone number I will never call because I’ve jerked off so many times I have no interest in dating.

Well fuck this.  I’m taking a break.  I’m getting off the internet so I can live more and write more shit and then put it on the internet.  You should too.  Don’t stop coming to this site though.  Tell your friends and refresh constantly.

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9 Responses to “The Internet Is Evil”

  1. aneroidocean February 26, 2013 at 7:15 pm #

    Is it the internet or is it people’s penchant for sloth?

    • Anonymous February 26, 2013 at 7:34 pm #

      Is it the atomic bomb or are people evil. Why leave comments like that.

      • aneroidocean February 27, 2013 at 12:48 pm #

        With little exception, every adult in the US has access and direct control over their use of the internet. In comparison, no adult in the US (effectively) has direct control of the use of an atomic bomb.

        Total strawman argument. Does it make you feel better to waste people’s time on the internet with your condescending comments?

  2. The Quest For 50 February 26, 2013 at 11:10 pm #

    Dude, sometimes your writing hits upon something so honest it makes me want to cry. I hope archaeologists in 10,000 years find your blog and analyze it as the primary artifact of our civilization’s great decline.

  3. jakebishop244e February 27, 2013 at 6:49 am #

    spent the morning at a coffee shop across the street from the beach. crystal clear, almost painfully blue ocean, palm trees, my strawberry shake, laptop. then a quick trip to the $7-a-month-gym for a workout, off to the spring roll rolling lady for a pile of spring rolls for a buck. then had to go find the black market u.s. dollar buying place to get some real currency. for all that hard work, a smoothie at the 22 year old asian girlfriends’ work place. then some swimming in the ocean, followed by more coffee shop time.

    would sound like a dream. till you do it 30 days in a row.

    what i wouldn’t give for a night of a coke binge, an acid binge, a whole lot of mdma, a bunch of slutty whores. no matter what you do, or don’t do, once it’s routine, it’s completely fucking lame.

    volunteering would be lame, too. people don’t need to be saved. just keep writing stuffs.

  4. dressyarson February 28, 2013 at 2:25 pm #

    Actually, if you want to see where our jetpacks and flying cars are, go look outside. Look at the giant slabs of concrete and asphalt you’re forced to subsidize so that vehicles based on century-old technology can roll around on them. (If you’re paying rent, you are paying property taxes.) In an economy in which people have a choice where to direct their own resources for transportation, newer technologies, such as private aircraft would become more common (provided the state did not also restrict airspace from use, which it currently does). Telecommuting would probably be a lot more common–used wherever possible–without state subsidization of roads. In fact, the “work day” as we know it would likely not exist.

    • What fucking fantasy land Libertarian blog did you read that shit on? If it wasn’t for the government we’d all be flying around in our own private planes. You’d just hop in your cessna and take off for work, without having to worry about all the byzantine bureaucracies like the FAA. Air traffic control? Who needs that shit. All it does is slow flights down, anyway.

  5. S March 3, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

    Long time reader, first time commenter. Great blog, dude.

    I’m interested in this prison literacy thing you’ve mentioned. Is there a website for this program?

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