Number One Fan

19 Apr

1_a_misery_ballbuster

A woman is flying from back East to visit me.  A fan.  She is fucking crazy, but I’m having her come out anyway. I need it that bad. Plus, Bukowski did it. Had girls fly out to fuck him for a couple days. He also killed a guy with a typewriter and slept on garbage cans– should I do that shit too? But if you write a couple hundred thousand words about fucking fat chicks and jerking off you start to get emails. Girls asking after your impotent, prematurely ejaculating micropenis. It can’t be that small, can it? They don’t want the image to interfere with some fantasy they have. Girls read about your emotional and sometimes physical abuse of other women and think: do me next!

There is no level you can deprecate yourself to that will not gain fans. Guys, I shat on a baby. I spend my spare time participating in racially motivated murder. I piss on schoolchildren and jerk off in front of the elderly. I go to the animal shelter with a flamethrower and set kittens on fire and crank up a mournful Sarah McLachlan tune so I can’t hear their piteous wails. If you are ever in a car with me, I will fart. Pork roast and Brussels sprouts. Ask Nikol. My fartistry is unparalleled.

They read about my sweaty nut sack the size of a circus tent and they think: I need some of that. All that matters is they think they know you, they think other people read you. They want you to write about them too. I fucked this chick once.  There. That was about you. There are silverfish on my toilet. I spend every night pretending I’m a wizard on the computer. My friends are also alcoholic nerds and weirdos. I will cheat on you as soon as the opportunity arises. My cat will not like you.

You could write a blog that’s all racial slurs and descriptions of your own shit and if you posted every day for a year it would get you pussy. If enough other girls left comments. Jesus, what a world. Don’t stay in school, kids.

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24 Responses to “Number One Fan”

  1. Dr. Illusion April 19, 2013 at 4:37 pm #

    People used to be famous because they were special….now they are special because they are famous.

  2. Little Miss S April 19, 2013 at 5:51 pm #

    Speaking of such things, why is your blog not as popular as so many other “manosphere” type blogs? They get hundreds of comments and yours are pretty skimpy in comparison. You’re a much better writer, and more interesting in many ways…are you not self promoting enough? Just don’t care? You could have so many more ho’s flying out to do you if you had the readership that these other dudes do.

    • delicioustacos April 19, 2013 at 6:02 pm #

      A few reasons. 1) This blog is new-ish, other guys have been around for years. 2) Other guys tend to have a thesis, or a theme. How to pick up X type of girl, feminists are destroying America, etc. My shit is a scattered livejournal, so no one is seeking this information. and 3) I don’t really network with anybody or promote anyone else’s shit in exchange for them promoting mine.

      If folks want to help, they can post my shit on reddit and twitter and whatever forums they participate in. Tell your friends and relatives. Ask your grandmother to read about my salty distended nut sac in your annual Christmas card.

      • Little Miss S April 20, 2013 at 9:21 pm #

        I will absolutely recommend your salty nut sac to my Gram!

  3. Emily April 19, 2013 at 7:00 pm #

    I am in full support of this experiment.
    I’m flying to New York for sex next week myself. . Plus on the bukowski note…
    I just found an old teenage diary that said:
    “how come people can think up the movies–but not live like them?”

    An adolescent thoight perhaps–but it still really resonates.
    So–Go For The Gold-in terms of plot construction.
    Don’t die without those kind of memories!

  4. Ruxman April 19, 2013 at 7:24 pm #

    Perhaps I could do that, but writing about shit makes me think of shit, same probably goes with ball sacks.

  5. aneroidocean April 19, 2013 at 11:25 pm #

    It makes me pretty happy you can get laid from your writing

  6. Stephen April 19, 2013 at 11:31 pm #

    So the fat chick you are sending out….is it Sylvia?

    • sylviasarah April 20, 2013 at 12:11 am #

      I could only pray that one day I would be worthy of being sent out.

      • sylviasarah April 20, 2013 at 12:14 am #

        wait…I just realized this means I’m not the number one of the fans…

      • Anonymous April 24, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

        Nope, just the most pathetic.

  7. Johnny Caustic April 20, 2013 at 1:41 am #

    Everyone who reads this blog knows that your notch count is probably in the triple digits, or at least closing in on it. So of courses the ladies will be coming be. The cat is out of the bag; it doesn’t matter if you chase that matted furball down the alley in skidmarked boxers trying to take it down with the perfect arc of urine. The public has voted. You and your micropenis are pre-approved. Just fill out the forms and the cunt cards will arrive in the mail. No use fighting destiny when destiny wants you to max out your credit limit.

    • Emily April 20, 2013 at 2:37 pm #

      Really great comment

  8. dannyfrom504 April 20, 2013 at 12:00 pm #

    Little Miss-

    this is something i’m well qualified to speak on. i’ve been a “Sphere” blogger for almost 2 years. i’m JUST starting to get decent “views” but get no where near the biggger blogs. BUT i do have one thing special that i’ve become famous for-

    i know 80% of the bloggers personally. i know their “real life” name and whatnots.

    and i can assure you this- DelTacos is very much on the radar. it’s just views to comments is about 1000/1

    d
    ann

    • dannyfrom504 April 20, 2013 at 12:01 pm #

      danny.

      fucking comment box was covering my words as i typed.

    • Little Miss S April 20, 2013 at 9:23 pm #

      That makes sense…there are probably way more lurkers than commenters!

      • dannyfrom504 April 20, 2013 at 9:30 pm #

        I had to do a post in December that I wouldn’t post again until I had 50 comments on said post.

        Ended up with +100. And that was after blogging for over a year. My site isn’t huge, but I’m surprised I have such a large female audience. But DT is def on our radars.

        There’s much behind the scenes stuff regarding the Sphere.

  9. dannyfrom504 April 20, 2013 at 12:05 pm #

    Emily-
    “I’m flying to New York for sex next week myself.”

    aaaaah. you gotta leve getting some FEP. Fed Ex Pussy. i had a girl fly from LA to new orleans for me once. JOY!!!!

    • Bill Powell April 21, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

      You know like I know that when you get to a certain point, the groupies come out of the woodwork. Part of the game. As for the sphere, if they only knew LOL.

      • dannyfrom504 April 22, 2013 at 4:24 pm #

        yup. i’ve had female readers call me so i could listen tot hem double click the mouse. nommy nom nommers.

  10. Raul Felix April 26, 2013 at 5:07 pm #

    Isn’t that why we men do anything? For more pussy. I’ll start accumulating my own little set of blog groupies. Keep up the good work.

  11. Annie Wilkes was a metaphor for addiction.

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