Women: Why Don’t You Read When You Shit?

22 Aug

 woneb's colege duke

image stolen from flickr user “Lesley Looper.”

Or do you? Is it just every woman I know who doesn’t? I’ll be out with a girl. A real she-bro with whom I can talk honestly. She’ll remark that she has to take a shit. An odd choice, the “social hours” shit– the wise person knows to train his body for the morning one-two punch: shit/shower. If your schedule is off, sleep holding it in. Let your bowels marinate a fuming hot sauce log. Suffer dreams of goblins gutting you with hot knives. With one night’s pain you reset the clock. You buy the ultimate human achievement: blissful ass purge followed by the hot womb of the steam. Every day. A perfectly clean asshole. Think of it like beating jet lag.

But anyway, a girl will say she has to shit. I’ll wait for her outside the can. One minute later she emerges. Ah, I say. You opted to just piss and wait for a home toilet. I like your moves.

No, she says. I took a shit.

A shit! In one minute! A rushed rabbit shit. A third world peasant shit, squatting over a hole in a war zone. Even if we’re not out. Even in her home, it takes one minute. How is this possible, I say. Don’t you read in there? Don’t you draw it out a little, so all the shit gets purged from your ass?

Blank stare. What? Read?

Yes! READ! Men, you know of what I speak. Life is hard. Drudgery. Loneliness. Agony. Death. But every day there is one bright window through which the light of a loving God shines. The donut seat warming to your ass. The first trumpet of a fart. The hot stinging hulk shambling through your bowels. The clean rustle of pages as you crack open your shitbook. The wise man has selected only the best material. Never trust a man with bad books on his toilet tank. Charles Bukowski. Michel Houellebecq. The Bible. The World’s Most Dangerous Places by Robert Young Pelton– the ne plus ultra of shitbooks. Joan Didion essays. Alice Munro stories if you want to get emotional. The dreadnaught spears through your asshole and launches. Torpedo in the water. The splash. Cold mist kisses your taint. Your mind perks up. Opens. Truth and insight rush in like kids on Christmas morning.

It doesn’t have to be first thing. Some men prefer the workshit. I do not endorse this but I understand it. The man who workshits is reclaiming his humanity, for a brief breath of his oppressed day. He is saying: I am not a machine. I am a man. No indignity can take this from me. On his 50 foot walk with newspaper in hand, he is McQueen leaping the fence on the Triumph. He too will draw his shit out, for freedom. I don’t endorse, but I understand. You sacrifice a sparkling clean asshole. But you get: yeah I’m taking a shit, bossman, and you are paying me for it. And what I’m about to deliver is professional grade.

mcqueen jump

In any case, he is reading. The bold man walks to the work shitter with newspaper proudly in hand. Not all of us have this hero’s courage. But fear not! In this golden age your phone, smaller than a cassette tape, contains more knowledge than the Library of Alexandria. Open Wikipedia. Study the Dead Sea Scrolls. Explore the sex lives of Pygmies. Journey into the strange past of Willem Dafoe. The world of learning lies before you. Even the guy shitting in the Port-o-San at the music festival as hippies pound on the doors: he’s reading in there. To do otherwise would be sacrilege.

But no woman I’ve ever known reads while she shits.

Our anatomy is different, you say. It’s just a body function for us. Men like to shit because of the prostate. You have a gland in there that pleases you when something rubs it. No. I know sexual ass pleasure. I know the feeling of a college girl’s spat upon pinky grinding my colon as her other hand twirls on my meatpipe. This is not it. I am not getting reverse sodomized by my own log. If shit hit my prostate that hard I’d be spraying loads every time I dropped a deuce. How dare you profane the spiritual joy of a shit by comparing it to a mere sex act.

It’s not sexual. It’s that shitting is good for your body. Therefore your body makes it feel good. Women, does it not? If no, a cruel God has cheated you. You truly are a stunted sex, and your flesh is punishment. The old religions were right. You are chattel, property. No better than the beasts of the fields, and your rights should be accorded thusly.

This cannot be so. But it sure seems like you don’t enjoy it. Like you don’t even think about it. I remember when Oprah had a special episode with a shit doctor for a guest. It is important, Oprah told America, to look in the bowl after you shit. See if your stools are healthy. Whatever men were watching were aghast. This was like saying: it’s important to give your children food, and water. You mean you weren’t already? When my shit is done, when the last jagged scraps of once-burrito are ready to mingle with Osama’s ashes, OF COURSE I fucking look. I nod reverentially. Say a few lines from Ozymandias. Flush proudly. Solemnly. Know that this day I have at least made one great thing.

oprah dr. oz

A healthy shit sets a tone for your body. All day it will perform as nature intended. The words you read while you shit set a tone for your mind. It is only when the two align that you commune with the spirit. What do you do with such a gift? You expand it. Draw it out. Gather as much understanding as you can. Lean in and convulse until the last dingleberry is expurged. For a few shining moments, you are free. Why do you take so long in there, you say. I shake my head. Savage creature, how could you not understand.

I choose to believe that this is not a biological difference. That your oppression is not cast in stone. I choose to believe we can shit together as equals. And we must. While my sisters are not free, I am not free. Take my hand, Rosie the Shit Riveter. Take up a copy of Gillian Flynn or whateverthefuck you’re into. Open your ass. Open your mind. Join me.

Heaven awaits.

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26 Responses to “Women: Why Don’t You Read When You Shit?”

  1. You're a faggot. August 22, 2013 at 7:13 pm #

    Fucking. Hilarious.

    • BB753 August 27, 2013 at 5:25 am #

      Nice ice-breaker, as well!

  2. shitter August 22, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

    I have a vagina and at least 80% of the time I read while shitting.

    I thought everyone did???

    • DT Fan #5 August 22, 2013 at 8:43 pm #

      Yeah, I don’t know where DT got the idea women don’t read on the shitter. Plenty of people read on the shitter; plenty of people don’t. Some of them are men; some of them are women. However there are many women-hating men who read this blog, and saying women don’t read (on the shitter) will get more pageviews. Sexism sells.

  3. Mondo August 22, 2013 at 8:24 pm #

    I enjoy shitting at work because of a great app I use that- in real time- calculates what my employer is paying for me to pinch off the daily loaf. A year of daily shitter visits is quite expensive, I’ve come to find.

  4. Bigoldbag August 22, 2013 at 8:46 pm #

    I cried from laughter. Thank you.

  5. Pill Scout (@pillscout) August 22, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

    That part about shit mingling with Osama’s ashes was haunting, a soothing song to the soul.

  6. Anonymous August 22, 2013 at 10:08 pm #

    Female, shit & read here too. Best part of my day.

  7. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn August 22, 2013 at 10:09 pm #

    “The bold man walks to the work shitter with newspaper proudly in hand. Not all of us have this hero’s courage.”

    You’ve been working in a cubicle too long.

    This is horrible, I shouldn’t be telling stories like this. It makes us look bad, but what you have to understand is that working in construction is kind of like being in the 13th grade. There are no women around you have to worry about offending. There is no human resources department you have to worry about being reported to. There is no productivity control department or whatever it is that large corporations use to make sure they’re extracting the most amount of work out of you for the least amount of compensation. As long as the job gets done on time and under budget, and nobody gets seriously injured or killed, pretty much nobody gives a fuck how you behave except your foreman and your crew pusher. And they’re only 2 guys.

    With this understanding you can imagine that work shits on a construction site have the potential to get out of hand. Now on a large site, say, a 30 or 40 story high rise, what they’ll do to accomodate all the guys is the plumbers will run a shitpipe straight up first thing, then they’ll set a temporary toilet on each floor. After that the Carpenters’ll come by and slap a few pieces of sheetrock up around it and you got yourselves a little make shift bathroom. I worked with this kid one time who would take a shit religiously every morning after coffee break, worst fucking time you can pick to take a shit cause there’s 100 other guys on the job who just got done drinking 20oz. coffees and eating scrapple, egg and cheese sandwiches.

    Anyway, he refused to shit on a warm toilet seat. It was too intimate for him, like doing ass to ass with some 250lb Ironworker. So what he would do was he would walk from floor to floor checking all the toilet seats like Goldilocks til he found one that was cold. This motherfucker would walk with his asshole clenched fifteen floors up from where we were working to find a suitable toilet seat if he had to. Then he would sit in there for a half an hour and draw elaborate caricatures of dudes on the job he didn’t like on the fucking walls. He was good too, he was a pretty prolific graffitti writer in his spare time, so he knew how to draw. He made the indsides of these bathrooms look like fucking MAD magazine. He was fucking brilliant. We worked with this swarthier-looking Italian dude, Rocco, people used to break his balls by calling him Osama. He would get fucking heated. Darker skinned Italians HATE being mistaken for spics and ragheads. If you ever want to start a fight with one just ask him if he’s Puerto Rican. So this kid would draw pictures of the guy with a turban on and explosives all strapped to his chest like a suicide bomber, you know. Then over the pictures real big he’d write ROCCO with an arrow pointing down at it. You could always tell where one of these cartoons had been because there’d be a huge hole in the sheetrock where Rocco came by with a hammer and smashed it out. It was funny. i guess you had to be there.

    Everybody else wrote in them too, the inside of port-o-potties or bathrooms on a construction site look like the comments section of youtube. Kinda like public bathrooms in a bar. People go back and forth flaming eachother. Writing work related poems. If you’re an aspiring comedian just visit some job sites and read the bathroom walls, you’ll have material for days.

    • Stephen August 22, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

      I too know what it’s like to be a dark skinned Italian on a construction site. They called me Akmed. Sons of bitches.

  8. Bob Marley August 23, 2013 at 12:59 am #

    I didn’t fully absorb the depths of this article, so I guess I’ll have to read it again on the shitter.

  9. Jimmy Carl August 23, 2013 at 8:06 am #

    “Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!” Perfect…

  10. emily August 23, 2013 at 7:10 pm #

    i dont read when i shit–because it’s gauche–at best. shitting slowly, i think, hmmm:
    it is actually not a past time–but a symptom.

    when i sit down in someone else’s bathroom and see bulk reading material–i think immediately that they have dysfunctional shitting. oh this constipated maladjust. he/she has spent more time buffering the pain than eliminating the problem. shitting should be efficient–like all biology. when it isn’t–then that is your body telling you to fix it. not adapt to/set decorate/or accessorize the god damn problem.

    DT changed my mind about this by telling me that shitting was orgasmic for men by citing some thing about the colon and their stimulus specific to men–i don’t know. i didnt know that. if it’s true–whatever it was. so you (men) actually want to prolong it–that would change my mind.

    all western AND eastern doctors would locate an ailment @ inefficient shitting–but if it has a pleasure base–then so be it. enjoy.

    I cant speak for WOMEN. but for myself. i keep my bathroom clean. i dont enjoy cleaning. i like to limit the time spent doing shit (shitting) that makes bathrooms need cleaning–and–in general–to move on.
    i like to read books in the bathtub and/or hot springs. something during which, i want to erase time–take longer–the way that reading gifts us with.

    who knows.

    • fucking shutup already August 24, 2013 at 10:33 am #

      ugh, you always write such fucking drivel. you do know DT makes fun of you, right?

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn August 26, 2013 at 8:42 pm #

      You don’t know what constipation is, maaan. You can’t truly appreciate the pleasure of taking a shit until, bowels numbed from dope, you go close to a month without taking one and get so impacted you wind up having to go to the hospital. And to add to the embarrassment you used to hook up with the girl who x rays your shit-stuffed intestines.

      • DT Fan #7 August 27, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

        “And to add to the embarrassment you used to hook up with the girl who x rays your shit-stuffed intestines.”

        Hey at least you got laid. Gotta look at the bright side.

      • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn September 5, 2013 at 6:20 pm #

        I never fucked her, I just hooked up with her once or twice. We used to hang out in the same circles. It wouldn’t have been worth it even if I did, it was the one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. Painful and humiliating. I am not exaggerating when I say I didn’t shit for close to a month. When you’re strung out like I was, ripping and running, you have no time to worry about trivial matters like bowel movements. It probably took me around two weeks to even realize I hadn’t been shitting. Maybe I’ll write the story, it’s pretty funny now, in retrospect. The whole emergency room ordeal.

        Things like that and waaaay worse are why I’m in a twelve step program. DT likes to trash twelve step programs, like we’re all just a bunch of pissy, bitter whiners who can’t handle our drinking and drugs. What he maybe doesn’t realize is that most people in the rooms have been to fucking hell and back. I’ve been close to death a few times, and still my story ain’t shit compared to a lot of people’s.

        Maybe I was being a dick with my comments when DT had his brief dark period there for awhile, kind of dipping his toes into the whirpool of all-consuming addiction, but he deserved it. He had his fucking head up his ass. No idea. Those posts just pissed me off reading them.

  11. Little Miss S August 24, 2013 at 4:17 am #

    I SO do. I always bring my iPad into the bathroom. But then I clean it with an antiseptic wipe afterwards.

  12. misslistless August 27, 2013 at 2:46 pm #

    I’ve had this discussion many times, and I actually have a theory. Women don’t read, or take as long to shit, because sitting on the toilet isn’t a novelty for us. We get to sit every time we pee, which is multiple times a day. Meanwhile, dudes get to sit on the toilet like, once a day, so it feels like a luxury. Just my two cents.

    • Little Miss S August 28, 2013 at 4:49 am #

      That is so insightful!

  13. aneroidocean August 27, 2013 at 4:53 pm #

    1-person bathrooms at work are the best thing ever. Run the hot water in the sink, reach over and get your folded toilet paper sprinkled with hot water and as it’s the right REALLY warm temperature when it hits your ass it feels OH SO NICE like a hot sponge bath for your asshole. You end up with a squeaky clean ass AND you stick it to the man.

    Best of both worlds.

  14. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn September 5, 2013 at 6:29 pm #

    Marc Maron sums it up pretty well the first ten minutes of this podcast. You probably don’t want to listen to it after that cause that Alex Guarnaschelli chick is fucking boring. She’s very ahhh… classy, though, I’ll give her that.

    http://www.wtfpod.com/podcast/episodes/episode_414_-_alex_guarnaschelli

  15. Anonymous January 4, 2014 at 2:07 pm #

    Shitting is beautiful. Shitting is divine. This is universal truth.

    This post needs to be under “BEST OF.”

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