Coffee Shop Diary: Cock Magellan

12 May

diverse smiling women

Look at that. Fat floppy Mexican teenage ass in yoga pants. Some men would be appalled by this, but I want to know what that ass looks like naked.

My buddy who travels around the world fucking whores says at some point you get sick of fucking. You’re not horny and you don’t want to cum but you keep buying three dollar malnourished Cambodians anyway because you just want to see what your dick looks like going in a new one. You’re just curious.

That’s the deeper difference between women and men, I think. Not how horny one or the other is but that chimplike curiosity, or the lack of it. Women never see your ass and think what kind of panties is he wearing. They never summon Jedi concentration to envisage a black strip of thong fabric rubbing against a little puckered pink butthole. Does she have a hairy pussy, a waxed pussy, a shaved pussy, an innie, an outie; is it pink, is it dark– hard to guess; she has dark hair green eyes.

How does that floppy Mexican teenage fat jiggle when you hit it from behind. What does that huge eyebrow stud look like when she’s looking up at you, kneeling, sucking your dick. How sweaty does an obese woman’s pussy get. What does it smell like. Are deeply religious Nicaraguan immigrants good at sucking dick. What does it feel like to lick out a natural woman’s hairy taint. Do college students like having a spat-upon finger in the shitpipe these days. Or will she wriggle off it. Or will she say something, does she have a polite “no” chambered because all guys try it every fucking time.

What are bisexual girls like; can your pussy eating compete. What’s a muscular girl like, one who can give you a real fight when you’re playing at pinning her wrists over her head. What’s a real Brienne of Tarth big girl like, or a four foot eleven ninety pound girl whose growth was stunted in adolescence by Lyme disease. Does that hippy crust punk with the dirty bandana clean her snatch and if not what do three days of sweaty hormones smell like tangled in that rat’s nest of a crotch when she’s ovulating. Do punk girls like it when you pull their pink hair to keep you from slipping off you doggystyle. Do girls who bite your lower lip on the first makeout like to get smacked for it (usually yes, when it’s a “no” it’s awkward). What does a girl who tells you she bruises easily say the next morning when you’ve deliberately left black and purple bite marks all over her neck and she has to go to work. Does a girl who looks underage like it when you tell her to call you “daddy” or is it just a genetic accident she’s sick of hearing about. Do fat girls like it when you pick them up and twirl them around, let them feel girlish for once. Do girls who are self conscious about their big fat asses get more self conscious when you want to flip them over and eat out their big fat ass crack on a 106 degree day in August or do they like it, do they get to let go, do they get to feel good about themselves, am I doing a god damn public service here.

Here’s another one. Asian girl with a crazy ass walking by in a short cream colored knit dress, cut perfectly so it almost but not quite shows her little panties. Does she make those weird Japanese porn crying noises does she have those impossibly long straight jet black pubes does she tweeze that one fishook-curly nipple hair Asian girls always have poking out of the bottom of their areola or has it escaped her notice. But she’s talking now; she has a British accent, somehow you know the only guy who’ll ever find the answers has money, or at least doesn’t inspire patronizing concern from the clerk on his third visit per night to the liquor store. All we can hope, then, is that God tells you when you die.

7 Responses to “Coffee Shop Diary: Cock Magellan”

  1. mindweapon May 12, 2013 at 6:05 pm #

    I think you are the reincarnation of Napoleon.

  2. eec May 13, 2013 at 9:31 am #

    As an artist, I can undress people with my eyes and envision their naked bodies rather easily, so that’s become boring. There’s no anticipatory “unboxing”. And, really, I’ve had to do enough behavior analysis, market research, and research & development to where I can make extremely accurate predictions on people*.

    Ignorance is bliss.

    The real excitement would come from a) the challenge and chase (conquer and divide), b) during my angry period, the “romping and ravaging”, “raping and pillaging”, then c) whether or not they knew what they were doing. When the sex started sucking I accepted defeat in the name of emotional and financial stability and security. I grew weary, which really needn’t happen in your early to mid 20s. I think it’s called “settling”. I guess that’s when people move to suburbs and “settle”. I wanted to make my millions and win international acclaim before I hit 30 (had to live up to that whole “prodigy” and “polymath” thing), but then I got sick and got bludgeoned in the face by reality.

    Now I smoke weed so I won’t think so much and can sit, enjoy life and not try to predict the future anymore (though I *am* p good at predicting market trends). That and to quell the opportunism, because really —

    If you give me a hole, I’m gonna fuck it.

    • eec May 13, 2013 at 9:36 am #

      * I worked on training and developing the next iteration of the Match .com product and their new matching software. Products and technologies have life cycles.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Technology_lifecycle

      Listen to Tim Wu sum up his book on the life cycles of media technologies. It’s about the possibility of an Internet “Master Switch”. This was written before Egypt pulled the plug.

      He’s one of my most favorite people ever. Since 2011 he’s been an advisor to the Federal Trade Comission. He still regularly goes to Burning Man.

  3. Emily May 24, 2013 at 12:55 pm #

    “Women never see your ass and think what kind of panties is he wearing. They never..”

    Just not true. You never consider women’s thoughts so you just assume. Personally, I frequent bathhouses and get waxed and all sorts of other things purely out of curiosity. I need to see as many people naked and stare at them as poosible. All the shapes and sizes. I need to be touched in every imaginable way–have my pussy patted like a mom does a baby by an old Asian or a under fluorescents. I have fucked men with boobs purely for the fascination of dicks and tits. Sex I’m an outhouse just to see if I’d puke . Etc. give us more credit. We have imaginations too. Jeez

    • Emily May 24, 2013 at 12:55 pm #

      Sex ‘in’ an outhouse not ‘i’m’

  4. Jay in DC June 14, 2014 at 8:39 pm #

    It is a fucking tragedy that you are not more read and linked to. I read a post here once, and I cannot even remember what it was about. It was linked by someone on Chateau Heartiste and I literally have never laughed harder EVER reading anything on the interwebz. I was crying in laughter by the end, so much so that my live in GF came down and was like “what the hell is wrong with you?”

    I may go back through the CH archives to resurrect it. I have more to say about this as I amusedly read my way up to 6/14/14. You are a gem brother…


    My buddy who travels around the world fucking whores says at some point you get sick of fucking. You’re not horny and you don’t want to cum but you keep buying three dollar malnourished Cambodians anyway because you just want to see what your dick looks like going in a new one. You’re just curious.

    This is the stuff of genius.

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