AAAAHHH money money money money money. Relax. You have enough to pay the credit card bill. OKCupid coaching will pay enough to register the car. Unemployment will come through. You can bill work for leads. Everything will be fine. Except it won’t because you have no god damn money. You have no god damn money. Your credit is destroyed and there is no way you will get a job, ever. Ever. You worked beneath your talents for eight years and this is what it got you. Nothing. You saved nothing, learned nothing. You were miserable for nothing. Now you are miserable for less than nothing.
Let me say this again: there are no jobs out there. Back in Spring when I didn’t want to work, I still dutifully applied. I applied for jobs for which I am fully qualified, overqualified. I took care on my resume and cover letter. I have hired people; I know to keep it short. Nothing. I had one interview, a group interview. A Beverly Hills residential Realtor™, a white man the color of an Irish Setter, made 20 of us complete 2 hours worth of tasks that simulated being his assistant. Other than that it was finance scams. One interview– no, one group bake-off– for over a hundred resumes. And I’m good.
I got a check via UPS for $2885 from the woman who hired me to be her secretary. Don’t worry, I didn’t bite. It was cut from a scientific equipment company in San Jose, labeled from a woman who runs a mortuary school in Ohio, return address of a cookie factory in the Bronx. My instructions were to convert most of it into prepaid Green Dot® Moneypak® cards and relay the PIN numbers to my new boss, a traveling photographer. These are all real people. I found them all, called them all. Told them they were being used in a Nigerian 419 scam. Reported it to the FBI who told me to report it to the Postal Inspector who told me to hang up and put it in their web site which told me: thanks and now nothing happens. I called UPS. They told me the account number belongs to the “Shamrock Company,” which oddly does not exist. How can no one have ever founded the “Shamrock Company.” Seems like a home run in South Boston.
The remaining balance should be used to buy Greendot MoneyPak Card worth of $2150 at Walmart store, Walgreen or Rite aide. I needed it to plan for my next Photo exhibition and Organize our next teachings on Photography coming up in Las Vegas, Nevada. This will be coming up next Thursday but I need to book the event because there are limited space available, which means I have only few days to be used in Phillipines. So i will need you to get the GREENDOT MoneyPak cards and have the pins sent to me as soon as you get it from the store. I will need it to complete the booking from here, kindly understand that you will be buying three cards worth $1000, $1000 and $150 if you are purchasing at Walmart store but other stores have a maximum value of $500 which means you will buy four of that and $150.
I did not deposit the check and use the “float” time before it bounced to pay my credit card bill and register my car. I did not attempt to cash t at a 24 hour check cashing place. But I thought about it.
I also attempted to extort my scammer out of ten grand. I told him his kid in the Bronx would get popped off UPS store security footage. That I knew the president of Nigeria (Goodluck Jonathan, thanks Wikipedia) and that I would have his family hacked up in Lagos. I accused him of fucking zebras. I addressed him as “Okonkwo” and made inflammatory remarks about his region’s literacy and HIV rates. I was drunk.
Still, the next day I received further urgent instructions about the money.
I knew it had to be a scam at the second email. Just the English alone. I knew but I didn’t believe in my gut. Because I had hope. Because I needed it so bad. They made me fill out an “interview!” Perfect bullshit HR boilerplate, and I answered each question professionally like the idiotic jerkoff I am. I kept trying because what if.
### What made you decide to apply for this job?
### Tell me about yourself and your last/current job/class?
### If I call your previous employer or references what are they likely to tell me in regards to your dependability/attendance?
### Tell me about a time when you demonstrated your trustworthiness or integrity in school or at work?
### Tell me about a time when you had to go above and beyond the call of duty to get a job done?
### Give me an example of a time when you had set a goal for yourself and tell me how you went about accomplishing it?
### Give me an example of a time when you were able to successfully communicate with another person even when that individual may not have personally liked you (or vice versa)?
### Describe a difficult workplace situation that you faced, and that you think you handled well. Then, tell me about a workplace situation that you don’t think you handled very well and what you could do differently?
### How many sick days have you taken from work in the past year?
So when I got the email asking for the money cards it still hurt. When I held the check it hurt, just looking at the number. It still hurts. I had hope. I was fucking stupid. It fucking hurts and I’m scared. I’m almost forty years old and I will have to borrow money from my mother. Jesus Christ, I’m too old to even suck dick.
Where are you, Okonkwo. Why did you do this to me. You didn’t take my money but you took my heart. And to the rest of you Craigslist employers too. Why can’t one of you be real and why can’t one of you real ones call me the fuck back. Dirty AIDS-ridden zebrafuckers.