Coffee Shop Diary: The Shitter

13 Mar

I have to piss.  You are never going to be able to piss in this coffee shop. The rest room key has not once been on its appointed hook.  Other people ask about it, but you know the score. “Someone must be in there.”  Someone must be in there taking the longest shit in human history. They have one of those diseases where the organs liquefy and they are shitting them out one inch at a time.  Someone won’t leave the bowl till his asshole’s dry and he’s reading Infinite Jest taking care to study the footnotes within footnotes. Someone is building a supercomputer out of his own shit, or a life sized statue of Napoleon.  No one, no human being, could ever, for any legitimate reason, stay in a coffee shop bathroom that long.  What kind of person shits in a coffee shop. What kind of monster.  We’re all puttering around drinking hot liquids, we all have to piss, and you’re in there crafting a flock of origami swans out of C fold paper towels, you motherfucker.  And another guy just asked about it.  Now he gets to go in before me, if this shitter ever emerges.  Great.  No doubt he’s got a hot sauce burrito log to squeeze out too.  They are all shitting in coffee shops, these huns. Whatever happened to take a quick piss and you’re out.  Fuck anyone who even washes their hands.  Pussies.

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7 Responses to “Coffee Shop Diary: The Shitter”

  1. Young Hunter March 14, 2013 at 1:10 am #

    I tend to shit in the bathroom closest to wherever I happen to be. I don’t frequent coffee shops very often, but yeah, that would be me.Probably would be a nice place to take a shit too if no one else has been taking them there.

  2. Jessica Maisonet March 14, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    Do not shit in the break room at work. Who does that? Guys who claim they cannot control they’re bowls for more than a microsecond.

    • Young Hunter March 15, 2013 at 4:06 am #

      I claim to have total control, just that I feel no need to hold onto it when there is a clean, serviceable bathroom in close proximity. Shitting in the bathroom across from break room in the lab is a favorite of mine.

  3. Clash1e March 14, 2013 at 9:36 pm #

    I still don’t understand the obssession people have with coffee shops. Fill two or three thermoses with your favorite brand, stuff it in your bag and then head on to a nice quiet library.

    Or if that’s not an option one can always piss in a Snapple bottle while in their car. Don’t forget to act natural, wouldn’t want the locals to scare and call the piglets.

  4. DT Fan #14 March 14, 2013 at 9:37 pm #

    I laughed at “crafting a flock of origami swans out of C fold paper towels”. Somewhere in there you should mention that most of the coffee shop’s “hot liquids” are diuretics.

    • Young Hunter March 15, 2013 at 4:07 am #

      Can also be a bit of a laxative when ingested in high quantities.

  5. Magomill April 5, 2013 at 1:26 pm #

    I’m literally shitting in Starbucks as I read this

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