Archive | June, 2013

Search Term Saturday: My Pet Horse Fucks My Ass

29 Jun

I knew that if I put a flipcam on top of an old can of hairspray, I’d get framing and lighting worthy of Kubrick.  Hat tip to UTB.

The Soap

28 Jun

lever 2000

There was thumping coming from the bathroom. Slow at first, then gradually faster, and then a big sound like a bundle of logs being dropped.

Where’s the soap? She called through the door.

I don’t know. Where is it usually?

The door creaked open and her head appeared, face slightly red. If it were where it is usually, she said, would I have asked you where it is?

Well it’s in there somewhere.

Are you sure sweetie?

Yeah, it has to be.

He stood up from the couch, walked over and stuck his head in the bathroom door. She was back looking in the cabinet under the sink now. Moving items around: toilet paper, baby powder, tampons. There was no available physical space large enough to be occupied by the 8-Pak of Lever 2000® Pure Rain™ bath bars she had instructed him to buy. But she kept looking anyway. Continue reading

Ass Eating

26 Jun

A girl was eating my ass. It was my first time. I had merely asked her to tickle my back but she misinterpreted this as wanting my ass eaten and being too shy to ask. 

It wasn’t quite arousing, but it was really just… sweet, gentle, and intimate. More about her long hair tickling my ass cheeks than the actual, you know, the tongue going in my asshole. She had eaten a mint or chewed strong gum beforehand.  I felt minty afterwards. 

I couldn’t help thinking about my shit that morning.  My second shit, which had spinach leaves in it.  I kept thinking: don’t let her go so deep that she eats my shit spinach.  Then thinking about spinach made me think about Popeye and I had to keep trying not to laugh thinking about Popeye shooting a thin stream of fire from his pipe to open a can of spinach, and then pounding the contents, and his biceps expanding and appearing to contain an old-timey factory with dancing smokestacks that produced tanks which then shot Bluto in the face. I kept thinking what if she ate a piece of my ass spinach and turned into Popeye.

Anyway.

Hangover Diary

25 Jun
image stolen from thebenefitsofgivingupalcohol.wordpress.com

image stolen from thebenefitsofgivingupalcohol.wordpress.com

Well fuck shit ass penis Jew cunt. I have to clean the fucking house. I am hung over as fuck from drinking bad wine and smoking cigarettes. I want to crawl into a fucking hole and die. A filthy hole crawling with house centipedes. I will have to bleach the toilet. I fucking hate bleaching the toilet. I hate all responsibility. I do nothing all day every day and that is too god damn much. I have no obligations and a very small space to maintain and yet I need a fucking maid. Continue reading

Diary: The Big Date

23 Jun
nervous first date

image stolen from davidwygant.com

This chick, this OKCupid chick, this smarmy feminist comedian chick, is she going to confirm our non-alcoholic day date and why do I give fuck except I’m curious. Why is it always like this. Days before the date I’m secretly hoping they’ll flake, secretly thinking I’ll just go out to some swimming pool and take my shirt off and get younger, better looking pussy. And then once I send a text to confirm I’m biting my nails thinking omigod she’ll never actually go out with me she’s way too cool for me she hangs out with a bunch of professional comedians and famous people and needs a guy with a job the same or better as hers omigod I’ll die alone; the cat will eat my tender eyeballs first. Continue reading

Product Review: Safeway® “Nighttime Sleep” Mini Caplets

21 Jun

guy sleeping on pc

I’ve done a lot of heroin. Not just our schwag L.A. black tar, either; I’ve done white powder pinched off a brick from Philly before it got sent on to New York; great shit from little packets with brand names on them– Kisses, Lightning Bolts, whateverthefuck. Perfect cream-colored powder that leaves a subtle nutty, flowery taste in the back of your throat as you walk out in the rain and the drops caressing your collarbone feel like the hands of a beautiful young maiden and you could just sit down and soak in the water for hours, and it’s forty fucking degrees. I’ve eaten, sniffed and smoked potentially lethal quantities of vicodin, oxycodone, percoset, percodan, MS contin in those green pills where you have to chew off the time release coating; lorazepam, diazepam, quaaludes, klonopin, atavan, phenobarbitol, so many pills that sound like a racists’s concept of African American names; washed them all down with gut-searing quantities of cheap hard liquor and I stayed standing through every motherfucking one of them. But one half of one Safeway® Nighttime Sleep Mini Caplet will knock me out like a kick from a fucking horse and I will spend the next day feeling like the god of sleep is pushing my face down into the keyboard with big meaty hands. This shit is a god damn atomic weapon of drugs and should probably be banned.

It’s the same ingredient as Nytol®, Sominex®, Benadryl®, Tylenol® PM–  Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride– and each of them comes packaged in a pill that’s 25 milligrams. The recommended dose is two full pills. Two full pills would put a fucking family of blue whales into a six month coma. One whole pill will obliterate a the cumulative buzz of twelve hours worth of speedy cocaine, will swat aside 30 milligrams of Adderall XR like Tyson uppercutting Ruth Bader Ginsburg. This drug is incomprehensibly powerful and I don’t understand how thousands of people aren’t dying from it when one fourth of the recommended dosage will put a grade A heavyweight such as myself right on his ass.

How is this shit sold in Safeway, and how the fuck is the recommended dose enough to poison an entire city’s water supply? Just what the fuck is going on here? You can’t buy trucker speed anymore, you can’t even buy herbal ephedra. Armored men with M16’s will tackle an old lady to the ground and shoot her dog if she sprouts two pot plants in her living room window. But something that, taken as instructed, can send you into a twenty hour deathtrance, is readily advertised on TV.

Stay away from this shit. It’s insane. Stick with safer stuff, like China White blasted into your forearm with some gaunt skid row zombie’s filthy works.

In conclusion: one and a half stars

Reader Mailbag: Ten Million Dollars

18 Jun

Another one from Justin:

You just won 10 million dollars, how will you spend it?

Honestly I’d do the most boring shit imaginable, which is invest it for a 2 per cent return and live high off the hog with half that, a hundred grand a year. The other half I would give to foster kids. The group home Nikol works with. I would give them books and computers and a pool. The pool would never be used because all the foster kids are black. FUCK YOU FOR CALLING ME RACIST I GIVE HALF MY INCOME TO GOD DAMN FOSTER KIDS.

When I fantasize about having money it’s never about boats and cars and whores. I like my car, which cost me $1200. It’s a 1979 diesel Mercedes just like my last one and if it breaks I will buy another 1979 diesel Mercedes. The fucking thing just looks cool. New cars are stupid. They lack character. Continue reading

Facebook White Trash-off

14 Jun

richarddawsonfeud

Nikol and I invented a sport where we battle with our families’ facebook statuses to see who’s bigger white trash.

When my cousin was told by her pastor that facebook was the devil’s work and left, I thought my career was over. No more would I see a picture of an Orang Utan palming its face accompanied by a quote from Ecclisiastes.  But my other cousin who became a grandmother at 28 stepped up:

ROUND 1

The Haslers

Welp…the kids and I have been doin’ yard pickup…while as usual the hub has been in his usual place on the couch tipping his best friend and favorite beverage back. I’ve had enough of him, his lies, his tipping back…if he does not make changes in a week, I see him on his own and the kiddos and me making a whole new world for ourselves. Enough is enough, yep I keep it real and that’s where I’m at; any questions

The Tacos

for all you nosey no life of ur own idiots that live on here to gossip… i was set up last night and refused to sell people out so i was arrested. the charges are crap and from my stand point if you have nothing better to do then recommend trash and post it about me then go fuck yourselves and each other !!!!!!! too bad you have nothing better to do or to worry about. but god dont like ugly and neither do i so best of luck to you all. this karma will bite your asses…. i promise
2 people like this.
(REDACTED) You go girl! People need to mind there own fucken business and worry about the shit in their own back yard…. To everyone out there remember the saying “If you aint got anything good to say, dont say anything at all” And another thing (REDACTED) is innocent un-till proven guilty….

Reader Mailbag: Superpower

13 Jun

zod1

“Justin” writes:

Suggestion: One super-power you could have for 24 hours. What would it be, and why? What would you do with it? etc.

Well.

I remember my buddy, my best friend from like 13 to 15, telling me a fantasy he had. He had just seen Superman 2. He would jerk off thinking that he was General Zod. A guy from another planet walking around in a black pleather jumpsuit who could just point at anyone he wanted and demand that they fuck him. Or else he would throw a car at their grandmother or something.

And I laughed because I jerked off to the exact same thing. Being General Zod. Wearing the same black getup and walking the Earth with my sinister British accent, and pointing at girls, like, my classmates on the field hockey field, and just beckoning them to the side of some building where they’d have to bend over and I’d penetrate them on the mulch and rhododendrons. Probably the school groundskeeper would mutter and shake his head, having to rerake the peat moss he’d just smoothed over that morning.

There’s something so erotic about that idea. I know, it’s rape, but let’s admit that we all jerk off to rape. And this is not crudely pinning some drunk college girl’s wrists behind her head on a mildewy fraternity basement couch. You picture the girl’s loins getting all juicy just out of fear and awe of you. Wanting you in spite of herself. Her own traitor womb commanding her to take your seed. Allison from algebra not looking at you as the dork you were, but as some kind of god.

Later he revealed he was gay and I was actually the person getting bent over in his reverie. The whole thing  became really weird. So, I choose invisibility.

Suggestion Box

13 Jun

suggestion box

I know, I know. I haven’t posted in five days.

I’m not dead.  I am simply out of ideas. I have been living a clean and productive life, which means I think and feel nothing.

If you have ideas you would like to see fleshed out in an essay filled with the word “fuck,” or if you want advice from broke, unemployed person incapable of human relationships, or if you have a short story idea or something, please post in the comments or email me from the “Contact” sidebar.

Otherwise normal programming will resume as soon as I relapse into whoring and hard drug abuse.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 248 other followers