You and Your Men

2 Apr

dogs on rollers

The new one is a professional swimmer. He has raced with Michael Phelps, he must have to say as soon as every single person asks about Michael Phelps. He can swim slightly faster in a straight line than virtually anyone else in the world, except Michael Phelps. Also, many creatures with no frontal cortex can beat him easily. But he is connected to something shown on television. I bet guys who worked for Bernie Madoff got pussy when he hit the news. Just be something they’ve heard of.

Before that it was a guy who worked for Brad Pitt.* She liked him. He had access to Brad Pitt’s luxury box at Dodger Stadium and she took her kids and they all met Brad Pitt. Before that it was some director. Before that, some DJ. Before that a porn star, whom I envied until I saw what he had to fuck in his porns. I hope they paid him well. Before that it was a comedian. Then an editor who had money somehow and had just moved out from the South where he was cutting cartoons; before that a guy who had his own theatre production company. A guy who had worked at the White House as the Undersecretary of Something. The old guys with white hair had money, always. That was nice. Nice dinners, a present for the boy.

There was a professional wrestler, but he was transitioning out of it to produce his own “filmed entertainment.” He had the Hollywood spiel down. Saying you’re producing a short film starring the fifth lead in Arrested Development must sound like fairy dust to some chick in Des Moines but out here there is sadness behind it. You have foreknowledge of his failure that you try not to tip him off to, out of politeness. He probably financed it on credit cards. I will pray for him.

Another guy, with family money. This one was going to film school. He told a story about fucking his niece when she was fifteen. I was told he had a larger than average penis, which I imagined going into his niece. Their cocks were always described as large or average, never small. How is that possible. But I always had to ask, did he have a big dick. Otherwise she would go on and on and on about he’s a Creative Director for an advertising firm that helps nonprofits spread awareness of sex trafficking in Namibia. But did he have a big dick, I would say. How is this not the first thing you bring up.

Men and men and men; mostly it was East Side types, usually they were Jewish, usually they had three days growth of beard and wore those glasses that everybody in that part of town wears, usually they were the type of person who owns a corduroy suit. I have a thing for nerds, she said. They all love nerds, girls who don’t know what nerd means. Girls think nerd refers to the type of shoes a person wears. Converse means nerd because a guy in a band who wore glasses like a nerd also wore Converse. Girls have never seen a Warhammer 40K rulebook with half the pages dogeared, online argument upon online argument about Star Wars Expanded Universe novels.

Good looking men, fine men. I met many of them; they were charming as shit and interesting to talk to. She was getting bargains. But then, most girls are so boring. Most girls are so useless in conversation, and she isn’t. Her womb’s expired and she has three kids and drinks until she pisses herself; she lives in a shithole where her teenage son plays loud rhythmless Pink Floyd songs on an out of tune guitar over and over and over and you can’t even put a six pack of beer in the fridge because it’s packed to the gills with lamb tongues and giant school cafeteria-sized bags of rutabagas and there’s always cat shit somewhere. It’s cluttered and filthy and loud and it takes fucking forever to get there but you still go because she has pretty eyes and she can talk. She can make you laugh. The only woman, ever, in history, who has been able to do this and don’t you dare tell me about Maria Bamford or Tig Fucking Notaro.**

She remembered men by their jobs. Like name tags at a conference. This guy and this guy and this guy. I remember women by their tits. Less dehumanizing.

* Celebrity name changed

** Not to disparage their fine work

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27 Responses to “You and Your Men”

  1. nikolhasler April 2, 2013 at 3:17 pm #

    There’s no cat shit.

  2. Dr. Illusion April 2, 2013 at 3:28 pm #

    You know, DT, one day you will go too far and Nikol will stop talking to you. It has happened before on my blog. I went too far about an ex gf of mine who read my blog and she went ape shit and hasn’t spoken to me since. But keep pushing, I get a kick out of it.

  3. Hmmm April 2, 2013 at 3:33 pm #

    Are you jealous?

    Is she in love with you? Because she certainly seemed that way in the Fatburger video.

    • Anonymous April 4, 2013 at 3:58 pm #

      Yeah. She definitely is.

      • Anonymous April 4, 2013 at 5:50 pm #

        Seems mutual

      • nikolhasler April 4, 2013 at 10:39 pm #

        I do love him. But I’m not in love with him. Sorry, kids.

      • Cakes and Shakes... April 6, 2013 at 6:36 am #

        I find it disappointing how predictably people want the Disney ending…

      • nikolhasler April 7, 2013 at 8:35 pm #

        Fucking THANK YOU.

  4. Little Miss S April 2, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

    My boyfriend was in a band with a guy who fucked his niece. One day he (my boyfriend) called me and said “guess what, (insert name of niece fucker here) got arrested with bail set at a million dollars!” He’s now in prison for like 20 years or something. He was a really good looking guy, too, and the niece was homely. So weird.

  5. jake April 2, 2013 at 11:00 pm #

    That evoked the image of a stray dog’s narrative as he digs through the dumpster behind the fancy restaurant. The high end of dumpster delectiousness. In an alley where all other dumpsters are filled with McDonalds three-old-grease, this one is stellar. She has … eyes. And … words. It’s … amazing.

    Doesn’t say much for the talent pool in LA.

    • Dr. Illusion April 3, 2013 at 6:03 pm #

      Well said.

    • Little Miss S April 3, 2013 at 9:41 pm #

      Haha I thought the same thing…pretty eyes and funny words aren’t THAT rare here, don’t worry…there’s still hope for the fellas now that Nikol is off the market. (Congrats, Nikol!)

      • nikolhasler April 4, 2013 at 7:33 am #

        Well, I do have a few other good qualities. I’m not all eyes and one-liners. But, thanks for the congrats. I’m pretty fucking pleased.

  6. yup April 3, 2013 at 2:49 pm #

    haha one of your best ones in a while and nobody comments…lol. do not give the people what they want, bc they dont deserve it.

    ps i drive home on sunset a lot of days from dodgers stadium off the 110 and im always on the lookout for you…i will yell at you if i see you on the road or out at night. i dont venture far from home-base usually tho. good luck.

    • Jessica Maisonet April 3, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

      Don’t text and drive.
      AKA whats the excuse for that?

      • nikolhasler April 4, 2013 at 7:34 am #

        Hey, “Jessica”, help us settle a standing bet. The Facebook profile you link to is just some random chick, right?

  7. Jessica Maisonet April 4, 2013 at 9:34 pm #

    Yeah, Nikol, the Facebook profile I link to just happens to have my two beautiful kids on it and my actual full name? Way to go.

    • sylviasarah April 7, 2013 at 10:13 am #

      Sweet. So, is Gordon W Cooper II single? Because I’d like to give him Gordon W Cooper III.

  8. Stephen April 5, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

    So you dated a porn actor, eh?

    • Nikol April 5, 2013 at 5:50 pm #

      Yes. I’ve technically dated two of them. One is British.

      • Little Miss S April 5, 2013 at 9:01 pm #

        That’s probably safer than dating a “regular” guy because I imagine they get tested regularly for STDs.

      • Stephen April 7, 2013 at 4:53 am #

        you are not Nikol

  9. Stephen April 5, 2013 at 5:24 pm #

    And I booked a flight to LA before reading this. I regret my decision immensely. At least it was round trip.

  10. Anonymous April 6, 2013 at 9:55 pm #

    has anyone seen the movie Drive?
    it was awesome
    way to make Nikol
    (and/or even FG)
    out to be this story now.
    (goodwork)

    • Anonymous April 6, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

      also in the movie Drive,
      your house can be filthy…
      and you have a kid and no money
      but there is no cat shit.
      and there is still a better story being told.
      your dark side
      is a godamn
      gold mine.
      you know?

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