OKCupid: What I’m Doing with My Life

6 Apr

s-OKCUPID-TIPS-large

Nuking the OKC profile againMight make this a monthly feature.

What I’m Doing with My Life

I’m basically a hobo with an apartment. I was fired from my job in February for just sheer horrific not giving a fuck and since then I’m paid by your tax dollars to drink and masturbate. I have no idea when or how I will get another job. I have applied for dozens and dozens of them, that I am supremely qualified for, and have heard nothing back. It’s OK. Working sucks. I can’t not admit that to myself. I can’t say “I loved my previous job and am really excited about building a career and synergy and outside the box blah blah blah,” so, I am not qualified to work. I complain that people won’t hire me but fuck man, they shouldn’t hire me, because I don’t give a shit about them or their company and I will only hate them for making me show up. I will coast on the least amount of effort possible. I will jerk off at work if there’s any privacy. Who wants that around.

I’m unhirable. I’m undatable. I have friends who are women who take care of every emotional and intellectual and like, cuddling aspect of my life, so I’m only on here looking for sex. I fuck an awful lot of women off this web site and I never use condoms. Or I did, last time– for the first time in years a girl made me, and I was aware of my dick inside her the way you’re aware of your arm when it’s fallen asleep. I wonder what she had that she was so adamant. Probably herpes, judging by her haircut. Condoms don’t prevent herpes. Nonetheless. I want to pour a couple drinks in you and have unprotected sex. For me to want something more you would have to be pretty god damn remarkable, and you’re not. There are a million of you.

On the plus side I really am as tall as I say I am. I am not secretly bald. And being unemployed I have plenty of time to enhance my chest, arms and buttocks. They are meaty and robust. My shoulders have muscle fibers that visibly kind of wrestle with one another when they’re tense. You can only see it when I’m flexing, but, every time you see me with my shirt off I will be flexing slightly. You can tell because I’m gritting my teeth a little. Stop looking at my teeth, you idiot. Look at my shoulders. It took years to get them like this.

What I want is for you to be special enough that I don’t just use you for sex. And I need you to prove that to me just about instantly, on our first date. I need you to be so funny and sweet and thought-provoking that I abandon my plan to have you drive me up the hill from the bar and get you into my squalid apartment and pour cheap red wine down your gullet while a youtube clip of Claude Debussy plays through my tinny computer speakers, and then I carry you into the bedroom and after a couple fake girlish objections on your part I give you the raw meatpipe. I need you to make me think: Jesus, I really want to spend more time with this person. Maybe I ought to ease up and let shit happen at a more civilized pace. None of you can do this. Or a couple of you have; those are the girls who take care of me now. I can’t fuck them anymore because I can’t stay interested in sex with the same person more than ten times. I need you to make me interested in sex with you more than ten times.

I need you to do all of this and in return I’ll give you nothing but I’m pretty tall and I smell good and I have nice teeth. Also I have a cat, so, if you like cats, you know– I have one. That’s something.

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31 Responses to “OKCupid: What I’m Doing with My Life”

  1. Little Miss S April 6, 2013 at 11:16 pm #

    You’re probably never going to settle down, you’re just wired that way, and that’s ok. Just be fine with separating sex (the online conquests) and emotional needs (Nikol and whoever else is in your lady friend harem) and you’ll be so much more at peace.

  2. sylviasarah April 7, 2013 at 12:19 am #

    What you need is her to be better at all the jobs all the other girls are doing. And to make sure you don’t realize you’re slowly shutting everyone of them out despite the likelihood that those girls are going to keep asking you why you don’t have time for them anymore. And maybe make you realize that one day (if you don’t want to end up sitting at an old folk’s home in a wheel chair facing the window with a view of an empty parking lot remembering all the ass you used to get because you’re trying not to think of how all of your friends are dying and it would have been nice to have had some kids to visit you) you’ll think, you are the only person who decides who you’re going to end up with and if you never do, you decide you’re going to be alone. Some people are huts or houses or other things. You just sound like a vault in a panic room buried 300 miles underground with no elevator. Which, you know, there is something special about everyone and obviously you’re special but…yeah. That’s a lot of effort to go for a guy who gives himself to, seemingly, everyone who offers. Who wants, more than something meaningful, to bone. Because if you put half the effort in finding someone that you do in finding a hole to poke, you wouldn’t be single. You’re wasting yourself. Bro.

    • sylviasarah April 7, 2013 at 12:28 am #

      You can delete this. Sake. Sorry I wrote that. I don’t even know you. So. Sake. And also I’m a huge bitch.

      • sylviasarah April 7, 2013 at 12:31 am #

        By ‘this’ I mean the first post, not the post in which I say ‘this’. Just…in case that wasn’t clear.

    • Anonymous April 7, 2013 at 8:58 am #

      Your writing is so fucking god-awful. Why do you constantly feel the need to punish DT’s readers with this shit?

      • sylviasarah April 7, 2013 at 9:13 am #

        Hater’s gonna hate.

      • Anonymous April 8, 2013 at 12:18 am #

        You stupid fuck, if you didn’t write bafflingly stupid shit then no one would hate. Notice how pfffffffffft’s post never get the same vitriolic responses?

      • sylviasarah April 8, 2013 at 10:37 am #

        I don’t think you fully understand the meaning of the phrase. It really means I don’t care. If making a bunch of sad little babies angry is the product of me posting my opinion an opinion about their not so fearless leader, I don’t actually care. This is Amurica. I don’t know how anyone doesn’t get this yet. Whoever thinks stuff like this has anything to do with introspection is an idiot and needs to look up the word. He doesn’t examine anything about himself. Pointing it out is not examining.

        To point out how much I don’t care, I’ll even give you some more writing samples to judge you judgey judgersons, you.

        DT: ‘I want sex and women give it to me.’
        Men who live vicariously but sit at home thinking about how difficult it is to get laid: ‘Wow, that’s amazing.’

        DT: ‘I’m going to write a story and no matter how good it is, I’m going to cheapen it with some reference to sex so I don’t have to make a real effort.
        MWLVBSATHTAHDIITGL:You’re the best writer of all times, can I lick your balls for a copy of the first book when it comes out?

        DT: ‘I have a problem with something and this is how the world should change to make me happy but I’m not going to do anything to change it because who wants to read that.’
        MWLVBSATHTAHDIITGL: ‘You’re right. We wouldn’t want to read that. We’d call you a pussy and mockingly ask you how many kids you’re going to have when you move to that suburb. Haha. Families. Because fuck’em, that’s why.’

        DT: ‘This blog post is about how we could all end hunger in Africa by just taking in one deep breath but I’m going to casually mention one time that fat people are gross and fat.’
        MWLVBSATHTAHDIITGL: ‘Yeah, fat bitches are the worst. I’m not going to reference fat men because that wouldn’t be very bro-y of me and I’m not trying to fuck other bros so I don’t expect them all to conform to my want. Women are there to be fucked and if any of them step out of line we’re going to belittle them as is our God given right. American bitches are the worst.’

        DT: ‘I fuck fat chicks sometimes. Only up to 30%, but still.’
        MWLVBSATHTAHDIITGL: ‘Hey I’m going to completely ignore that and talk about whatever other topic you were talking about.’

        DT: ‘Something that isn’t exactly nice to a girl or a bunch of girls.’
        Any girl: ‘That’s not very nice.’
        MWLVBSATHTAHDIITGL: ‘Fuck you, you’re a horrible writer and I bet you’re fat and you never get laid. You have the ora of someone who never gets laid and sits at home eating bonbons while crying about how she’s never going to have kids and it’s the one thing in all the world she wants.’
        Any girl: But…I do get laid. Here are pictures. Here are pictures of my vagina hanging out with a living mans penis.’
        MWLVBSATHTAHDIITGL: ‘That doesn’t prove anything. You could never get a boyfriend. No one will love you. I’m going to point this out because I assume every woman in the US is concerned with love because they’re all princesses and fuck if I’m going to be a prince. That would involve thinking highly of myself. There is no such thing as a prince who isn’t a homo. Fags ‘n stuff. But you know, I’m not homophobic.
        Any Girl: I have three guys asking me out right now but I’m moving.
        MWLVBSATHTAHDIITGL: You’re a gd liar and I’m not even going to read any more of your BS you fat fuck. Anyway, you’re lucky anyone even wants you because you’re older than 18. You’re going to have to keep raising your age limits because only old guys with old grey balls are going to want you, and even then it will be tough.
        Any girl: But there are a bunch of guys between 18 and 25 who have asked me out because, in their own words. Here, talk to these three.
        Three guys: Yeah, she’s older and we asked her out not wanting to just bone.
        MWLVBSATHTAHDIITGL: Fuck you, I don’t believe any of this. How can her fat old ass get so much play but I have to stay at home and hate women and figure out how to play them out of their own mind so they can fuck me? Because that’s how I get laid. Not by being myself, because really, what is there? But by staying home and learning about how to raise my value and lower theirs so I can get into their panties because I judge myself on how much I get laid until it turns into a fetish.
        Any girl: Maybe you should just be yourself.
        MWLVBSATHTAHDIITGL: Fuck you you ugly bitch.

        Fin.

      • NikolWrasler April 8, 2013 at 6:55 pm #

        Didn’t read. Jeez. You have absolutely no life.

      • In all fairness, I write some pretty ignorant shit sometimes that deserves calling out. Either nobody reads it, or they don’t care enough to.

    • Anonymous April 7, 2013 at 10:57 am #

      Quit mucking up the internet with your tardisms, sylviasarah.

      • sylviasarah April 7, 2013 at 11:33 am #

        I do what I want

      • Anonymous April 10, 2013 at 9:20 pm #

        You seem lacking in intelligence.

    • mork October 9, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

      want the DT dick much? 8====D++++++++++! :-()

  3. EEC April 7, 2013 at 1:34 am #

  4. BADM April 7, 2013 at 4:40 am #

    Dogs are better than cats. Period. I don’t know what these crazy bitches are talking about, but since they set the theme of this string of comments as psychotherapy in the tone of a stalkers voicemail, that’s my two cents. Your primary problem is that your dog is actually a cat. It’s a socially acceptable problem, like being fat or racist, so it’s really a non-issue.

    • Little Miss S April 7, 2013 at 10:28 pm #

      I actually AM a psychotherapist. So yeah.

      • BADM April 9, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

        Forgive me Dr. Little Miss S. You’re comment was logical and well conceived.

        Sarah, on the other hand, has gone full retard. It’s probably shark week.

  5. Anonymous April 7, 2013 at 12:53 pm #

    OH you poor baby. How about you whine some more.

  6. vsoze April 7, 2013 at 7:15 pm #

    Essentially doing to women what they do to men.

    Dude, use some of that unemployment money and go to yoga a few times a week. You can kill two rabbits in one shot. Choose the time you go wisely. More female yoga pants the better.

    And, Debussy? Jesus Christ man, I’m surprised any of them fucks you after you put that shit on. That’s for late night, post coke, solo listening.

    • sylviasarah April 7, 2013 at 7:17 pm #

      Just wondering, if he’s doing what women do to men, and you accept what he’s doing, you accept what women do then, right?

      • sylviasarah April 7, 2013 at 7:17 pm #

        Accept was a wrong word, I meant approve.

      • f-close frank April 9, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

        whaddup your mad fuckin crazy. do you have fake tities.

      • sylviasarah April 9, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

        Lol, no but when I’m ready I’ll go back to your blog. It’s very funny, good job.

  7. Anonymous April 7, 2013 at 9:36 pm #

    The “I fuck an awful lot of women off this website” part may work to your advantage.

  8. MattC April 11, 2013 at 6:13 pm #

    Mate, this is fucking brilliant and hilarious. Top stuff, you’ve got a real talent

  9. business April 16, 2013 at 8:27 am #

    Which was both equally attention-grabbing in addition as insightful!
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

  10. Anonymous April 16, 2013 at 1:55 pm #

  11. Boo hoo this post sucks January 18, 2014 at 3:23 pm #

    This post is about a consumer and not a producer. An actual useless being who is just increasing the likelihood of STDs. You’re the reason the world sucks, bro.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Reader Mailbag: How to Get Pussy on OKCupid | delicioustacos - October 6, 2013

    […] again I’m broke as shit and a filthy alcoholic pervert. I make this known. Reading my profile, you can almost smell my broken, hissing toilet. See the house centipede as long as a dollar bill […]

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