I got it from a cheating ex, they say. In the 50’s girls would say they broke their hymen horseback riding. They fell on their cunt jumping over a fence. I got it from a cheating ex. Look, I know you got it from a third rate bass player in a bar toilet. I don’t give a shit. You think if I had a pussy I wouldn’t be fucking everything on two legs? Good for you. But that’s the one lie. Otherwise they’re real up front. Listen, I have herpes. I get outbreaks about once a year. When I get sick. Sometimes it kicks up when I shave. Yes, it hurts. Anyway, would you ever sleep with me?
Sorry. Fuck no.
It’s too bad, because it’s bullshit on my part. Hypocrisy. I yap on and on about how STD’s aren’t a real threat. I rawdog everyone; I encourage everyone else to do the same. I’m sure I’ve fucked many, many people infected with the herpes virus. We all have it, they say. Or, fifty per cent of sexually active people have it. Which must mean me. The difference is, they have some flaw in their immune system that gives them outbreaks. I don’t. Fifty per cent– this feels like bullshit. Paranoid prigs trying to take the fun out of sex. If half of everyone has it, it can’t be a big deal, right?
Am I gonna put my money where my mouth is? Fuck no.
And it’s my loss. Because the girls with herpes are the coolest girls. I love me a filthy gutter skank. A woman who knows how the game is played. I had a date with a 25 year old Cambodian who was smart and interesting and projected Jean-Luc Godard movies on the wall while we got naked. Who knew: on mute, with no subtitles, his shit isn’t so bad. She wouldn’t let me touch her pussy. I have herpes, she said. She knew a bunch of my old friends, it turned out. Worked on cool art projects with them. I would have dated her. A keeper. I have herpes, she said. She did not say it was a cheating ex. She was too smart for that. I never called her again.
I’m sure I fuck a ton of girls with herpes. But I punish the good ones for not lying. For doing the right thing. Not only are they cool, always. Not only are they the exact sort of bohemian libertine I want to date. But they do the right thing and they take the hit for it. That’s balls. A person who suffers for honesty– that’s what “hero” means. Would you ever fuck this hero? Fuck no.
Who knows though. Are they really cooler than other girls, or do they just have to work for it? A girl with herpes will send you the first OKCupid message. It will be something funny, interesting. Her profile won’t be boilerplate. It will actually tell you things about her. Show a sense of humor. She’ll jump on IM with you and shoot the shit, have real conversations. She will make the first move. Ask you out. Ask if you’d ever sleep with her.
In short, she’ll behave like a man. And if she can show herself to be cool enough, you’ll think about it. If she pitches you a cool date. If she makes you laugh. If she’s perfectly pretty and into the exact same books and movies and music…. if there is just no way you could stand not to meet her. See what I’m saying? You become a woman. There is a HUGE reason never to meet this person and she has to come up with a thousand tiny ways to pick away at it. You’re gonna put every little cool thing about her one one side of the scale and the huge heavy lump of HERPES on the other and 99 times out of a hundred she’ll be found wanting. She’s to you what you are to every other woman. A leper.
This is what equality looks like. Cool, attractive women having to try. Men blowing them off in spite of everything. Because of fear, because of bullshit danger you read about on the internet, because of the idea that once you’re with this person you are marked. This is what role reversal looks like. And men: this is what it takes to put you on equal footing, in the dating world. You’re about as valuable as a woman who has painful weeping sores on her cunt. Everything else you are, everything you do, might just barely make up for this. Leper.
Except for a few of us, men all have to fight for it. We’re all lepers. But so are older women. Ugly women. I would say fat women, but everyone messages fat women for a quick gutter fuck. They get love. But all men, all women over 40, all girls with overbites, underbites, big chin small nose, big nose small chin, over-large proto-hominid forehead, acne…. everyone who is not a cute young woman is a fuck leper. Our entire society is geared toward giving pretty young women a free and easy life in exchange for the hope of pussy. We are all peasants to cute girls’ Marie Antoinette.
Still. I take no joy seeing them carted to the guillotine.