Diary: Morning Self-Assessment

9 Jun

I’ve been unemployed for two weeks. It feels like a god damn lifetime. Most of it I’ve wasted looking at stupid shit on the internet. I’m not gonna say I should have been traveling the globe slaying exotic ass, nursing orphans back to health. But– I could have written a short story. I could have paid my bills. I could have done some consulting work to make the money to pay my bills. I didn’t because I was reading Gawker. Gawker comments. Manosphere sites. Feminist sites. The news, which is an extension of those things. Somebody shot some people today. Some college made a rule about rape. This proves men have it harder, women have it harder, etc. The news now only exists to kill empathy. Excite people about hating each other. Here is the real news: you will die a slow horrible death and everyone you love will abandon you. Before this happens, fighting in this giant fake war of shrieking self-pity is the worst use of your time.


I had freedom and I wasted it, but– cut yourself a break. 1) It was 2 fuckin weeks. 2) You learned how to go on a date sober. You started a relationship. You learned how to not be a mercenary pig in that relationship. You got some ass. Exotic ass in fact. You have diligently applied for many jobs and you just feel bad because yesterday was Sunday and you played Oblivion. You will soon get a large check and everything will be fine. You helped a friend. You spoke to troubled teens– you provided institutionalized14 year old girls with hope and succor. And yes, you beat your dick after, like you’d caught it running from the plantation. Yes you took the pleading, heartbroken look a troubled teen gave you in the midst of your addiction story; you memorized it and turned it into a pleading, heartbroken look in her eyes as you shot a hot ropy load into her tiny wet underaged cunt, in your imagination. You did this the literal instant you got home from the Youth Center. And then again five minutes later. But you also helped.

You have been a good neighbor and friend and you did write a couple things. You went to the gym. Attained lean mass. You learned how to write sober. And fuck, I mean– reading the great books of the world didn’t give you any ideas either. The fact is, some time is best wasted. The guy traveling the world slaying exotic ass and suckling orphans feels regret too. I could have been building a megacorporation, he says. I’d have milk money for every orphan in the world. What was the point of fucking that fifth pygmy, etc.

You are taking steps toward building the life you want. Stop putting too much weight on shit. You have thought about writing the fucking book so much that you can’t fucking do it. The way a kid who’s obsessed with losing his virginity can’t get laid. Well it doesn’t have to be the prom queen. Go fuck a fat chick. Write a shitty book. Write a page of it a day. There is no other way. You just have to do it. People who write books are people who don’t want it so bad that they psych themselves out . People who are able to do things without thinking them into a spiraling miasma, without building a castle of traps and MC Escher staircases made of a million reasons why your shit sucks. You know what the book is about. Just suck it up.

Just make enough money to live and write. Just make words come out of your fingers and don’t overthink it. Stick with this thing of helping other people. Good shit will happen or it won’t. That part is God’s responsibility. You just keep showing up. And jerking off to at risk youth, if opportune.

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13 Responses to “Diary: Morning Self-Assessment”

  1. L. Roy Aiken June 9, 2014 at 6:31 pm #

    I can tell you from personal experience that the first book will be shit, regardless. The main thing is you’re teaching yourself how to write a book, which isn’t as easy as most people make it out to be.

    • jack4510 June 14, 2014 at 11:23 am #

      I’ve been told even if you write a bad book, eg by mistaking your strenghts and writing a kind of book that isn’t your kind of book, you get something out of it. Like how to write good dialogue etc. So when you hit the right note you already have those skills.

  2. theshido June 9, 2014 at 9:45 pm #

    Uplifting.

  3. Atlanta Man June 10, 2014 at 3:06 am #

    Good shit DT! Sobriety is one hell of a grind but you must stay busy, lusting after teenagers is a good diversion. Back when I was 35 I was at a coffee shop and I met a girl who was so hot I salivated. I was chatting her up doing well in my opinion until she told me she was 15, and I still wanted to smash that young hot piece of ass. If they are old enough to menstruate then they are old enough to get fucked biologically , just not legally. You fuck them the law fucks you. On a unrelated note how is your cat?

  4. Can I Get A Refund On This Rape-Whistle? June 10, 2014 at 6:57 am #

    I’ve re-read this a couple of times now, DT. Same enjoyable writing style, plus there’s a lot of truth in what you say. Movement, activity – whatever it may be – is always better than sitting around and contemplating how fucking annoying and absurd this world is. Spend too much time Thinking About Doing, and in the end you’ll have done only 2 things, Jack and shit. And Jack left town.

    On a different note, are you now in an exclusive relationship with that Asian chick you fucked on your porch? Because, since you’re currently unemployed, I thought you’d be in the perfect position to find some bored, twentysomething stay-at-home moms to fuck during the day. Seriously, their husbands are away all day working, and you’ve got lots of free time. She’s read 50 Shades of Grey and wants to feel naughty and adventurous, and you want to bust a nut – what is there not to like? I first happened upon this possibility at university. Classes were scattered and I only worked nights, so meeting up at Mary Sue’s house mid-morning while steadfast John was coding medical bills for 9 hours seemed like the thing to do. Bored stay-at-home moms can be great daytime opportunities for a man during extended periods of unemployment. You just have know where to meet them, to not care that they’re married, and always carry the used condom away to chuck it in your own bin at home.

    Hail Satan. It’s Tuesday.

    • Atlanta Man June 10, 2014 at 10:48 am #

      Another win from DT’s commenters! Rape Whistle is a character , I look forward to his comments as much as DT’s updates.

    • Anonymous June 10, 2014 at 12:39 pm #

      I’m sure if he’s admitting he’s in an exclusive relationship he’ll lose his groupies

  5. j June 10, 2014 at 5:03 pm #

    if you write a book, I’ll buy it.

  6. Sumanguru June 11, 2014 at 4:43 am #

    Here is a good, and free, listing of markets to submit short stories to:

    http://thegrinder.diabolicalplots.com/

    Write, and submit.

    And have you found any critique groups in your area? Try Meetup.com or Google search. Critique groups are great ways to not only get feedback on your work and improve it, but also to find out what the new markets are and what the expectations and trends are. They also let you socialize with like-minded people and get out the house for a productive reason every so often.

    Like I told you before, if I can sell stories, like get paid for my fiction, you can too.

  7. Fortis June 16, 2014 at 9:56 pm #

    Finally, you’re writing the goddamn book. Just don’t go all G. R. R. M on us and die before it’s done.

  8. 90 days clean and you’re already running around telling your story of redemption? Jesus Christ.

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