I’ve crossed the cock rubicon and I can’t jerk off to porn anymore. For the first few weeks of my unemployment it was six to eight times per day. When I discovered that Bing enabled perfect porn searches I was in a kind of heaven. There was no hour unjerked. My penis was beat up and scabby but it responded nonetheless. Looking back now this was the penis Beatles. Studio 54 in the 70′s. Now nothing excites me.
Diaper porn, midgets, chubby chicks, hot young wholesome girls next door who just turned eighteen, high school girls wincingly taking their first anal– it’s like watching a stock ticker. A cricket match. Who gives a shit about these mechanical shufflings of meat. I actually paleobated yesterday, jerking off to a half retarded girl with big tits I knew when I was sixteen. She had gone swimming in the lake in a white bikini, then sat giggling and dripping on top of my uncle’s washing machine. I didn’t know at first that she was… not mentally challenged per se, but some kind of special needs. Some kind of Asperger’s before they knew what Asperger’s was, and it turns out she was at my aunt and uncle’s house by the lake because she rode the special needs school bus my aunt drove. In retrospect, that made it so much hotter. Beautiful young girl that no one pays attention to. All the boys from town look down on her. Not me, baby. I care about you. Squirt squirt squirt.
I mean, thank God, because now maybe I’ll actually go talk to a woman. I’ve been harvesting OKCupid phone numbers and never calling, not answering texts that say you want me to come over. Leaving that vast cavern of awkward silence empty when a girl gives you the opening to get her number. I just haven’t given a fuck. I found the magic space where your ball sack is finally empty and a date would be a pain in the ass. El Dorado. Eight times a day is what it takes. You thought it was impossible but it was just Ghosts ‘n’ Goblins where you get to the end of the impossibly long difficult game and it just makes you start over. Eventually, though, you do get the kill screen.