I have sixteen free hours per day to cure cancer, travel the world, find my soul mate, write something that changes someone’s life or at least makes someone feel less alone for two minutes. Instead I’m looking at fucking Gawker and Jezebel. Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer has done something that made people angry. Also she is good looking. Some TV show is racist. Someone on Reddit’s cat did something and it’s been viewed ten billion times, and now it’s on Gawker and people are trying to be clever about it. Behind me is a shelf piled with the great books of western literature; on top of the Works of Plato is a butterknife and when I moved it there was a butterknife-shaped clean spot in the dust. Some guy who got out of prison doesn’t know how to read; you can go to the L.A. public library and sit down with him and teach him. You could save his entire fucking future and that of his children and think of the stories he would tell you. A sign told me about this adult literacy volunteer program when I went to the library two weeks ago and checked out the collected short stories of William Faulkner, which I haven’t cracked. I thought about volunteering for a second. Now would be the time do do something like this. Nah.
I have jerked off to so much weird shit that I have moved on to midgets. I spent a non-negligible part of yesterday beating off to a performer named “Midget Melissa” out of Brazil. She is superior to Bridget the Midget, Twidget the Midget, and Horny Midget Anna, but she must make unbelievably stupid sounds because every single video has cheerful tropical music pumped up over the performers’ moans. I have jerked my way through the entire western porn canon instead of learning my way through the entire western literary canon.
This is your jetpack. This is your flying car. The sum total of all human labor made machines that could think and they are used to put an ad on Facebook offering Single Christian Women Over 50. I smugly tell people my TV isn’t connected to anything. I spend three hours per day watching Denny’s fights on Youtube. I refresh my Twitter feed in the faint hope that Patton Oswalt retweeted my fat Art Garfunkel joke. I refresh my page views in hopes that my story about tea bagging a drunk woman has been posted on a popular person’s Tumblr. I refresh my OKCupid messages to see if I’ve got a phone number I will never call because I’ve jerked off so many times I have no interest in dating.
Well fuck this. I’m taking a break. I’m getting off the internet so I can live more and write more shit and then put it on the internet. You should too. Don’t stop coming to this site though. Tell your friends and refresh constantly.