Archive | June, 2013

Search Term Saturday: My Pet Horse Fucks My Ass

29 Jun

I knew that if I put a flipcam on top of an old can of hairspray, I’d get framing and lighting worthy of Kubrick.  Hat tip to UTB.

The Soap

28 Jun

lever 2000

There was thumping coming from the bathroom. Slow at first, then gradually faster, and then a big sound like a bundle of logs being dropped.

Where’s the soap? She called through the door.

I don’t know. Where is it usually?

The door creaked open and her head appeared, face slightly red. If it were where it is usually, she said, would I have asked you where it is?

Well it’s in there somewhere.

Are you sure sweetie?

Yeah, it has to be.

He stood up from the couch, walked over and stuck his head in the bathroom door. She was back looking in the cabinet under the sink now. Moving items around: toilet paper, baby powder, tampons. There was no available physical space large enough to be occupied by the 8-Pak of Lever 2000® Pure Rain™ bath bars she had instructed him to buy. But she kept looking anyway. Continue reading

Ass Eating

26 Jun

A girl was eating my ass. It was my first time. I had merely asked her to tickle my back but she misinterpreted this as wanting my ass eaten and being too shy to ask. 

It wasn’t quite arousing, but it was really just… sweet, gentle, and intimate. More about her long hair tickling my ass cheeks than the actual, you know, the tongue going in my asshole. She had eaten a mint or chewed strong gum beforehand.  I felt minty afterwards. 

I couldn’t help thinking about my shit that morning.  My second shit, which had spinach leaves in it.  I kept thinking: don’t let her go so deep that she eats my shit spinach.  Then thinking about spinach made me think about Popeye and I had to keep trying not to laugh thinking about Popeye shooting a thin stream of fire from his pipe to open a can of spinach, and then pounding the contents, and his biceps expanding and appearing to contain an old-timey factory with dancing smokestacks that produced tanks which then shot Bluto in the face. I kept thinking what if she ate a piece of my ass spinach and turned into Popeye.

Anyway.

Hangover Diary

25 Jun
image stolen from thebenefitsofgivingupalcohol.wordpress.com

image stolen from thebenefitsofgivingupalcohol.wordpress.com

Well fuck shit ass penis Jew cunt. I have to clean the fucking house. I am hung over as fuck from drinking bad wine and smoking cigarettes. I want to crawl into a fucking hole and die. A filthy hole crawling with house centipedes. I will have to bleach the toilet. I fucking hate bleaching the toilet. I hate all responsibility. I do nothing all day every day and that is too god damn much. I have no obligations and a very small space to maintain and yet I need a fucking maid. Continue reading

Diary: The Big Date

23 Jun
nervous first date

image stolen from davidwygant.com

This chick, this OKCupid chick, this smarmy feminist comedian chick, is she going to confirm our non-alcoholic day date and why do I give fuck except I’m curious. Why is it always like this. Days before the date I’m secretly hoping they’ll flake, secretly thinking I’ll just go out to some swimming pool and take my shirt off and get younger, better looking pussy. And then once I send a text to confirm I’m biting my nails thinking omigod she’ll never actually go out with me she’s way too cool for me she hangs out with a bunch of professional comedians and famous people and needs a guy with a job the same or better as hers omigod I’ll die alone; the cat will eat my tender eyeballs first. Continue reading

Product Review: Safeway® “Nighttime Sleep” Mini Caplets

21 Jun

guy sleeping on pc

I’ve done a lot of heroin. Not just our schwag L.A. black tar, either; I’ve done white powder pinched off a brick from Philly before it got sent on to New York; great shit from little packets with brand names on them– Kisses, Lightning Bolts, whateverthefuck. Perfect cream-colored powder that leaves a subtle nutty, flowery taste in the back of your throat as you walk out in the rain and the drops caressing your collarbone feel like the hands of a beautiful young maiden and you could just sit down and soak in the water for hours, and it’s forty fucking degrees. I’ve eaten, sniffed and smoked potentially lethal quantities of vicodin, oxycodone, percoset, percodan, MS contin in those green pills where you have to chew off the time release coating; lorazepam, diazepam, quaaludes, klonopin, atavan, phenobarbitol, so many pills that sound like a racists’s concept of African American names; washed them all down with gut-searing quantities of cheap hard liquor and I stayed standing through every motherfucking one of them. But one half of one Safeway® Nighttime Sleep Mini Caplet will knock me out like a kick from a fucking horse and I will spend the next day feeling like the god of sleep is pushing my face down into the keyboard with big meaty hands. This shit is a god damn atomic weapon of drugs and should probably be banned.

It’s the same ingredient as Nytol®, Sominex®, Benadryl®, Tylenol® PM–  Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride– and each of them comes packaged in a pill that’s 25 milligrams. The recommended dose is two full pills. Two full pills would put a fucking family of blue whales into a six month coma. One whole pill will obliterate a the cumulative buzz of twelve hours worth of speedy cocaine, will swat aside 30 milligrams of Adderall XR like Tyson uppercutting Ruth Bader Ginsburg. This drug is incomprehensibly powerful and I don’t understand how thousands of people aren’t dying from it when one fourth of the recommended dosage will put a grade A heavyweight such as myself right on his ass.

How is this shit sold in Safeway, and how the fuck is the recommended dose enough to poison an entire city’s water supply? Just what the fuck is going on here? You can’t buy trucker speed anymore, you can’t even buy herbal ephedra. Armored men with M16’s will tackle an old lady to the ground and shoot her dog if she sprouts two pot plants in her living room window. But something that, taken as instructed, can send you into a twenty hour deathtrance, is readily advertised on TV.

Stay away from this shit. It’s insane. Stick with safer stuff, like China White blasted into your forearm with some gaunt skid row zombie’s filthy works.

In conclusion: one and a half stars

Reader Mailbag: Ten Million Dollars

18 Jun

Another one from Justin:

You just won 10 million dollars, how will you spend it?

Honestly I’d do the most boring shit imaginable, which is invest it for a 2 per cent return and live high off the hog with half that, a hundred grand a year. The other half I would give to foster kids. The group home Nikol works with. I would give them books and computers and a pool. The pool would never be used because all the foster kids are black. FUCK YOU FOR CALLING ME RACIST I GIVE HALF MY INCOME TO GOD DAMN FOSTER KIDS.

When I fantasize about having money it’s never about boats and cars and whores. I like my car, which cost me $1200. It’s a 1979 diesel Mercedes just like my last one and if it breaks I will buy another 1979 diesel Mercedes. The fucking thing just looks cool. New cars are stupid. They lack character. Continue reading

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