The Natural Physique

19 May

heston

Astrid was trying to set me up with some girl she works with. Some cunt. I mean, maybe she’s not a cunt but she didn’t want to be set up with me, so, she’s a cunt. She’d been telling Astrid she likes “built” guys, and Astrid showed her a picture of me with my shirt off. And she said:

“Yeah, but he looks like he works out on purpose. I want a guy who’s just burly like he’s been chopping wood.”

Let me tell you something. Nobody looks what is now called “good” through normal activities.  You have to work at it, for the sole purpose of vanity, like it’s a second fucking job.  I was listening to an Opie and Anthony bit with Louis CK, which I now can’t find. They were talking about how every hot male movie star from the past would get laughed the fuck off the screen today if they took their shirt off. Charlton Heston. Steve McQueen. These men who had the “hot” body of their time would be flabby schlumps today. The standards of the male body have gone fucking nuts.

And I know, women have it tough too. Magazines, etc. Except none of you actually seem to give a shit about meeting these society-imposed standards. You just stay fat and then complain that you saw a picture of a thin person. And men fuck you anyway. Men, actual men in the real world, are out there grinding away their hip joints till it’s bone on bone, till their pelvises creak like old ships; they are squatting, dead lifting, bench pressing, crushing the breath out of their chests, walking around the next day like they took a pipe to the knee, cutting carbs, choking down big mugs full of lumpy powder shakes that make you feel like you’re shitting out a coffee can worth of drywall screws. They are contemplating steroids, broiling themselves in radioactive tanning beds, doing horrendous calorie calculus to burn down to a fatless wick while these huge muscles they’re building are screaming for food.

And all this gets you to “acceptable.” These are not guys who want to look like the mutant space gorillas we have for bodybuilders these days. These are guys who want to look within 15 per cent of Patrick Bateman. Ryan Reynolds in any movie. Ryan Gosling being told churlishly by Emma Stone that he looks photoshopped. Her character was telling him he’s a douchebag for looking that way, while every real woman who saw that trailer thought: god damn. I just saw American Psycho with an audience. The girls all screamed when he flexed at himself while sodomizing a hooker. One of the points of that movie is he’s a douchebag for being so vain; then the girls all wet their panties at his steroid-laden overtanned seven per cent body fat physique. Here’s what we want, and what an asshole you are for trying to give it to us.

bateman

Women’s burden, meanwhile, is to be told they are too fat by society, and then complain about it while eating. Actually, no; I’m being a dick. Losing weight is motherfucking hard, and you guys have a set of hormones where looking at a doughnut makes you feel like I feel driving by the all girls Catholic high school on a windy day. I get it.

But how about, just, some motherfucking appreciation for the work we’re all doing to bring you this better beefcake. Because, again: nobody looks good from “chopping wood.” Those “chopping wood” guys are at the gym in the heat, strapped in to some huge canvas belt with a chain around it like the overgrown pitbull has around its neck at the junkyard, some medieval prison technology to keep his spine from snapping as he deadlifts the weight of half a car, hauls up all that rusty iron mass right through his aging kneecaps, eyes bulging out of his head like he got kicked out of the dome in fucking Total Recall. But he doesn’t shave his chest or tan so he’s natural, he must just be that way. Surely he’s not killing his liver with pills and scraping his 15,000th scorched boneless skinless chicken breast out of the skillet because no fats while cutting means no teaspoon of olive oil to keep it from sticking. He’s just natural. You fucking idiot. Burly from chopping wood. Because I’m sure a fucking woodcutter in 1700’s Bavaria has a physique that would please you. You whore.

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is: fuck this one person for thinking I’m ugly.

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37 Responses to “The Natural Physique”

  1. Mike Doe May 19, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

    >women

  2. Anonymous May 19, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

    Ok-right-so she doesn’t think your ugly–but also thinks Hollywood hot hunk is. She wants the ones that you say would be laughed off set today. An actual man without a fucking mirror fetiah. The vanity manicured new standards are a turn off. It’s revolting in fact.
    Vanity is the opposite of testosterone

  3. dressyarson May 19, 2013 at 2:17 pm #

    I have sharp, shooting pains all through my back since I started deadlifting a mere 320lbs. That sounds like a lot to the uninitiated, but it is actually a piddling amount. I woke up in the middle of the night last night from back pain. I laid on the floor with my legs up on the bed. I know I’m going to have get up to 400-500lbs. I am going to be a hunchbacked invalid in ten years.

    Meanwhile a chick messages me on OkCupid: “Put on a shirt ;)” and “It’s a shame you feel the need to show off your muscles (however beautiful they may be) when you have much more to offer …” graahaahadlfjlsdfkjaslfjasdlfj bitch in a thousand years if my profile were written by motherfucking Nietzsche himself you would never have responded to me without that vulgar shirtless photo. In years of online dating I get basically no response when I don’t have the shirtless photo up you stupid self-deluded cunt. By the way did you want to have sex.

    • yourfacetattedonmy May 19, 2013 at 8:47 pm #

      Lol.

    • moe jones May 19, 2013 at 9:22 pm #

      If you’re fucking up your back deadlifting then you’re doing it wrong.

      This guy does it well

      • sfer May 23, 2013 at 10:40 am #

        You are kidding yourself if you think that full body exercises like squats and deadlifts at significant weights are not painful. Also, if you think that form doesn’t deteriorate when you increase the amount of weight you lift. Show me the video where some dude explains how to squat while lifting his PB.

      • darklightdispatch May 23, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

        Yes, this is very, very true. Repeated squats with heavy weight puts tremendous stress on your back, hips, and knees, regardless of form (and who keeps perfect form when getting near his limit??) I would recommend looking into “pistols” and their variations, such as are detailed in The Naked Warrior or Convict Conditioning. Challenging enough for anyone and wont’ kill your joints/back.

  4. Anonymous May 19, 2013 at 3:03 pm #

    “Yeah, but he looks like he works out on purpose. I want a guy who’s just burly like he’s been chopping wood.”

    She wants someone with an active, healthy lifestyle that goes out and has fun and has things he’s passionate about — something that’s greater than himself — because, you know, he’s “keepin’ it real”

    — As opposed to an individual whose neuroses exhibit themselves through self-destructive habits.

    • DT Fan #12 May 19, 2013 at 6:35 pm #

      If she meant that, then she would have said “plays sports” instead of “chopping wood”. She wants a guy not only with good physique, but also with a lumberjack, burly-man aura. Dream on, girl. Who the fuck chops wood in LA.

      • yourfacetattedonmy May 19, 2013 at 8:48 pm #

        >Who the fuck chops wood in LA

        I see… I see a business idea!

      • Yep, you got it. She better move to rural Oregon or somewhere. Idaho. Although I’ll bet there are plenty of dudes who look like lumberjacks fashion-wise in LA, know what I mean? Like Lumberjack chic hipster douchebags. That’s what she wants. She doesn’t want the kind of guy who actually got big from chopping wood: one of those Northwestern hillbillies like you see on that show “Ax Men” with missing teeth and shitty jailhouse tats and a percocet habit who comes home every day bruised and cut up, covered in dirt and grease and tree sap and drinks until he passes out. That’s the guy who’s big because he’s just been chopping wood. She doesn’t want that guy. She doesn’t want the guy with a steel claw for a hand because he lost it in a logging accident.

        It sounds like what she wants is purely aesthetic. A Grizzly Adams-looking jerkoff with a ratty beard who wears plaid flannel shirts and suspenders with skinny jeans. Maybe he even has an ironic tattoo of the Brawny Man paper towel guy on his chest. She wants a guy who LOOKS like he’s been stranded for months at a logger camp in the Yukon, but who, in actuality, has a degree from Caltech and drives a Prius to work in a cubicle at a high five-figure IT job every day. Somebody who looks like they’ve been chopping wood, but doesn’t actually chop any wood. He actually works on his physique at the gym. Maybe he looks a little rugged at first glance, but he’s actually very sweet and polite. He’s a vegan for ethical reasons. Hundreds of thousands of acres of Amazonian Rainforest are razed every year to plant soybean crops so people like him can continue to eat tofu burgers. He spends most his spare time practicing amateur photography. Ruin porn, mostly.

        It’s all just a fantasy.

  5. Celeste May 19, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

    “Actually, no; I’m being a dick. Losing weight is motherfucking hard, and you guys have a set of hormones where looking at a doughnut makes you feel like I feel driving by the all girls Catholic high school on a windy day. I get it.”

    This sentence here, gives me an understanding. If everyone understood this about the battle of the sexes, maybe we’d all be more compassionate about the others’ neuroses.

    • Anonymous May 19, 2013 at 4:32 pm #

      Jesus christ not every person thinks or works like that. That is an example of impulse-control and the ability to moderate urges. Most men I know have really stagnant sex-drives. The food and hunger thing has nothing to do with hormones (unless he was making some sort of PMS joke, but really, donuts? That’s a cop joke. Jeez, get your act together) and basic survival needs.

      DT, everyone in your comments section is a retard and I want to stab things in their eyes and my brain and take a machete to old computer equipment.

      Also, you’re more of a woman than all the women I know. Like, you’re getting near tranny status. Get your act together. This whole “wahhh I’m not pretty witty and gay” thing is old hat.

      • YR&R May 19, 2013 at 5:52 pm #

        Idk how the hell you guys are lifting if its become such a painful burden to you. Better drop the weights, and instead focus all that discipline on approaching girls if you want a better return. Also, why would you cut fats if you’re cutting. Do you even lift?

      • James May 19, 2013 at 9:44 pm #

        wooosh

      • Celeste May 20, 2013 at 12:17 pm #

        Honestly, it sounds to me like DT has some kind of eating disorder. I can relate. His feelings about his physique closely mirror female anorexia.

  6. Austin May 19, 2013 at 6:44 pm #

    Man, this post had me rollin’. I’ve long since though that women have it so easy with the body image stuff, do they even know how easy it is to lose weight vs. building lean muscle? I can drop 20 lbs in 3-4 months, without much effort, and I am already thin. But gaining 20 lbs of lean muscle will take at least 2 years, probably more, of eating right and working my ass off in the gym.

    Oh well, things have a way of changing for women when they get past 40 or so…

    • Plenty of guys who do manual labor look like the type this girl describes: big, barrel chested motherfuckers with Popeye forearms. The average ironworker is built like a brick shithouse. They barely even handle a tool that weighs less than five pounds. Ironworkers, masons, laborers, roofers – the majority of the dudes in all the more physically intense trades are built. And most of them don’t go to the gym at all, eat whatever they want, and drink like fucking lords usually.

      I’m naturally skinny like you, but when I worked as a laborer I went from around 165 to 190 in about six months, gained about 25 pounds of straight muscle without going to the gym at all, just working. The idea that you have to be in the gym every day deadlifting fucking 500lb. weights and strictly adhering to some bodybuilder diet to get big is bullshit. If you work in an office you do. If you want bodybuilder definition you do. But if you spend eight to ten hours a day, five days a week mixing batches of cement, carrying cement, carrying bags of cement mix, carrying concrete blocks and setting up/breaking down scaffolding – you’re gonna get whipped into shape real fucking quick. I don’t give a fuck if you’re surviving solely on gallons of cookie dough ice cream and 40s of Olde English. You will still get built.

      It depends on your natural body type too, though. If you’re skinny you’ll get big. If you’re naturally husky you’ll get massive. I worked with this black dude, Frank, who was fucking huge. I mean, he looked like the guy from The Green Mile. His arms were around the size of my thighs, and he didn’t go to the gym at all as far as I know.

  7. balboa69boa May 19, 2013 at 8:23 pm #

    I bet the woman who complained about you not looking like a lumberjack is overweight or at least skinny-fat. It’s a function of the current dating market dynamics in the US. Young, attractive women have the upper hand, and not only able to get away with giving shit to men, but are taught to do so by the media.
    Women will never respect a man for the work he puts into being a high value man. Just like children who don’t understand all the sacrifices their parents make. It’s just the way it is.

    • Revo Luzione May 19, 2013 at 9:59 pm #

      “Women will never respect a man for the work he puts into being a high value man. Just like children who don’t understand all the sacrifices their parents make. It’s just the way it is.”

      Word. It’s been said that de wimminz’s are simply children you can fuck, and they expect a man to just “arrrive” as a high value man with no prior effort. They don’t want to see that a man has to struggle & work hard to be fit, handsome, successful, and wealthy. They want their masculine icons to pop out, fully formed.

      That’s why that lizard in the story wants a lumberjack that doesn’t look like he’s trying to be jacked–it reminds her of the man behind the curtain, pulling the levers of his life like life depended upon it, like his next deadlift PR will determine the size of his pension check. She can’t relate to that kind of effort, because for women to look good, she simply must exercise moderately and not feed her face as if it were a vacuum cleaner.

      Bottom line: never let them see you sweat.

  8. fokm (@fokm) May 19, 2013 at 10:24 pm #

    You’re referring to the “In-shape out-of-shape guy” discussion from Opie and Anthony. I couldn’t find a link to the bit either.

    Whatever happened to it being acceptable to be a bit overweight if you’re a guy, so long as you fuck her right and treat her well. For some reason men are criticized because we’re so visual and all we care about is T and A, but I’ve not heard anyone complain that women seem to be doing the exact same thing.

    Jews.

  9. Days of Broken Arrows May 20, 2013 at 2:25 am #

    Absolutely brilliant closing line.

    But why would you actually listen to anything a woman said? They have no idea consciously what they want. I just came across a photo of a woman I knew in college who was dressed up in nerdy Star Trek regalia with her shorter boyfriend. This came as a surprise because in college she specifically told me she’d never date anyone even remotely short and she used to always bash nerds. As I said, they have no idea what they want so don’t listen.

    • darklightdispatch May 20, 2013 at 7:58 pm #

      Finally, an intelligent fucking comment. This is 100% true. There is nothing more supplicating and beta than lifting/bodybuilding motivated by the desire for female approval. At least the clueless nice guy who listens to her inane shit and gets friendzoned isn’t sacrificing his health to appease the vapid, shifting whims of chicks.

      All these 3% bodyfat meatheads that lumber around L.A. nightclubs with their spray tans and tight jeans might *look* like Greek gods and be the physical manifestation of masculine perfection but, in reality, they’re as emasculated as any emo boy or male feminist neckbeard.

      The essence of masculinity as it relates to social interactions is authority. The ability to first control yourself and then provide leadership to others, thus creating order, is the only thing that is genuinely and universally attractive. All these external signifiers — a handsome face, muscles, money, a cool outfit, being well-traveled, etc,, etc. — are all just secondary results that point towards or are associated with order.

      Also: weightlifting and bodybuilding are fucking horrible, stupid things that virtually no one should take part in. I know people are going to shout that idea down with a passion, but it’s 100% true. Find one middle aged former body builder who isn’t in constant pain. It all but can’t be done. Even the worst slave-like manual labor jobs of the past were less taxing than the average serious lifter’s regimen.

      Whatever doesn’t kill you DOESN”T make you stronger. It shouldn’t take a great revelation to figure out that torturing your body to the breaking point, combined with periods of alternating starvation and forced feeding for years at a time, is terribly unhealthy. Guys who go to pizza hut everynight and spend their free time laying on the couch are *healthier* by any reasonable measure than your average iron head. The site http://180degreehealth.com has some good relevant info.

      Does this mean you shouldn’t be active or in good shape? Of course not. Play a sport or do some kind of physical activity. It’s more fun plus more social, as well. Anything is better than destroying your joints by doing the same stressful motions over and over again, month after month. Also, for general fitness, bodyweight exercises are by far the way to go. Check out the following books:

      — The Naked Warrior by Pavel
      — Convict Conditioning I and II

      These old fashioned calisthenic exercises can get you as strong as you want (how many one armed pull ups can you do?) while also increasing your overall athleticism and protecting your joints. No, there’s no way they’ll make you look like the big guy from Jersey Shore, but is that really a bad thing?

  10. B May 20, 2013 at 4:34 am #

    If squats and deadlifts are painful, you’re either doing them wrong or have some kind of pelvic condition which makes you unsuited for them. Either way, finding a professional strength coach is the way to go.

    I also don’t understand how you’re unable to bang the women you want without basically turning into a faggot. Excuse me-a “body conscious” obsessive sculpting himself through great pains. Is there no other point on which you can differentiate yourself? Do you think that young Charlton Heston, were he to come to 2013, would have trouble pulling ass?

    Really, you seem to have turned your life into the Hell of Hungry Ghosts.

  11. bruce banner May 20, 2013 at 8:49 am #

    I bet if you looked like Charlton Heston or Steve McQueen you´d still get laid today. A nancy boy who lifts weights is still a nancy boy. This goes for modern actors, not for you, DT! You look like a straight stand-up comedian, Tacos!

    Why don´t you just sell your domain name to Taco Bell or whoever, make a milion bucks and just stop self-commiserating? You look fine (no homo). Body building is gay and always has been.
    One last thing: don´t bad-mouth Steve McQueen. Do you know any living Hollywood actor you´d like to have a beer with? Can´t think of any. McQueen was a man´s man (no homo again). Like John Wayne or Mitchum. Hell, even Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) is gay.

  12. eec May 20, 2013 at 3:18 pm #

    • sway May 20, 2013 at 7:19 pm #

      I appreciate the Chrono Trigger reference, but I don’t get the point of the video.

      • eec May 21, 2013 at 12:17 am #

        lolfag

  13. Probably wasn’t the best picture to use to prove the point. Charleton Heston looks emaciated. He probably starved himself to look like an authentic galley slave.

  14. Zack Hunter May 22, 2013 at 1:57 am #

    PCP for BREAKFAST

  15. emily May 22, 2013 at 11:42 am #

    this whole thing is insane. and sad.
    sort of incomprehensibly bad.

  16. nikolhasler May 23, 2013 at 11:51 am #

    Write something new. Make it not about getting drunk, your body, or fucking/wanting to fuck/not caring anymore. Just, fucking update this shit.

    • Anonymous May 24, 2013 at 7:54 pm #

      Agreed. He can’t write something new. That’s what his life is all about: getting drunk, his body, sex. Ok, unemployment, too. But that’s. fucking. it.

  17. Steven Flavell May 23, 2013 at 6:05 pm #

    I like the anger in your voice even if it is a little sexist. Reminds me of Chuck Palahniuk.

  18. K-hole May 25, 2013 at 4:21 pm #

    Everyone is so jacked these days, it’s so hard to compete. And fuck that stupid bitch.

  19. Dana September 2, 2013 at 10:40 am #

    you are really a just right webmaster. The site loading velocity is incredible.

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