Some time in the last five years every woman started bragging that she could squirt. If you hit my G spot with your fingers while I’m in a seated position and Venus is in the Third House of Capricorn… I will squirt all over the place. Look what a libertine I am, she says. And I know when I hear it exactly what to avoid. I hate doing laundry.
It’s bragging on their part, but also an invitation to do something you can brag about. Dude, she squirted all over the place, you will say, heralding your status as a sex god.
I used to care about being “good in bed.” About whether a woman was satisfied. About engaging in hours of elaborate foreplay and mood lighting and appropriate drugs and music. Back in college. Girls talk to each other about that stuff, men would say. They’re gonna hear that you’re a sex god and come get some of that too.
Not anymore. Even when I was trying I fucking sucked at sex and still, the girls’ friends would fuck me. It doesn’t matter that you fucked their friends well; it matters that you fucked them at all. Girls I couldn’t pull wood with, girls where I prematurely ejaculated all over their cunt as soon as the nubbin tip of my helmet hit the folds, girls where I blew all over their furry taint trying to find my way in drunk– didn’t matter. Their friends still fucked me, even though I’m sure they did talk. But besides hoping my reputation would precede me I really cared back then about giving girls a good sexual experience. Pride, fuckin’ with me. No more.
I eat pussy when I want my face to be in a girl’s pussy, when I need to know what it tastes like. In other words, the first date. After that I rub my head a little on her when we’re spooning and force it in dry for the first few pumps until she gets wet. It makes no difference. They cum with the same frequency. When I want to fuck, I make a girl suck my dick until I get hard then I pull her up by the hair and get on top of her and stick it in. No difference. If I’m with a girl whose body I’m really enamored with I will spend much time on foreplay but it’s for myself. I don’t give a fuck what parts of her body are sensitive and turn her on, the ones I put in my mouth are the ones I want to taste. I don’t give a fuck if a girl who likes to get choked tells me to choke her, I choke her if I’m moved to. I am an uncaring, demanding, selfish pig and I have a small cock and I cum too fast most of the time. Doesn’t matter.
They like it when you’re a selfish pig. They like it when you don’t give a shit about them. They like to be a fuckhole whose job is to cater to your impulses right when they happen or not at all, and whatever reason this is, genetic or “we are socialized to blah blah blah,” Jesus Christ, when you give up trying to please girls, life just becomes so much easier. And better. Why wasn’t I taught this in health class. Fucking education system, asleep at the wheel.