(This is a selection from my book Hot Naked Tits, which you can buy here.)
The fucksleeve came in the mail on a Tuesday. Just like a real woman it took forever to come, he thought. There’s a joke you’ll never be able to tell in public.
As promised it was in discreet packaging. A surprisingly small box. Within this was a plastic egg that contained the fucksleeve. While small, it could be stretched, per the pamphlet, “to accommodate any size penis.” There were also hints on how to maximize sensation on the glans and frenulum; some artist had been paid to draw a hand in various positions stretching this piece of silicon over a healthy-sized member. It’s a living. Inside the thing’s orifice was a single use packet of lube, but he opted for Curel Intensive Care instead. Save the special stuff for a rainy day.
Nikol’s right. I am an asshole for emailing (REDACTED)’s naked pictures to a scummy dude in exchange for naked pictures of a Chinese prostitute.
But– how are you going to have naked pictures of a girl and not show them to other guys? Someone tell me, because I have never once heard of it happening. A guy having naked pictures of his girlfriend and discreetly keeping them in his private possession and never showing them to anybody. Just wistfully jacking off to them once in a while after they break up. Maybe if the girl was fiendishly ugly. Continue reading
Are you PASSIONATE about finance? Rock star Executive Assistant needed for C-level exec at up-and-coming boutique firm. Ideal candidate is a detail-oriented, motivated self-starter. Thick skin and ability to handle tricky personalities a must. Salary standard with opportunity for growth. Bachelors degree, five years industry experience required.
They’re all like this. Because these people are all liars. In order for them to pay you they demand that you be a liar too. Are you passionate about finance? Of course not. No one is. No one is even passionate about money; they go after money because they have no passion and don’t know what else to do with their lives. But we want you to be motivated by passion, not a paycheck. Because we don’t want to pay you. Continue reading
IMPORTANT INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR ACCOUNT ENCLOSED TIME WARNER CABLE URGENTLY NEEDS TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR SERVICE PLAN BANK OF AMERICA OVERDRAFT RESPONSE REQUIRED NOTICE CITY OF LOS ANGELES BUREAU OF WASTE MANAGEMENT MANDATORY RATE INCREASE CITY OF LOS ANGELES FRANCHISE TAX BOARD NOTICE OF WAGE GARNISHMENT NOTICE CITY OF LOS ANGELES PARKING DEPARTMENT VIOLATION CITY OF LOS ANGELES TRAFFIC COURT NOTICE OF FAILURE TO APPEAR NOTICE
… this is Serenity Flannelcrotch with NPR news. Thousands of priceless ancient manuscripts have been destroyed in Mali, following an attack by Islamist rebels in the north. Unemployment is once again on the rise, according to fiscal reports from the fourth quarter; over half a million new applications were added to the seasonally adjusted figures. Meanwhile, the economy continues to add fewer jobs than projected. There’s been another school shooting, this time in Tennessee, where a student opened fire in a crowded cafeteria at lunchtime killing five and wounding twelve students and faculty. The ages of those killed ranged from seven to ten. A new “super” strain of gonorrhea has now been detected as far west as Colorado, CDC officials reported Wednesday. The strain can cause permanent damage to vital organs and is untreatable by antibiotics. In local news, former teacher Raoul Martinez will stand trial today facing allegations that he molested up to two hundred students over his thirty year tenure at Live Oak Elementary School. Rumors of Israeli involvement in Syria have drawn speculation that the U.S. may send troops, after a possible Israeli airstrike within Syrian borders. The Dow is up eight hundred points. Continue reading
You gotta understand that the hottest girl of all time is a sixteen year old special needs student with big tits who once sat wet in a white bikini on my uncle’s washing machine. He had a place by a lake; the kids would go there to swim. My aunt drove the special needs school bus in the town of Nottingham, New Hampshire. She rode this bus, so, something was wrong with her, but she seemed normal. She was beautiful. Perfect face. And big tits, bit sixteen year old tits that were still growing, popped out like balloons, a bubble butt that was still growing, a little hair on her pussy but not the pie plate sized tangle of Armenian backthatch that God sees fit to give women in adulthood. A sixteen year old special needs girl. Some kind of ADD or autism or dyslexia before these words were on TV, before they meant a rich kid who fucks up in school, so they just put her with the dumb kids. She was looked down on. The words you used to hurt people were retard and faggot; she rode the retard bus. She was sweet and just wanted somebody to like her. Just wanted somebody to kiss her under the raft, warm skin in cold water, just wanted somebody to touch her. This happened twenty years ago, and not even the part with the kissing, all I did was talk to her. The other kids were laughing at me but I didn’t know why. I didn’t find out she was mentally impaired until after the fact.
I’ve been jerking off to that memory for twenty years. A man’s dream is a woman who is beautiful, but at such a shit station in life that she’ll to talk to him even if he’s nervous. Before he’s a hardened soulless player shuffling through drunken anonymous fucks. You have as much of a shot at finding one as the fat girl does at marrying Justin Bieber.
A woman is flying from back East to visit me. A fan. She is fucking crazy, but I’m having her come out anyway. I need it that bad. Plus, Bukowski did it. Had girls fly out to fuck him for a couple days. He also killed a guy with a typewriter and slept on garbage cans– should I do that shit too? But if you write a couple hundred thousand words about fucking fat chicks and jerking off you start to get emails. Girls asking after your impotent, prematurely ejaculating micropenis. It can’t be that small, can it? They don’t want the image to interfere with some fantasy they have. Girls read about your emotional and sometimes physical abuse of other women and think: do me next! Continue reading
So it’s great to not work but it has its own set of dangers. You will do nothing with your time; you will sit at a desk and jerk off all day while it’s 73 degrees and sunny outside and people are walking around with interesting stories and the great books of the world sit ignored on the shelf of a library that’s within walking distance. In your own home you have musical instruments, you have a machine that can teach you any language in the world, but the machine also shows you young Thai girls choking on big veiny dicks and I don’t need to tell you which one you end up picking. There is a whole other country, another culture, another language right next door; mountains and deserts and jungles– jungles! With jaguars in them! Toltecs in those crazy blankets with faces like temple carvings selling fruit in some high mountain pass, dark eyed girls and cheap beer. But you’re too scared to go to it. You could be kidnapped. Kidnapped away from what, jerking off? Arrested? Your life is a prison. The difference between this apartment and Mexican jail is I have a slightly better toilet. Continue reading