OKCupid Opener of the Day: Rush

29 May
image stolen from musicblogfunpartytime.wordpress.com

image stolen from musicblogfunpartytime.wordpress.com

Let me pitch you an idea.
We’ve set a date.  Your doorbell rings. It’s me.  I am dressed nicely. Perhaps holding a bouquet.  Peonies– nothing too suggestive.  You approve of my shoes.  You’re like “Hi!”  And I’m like:
(BEGINS BEATBOXING “TOM SAWYER” AT INCREDIBLE VOLUME, ROCKING OUT LIKE AN ASTEROID IS ABOUT TO HIT THE EARTH AND PERFECTLY– I MEAN *PERFECTLY*– PANTOMIMING NEIL PEART’S FILLS)
And you’re like “wow, that’s pretty impressive! Would you like to come i–” and I’m like:
(VOCALS KICK IN AND I JUST GO OFF IN GEDDY LEE’S CANADIAN GRANNY VOICE “MODUHN DAY WARRIUH MEAN MEAN STRIIIIIIIIDE….” MEANWHILE I AM STILL PERFECTLY PANTOMIMING THE DRUMS)
And you’re like “holy shit, you’re really good at that, should we get goin–” and I’m like
(DUH NUH NUH NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH AND I JUST KEEP GOING THROUGH AN EXTENDED SYNTH SOLO AND ETC.  You get the idea.  Meanwhile the neighbors have come out and you’re maybe a little apprehensive but also, you can’t resist feeling the music in your bones.  Beginning to move.  Shake your head.  Dance in the only awkward way it is possible to dance to Rush.  When it finally ends you are exhausted.  Dripping with sweat.  Spent.  But changed. From this moment you will live each day as though it were you last.)
The song finishes.  I hand you the peonies.  Turn around and leave silently.

How about it.
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11 Responses to “OKCupid Opener of the Day: Rush”

  1. Soinclined May 29, 2014 at 2:48 pm #

    The only dilemma I see is demographic. The age range of chicks you generally want to bone wouldn’t get the reference.

  2. Anony-fucking-mous May 29, 2014 at 11:21 pm #

    I didn’t laugh. I don’t know what that means about this post, me, you, or the rest of my life… but I didn’t laugh. I’m not sure if I should go to bed unfulfilled or drift aimlessly across netscape navigator searching for a release that will never find me.

    • Translation:

      “Dear Diary,

      Today, the Internet, usually a reliable source of entertainment, failed to entertain me. Rather than taking this emotional letdown as a sign suggesting that, perhaps, I would do well to augment my life with non-Internet-related activities such as creative projects, sports, reading, learning, social activities, and other traditional forms of diversion, I decided instead to leave a disenchanted comment for the Internet’s own benefit, to the effect of, ‘Internet, you did not adequately entertain me today. Please change this, Internet, so that I may, in future, be relieved of my constant burden of having to find ways to entertain myself.'”

      • Anony-fucking-mous May 30, 2014 at 2:34 pm #

        Dance Monkey Dance!

  3. Anonymous May 30, 2014 at 12:51 am #

    I just read “penis” instead of “peonies”

  4. >”and other traditional forms of diversion”

    Myself, for example… just this week, I’ve been re-watching some of the highlights from my extensive collection of 1990s porno titles, including such luminous paeans to different-positional fucking as:

    The Bare Tits Project
    Shaving Rianna’s Privates
    Throbbin’ Hood: Prince of Cleavage
    Edward Penishands

    and of course, the all-time classic: How Stella Got Her Tube Packed

  5. Bruce Banner May 30, 2014 at 10:26 am #

    Yeah, no woman under 43 has heard of Rush. Younger ones between 30 and 40 are all into dance music or rap. I suppose this is your target demographic.

  6. eec May 30, 2014 at 1:52 pm #

    As a woman, if I had received this message on okc I would have blushed and smiled then sent a reply :)

  7. Emily June 1, 2014 at 7:48 pm #

    Might work on a child bride.

  8. Christy June 4, 2014 at 12:00 am #

    I saw a bunch of 9-year-olds perform that song at Saint Rocke in Hermosa on Sunday…it would be tough to beat their version.

  9. Dagonet June 27, 2014 at 12:40 pm #

    I don’t care what anyone says, this post is brilliant and hilarious. Would it be an effective OKC opener? Who the fuck knows. It’s great literature.

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