The Lives of Beasts

21 Mar

sea otter smirking

I jerked off to some horse porn and then went to the coffee shop. Got the table by the counter where you can look at girls’ asses as they order. They try to cover up, they sit down quick, but they have to stand up there to order coffee so you have at least ten seconds of just drilling lasers into their beautiful asses in unholy tight jeans. Thinking: I just want to spread open that sweaty little crack and suck a Taco Bell shit out of her asshole.

I get that men need to be horny. Otherwise no one would ever fuck and we’d just die out. But this seems excessive. Like a cruel joke. I could operate at about a tenth of my current level and still blast enough sperm into people to populate a fucking continent. You are born so god damn horny and you are then dropped in a world where you have to fight for pussy against impossible odds.

There was an article, about sea otters. They found out sea otters were raping and murdering baby seals. It was the unlaid males– ten per cent of otter men fuck one hundred per cent of the women, and the other ninety per cent still have a hard on. So they drown baby seals performing the otter courtship ritual on them. They bite the seal on the nose and then hold it underwater, which an adult female otter can handle apparently. Not the seal; they drown. Still, the otter fucks the dead seal for weeks, again and again and again. Until the smell and the sea worms get to be too much. There’s an old joke about marriage in there somewhere.

The seals are not blameless as a clade: they rape penguins. And their own kind, too. The seal is another of these animals where ten percent of the males get to mate; some of the unlaid will then go after the pups. Bite them by the scruff of the neck and shake them around; this is the seal version of the nose bite/ mock drowning foreplay. Again, the battered baby seal dies, and the Nice Guy of OkCupid of seals then mounts and fucks the corpse until the putrescence gets to be too much.

Ten per cent of the males fuck a hundred per cent of the females. The other ninety per cent are just as horny, but they can’t jerk off. So they do the next best thing: grab a pup by the nose and drown it and fuck it for weeks. Males need to get off. Hands didn’t give us civilization because we could then build structures and tools. Hands gave us civilization because we can jerk off, thus freeing up energy and time. Otherwise, instead of inventing the spear, early hominids would have just devised cleverer and cleverer ways to fuck a baby antelope in the ass. Except for a historical hairsbreadth of enforced monogamy we’re another one of these animals where ten per cent of the males fuck ninety per cent of the females. Each generation is spawned only by the roughest horniest men and it just keeps getting amped up and up and up. Those unlaid otters are the spawn of otters who were so horny they could kill, and by the luck of the draw they were one per cent less horny and tough than the next guy. They had to back down but they were still carrying the hellish burden of this ball sack.

God has no compassion, in other words. You’re given this huge brain and all this capability and it just pushes you to fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,. And we’re not even the ones who have it worse. Women are the baby seals. Being horny is one thing but having your nose bitten off and drowning and watching from seal heaven as your corpse is subjected to interspecies rape… Christ. I’ll take the horse porn.

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6 Responses to “The Lives of Beasts”

  1. dust850 March 21, 2013 at 1:54 pm #

    Hilarious as usual. Nature is a sick bastard.

  2. Young Hunter March 21, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

    I don’t see much wrong with any of that.

  3. sylviasarah March 21, 2013 at 6:01 pm #

    If only you were able to settle down with one chick and then you could, in theory, have sex whenever you wanted :/

    “There’s an old joke about marriage in there somewhere.” – I think that’s the first line of this blog that ever made me laugh.

  4. Anonymous March 21, 2013 at 6:55 pm #

    classic addict shit

  5. 'Reality' Doug March 21, 2013 at 9:14 pm #

    Shocking in style and substance yet comforting in elucidation and reckoning: a masterful work of crudity.

    This is pithy tabou, true truth religious cowards refuse to see (but they see a God who specifies specific and elaborate ceremony and theology somehow):

    “They had to back down but they were still carrying the hellish burden of this ball sack. God has no compassion, in other words. You’re given this huge brain and all this capability and it just pushes you to fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.”

  6. Raul Felix March 22, 2013 at 9:31 am #

    Great example of how shit truly is. Sure, we’ve evolved to the point where we now have moral and are self aware enough to know killing shit and then raping is wrong, but our primal horniness will always stick around.

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