Ass Part 4

20 Jun
image stolen from ballparkguys.com

image stolen from ballparkguys.com

I called 911 because I was in the bath and my legs started spasming. You could see muscle pulsing like a snake moving under the skin. First calves. Then thighs. Then my legs locked up and my belly started to go. My foot stuck twisted like the end of a chicken wing. It hurt. What if it went all the way up. Would my face just go in the water. Would I die naked with my hot bath ball sac spread over my thighs like a steamed tortilla.

While my arms still worked I hoisted myself up by the soap holder. My fucking thumb was twitching and the phone was wet. Many tries to get the passcode. When there’s an emergency, you forget you can just hit “emergency.” Then– no, you dumb fucker, I am not calling 921. Jesus Christ. That voice never goes away. The one that tells you of course it would be like this. Your ass goes out and it spreads and you die naked because your retarded thumb can’t work the phone. You went to the doctor and everything. They told you it was hemorrhoids. You knew it was an anorectal abscess. Septic cyst that infects and kills you. That other voice doesn’t go away either: ha! I was right!

The girl left work to take me back to the ER. Of course it would be like this. You meet a nice girl and then die from your asshole.

Then a lot of pain and screaming broken up by long waits. I needed an operation, I was told. The staff were all funny. The guy who checked my heart said they had me figured for anal trauma. The nurse used to be an EMT, talked about dead bodies on the toilet. I told the anesthesiologist I was nervous and he said haha, me too. Then he told me he was giving me Michael Jackson medicine. So it’ll make me rape little boys to forget the savage beatings my dad gave me, I should have said. L’esprit d’escalier.

The only stick in the mud was the surgeon. We drain it and then we wait, he said. See if a fistula develops. 30-50% chance. The cyst cavity forms a tunnel connecting your rectum to the outside. So like a second butthole? No, no, it’s a tiny… it’s a pinprick. It just causes leakage. That sounds like a second butthole to me, I said. A third nipple is still a nipple even if it looks like a mole. Look, I have other patients, he said.

I had to stay overnight. They had TV. Discovery Channel was running a show called Naked and Afraid. Two nude people are dropped into a jungle. It’s a stupid show but there’s a woman’s ass. Meanwhile people come change your IV bag and make you sign papers and pray over you. A man in a hair net brings fajitas.

The procedure was a success. I feel better already. Now we wait. Stay vigilant about changing the ass maxi pad as it soaks up blood and weeping pus. Color of the juice on the cutting board when you carve a rare London Broil. The incision in its raised red crater like the second asshole I’ll soon grow. Twin suns of Tatooine. They blasted me with antibiotics and now my eyes are blurry and the light hurts. They gave me an estimated bill. Twenty eight thousand and twelve dollars. I do have insurance. This is just the opening highball in a long haggle between bloodthirsty corporations. There will be a bill for my first visit too. When they misdiagnosed my agonizing lethal condition as a minor nuisance. Insurance will say no and the hospital will stick me with it. I’ll get robocalls from whoever they sell the debt to deep into middle age. What are you gonna do.

Look at it this way: a hundred years ago this shit would have killed me. Now it’s just a bad week. That and a 50/50 shot at a permanent second shitpipe. Maybe I can fit a cigarette in it.

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11 Responses to “Ass Part 4”

  1. I'm Jake and I Love You June 20, 2014 at 2:51 pm #

    I spent all week jerking it to the thought of putting an Asian chick mask over your ass with the mouth part over your asshole, shoving my dwarfish, misshapen half-chub in there and pretending your puss and drainage is her vomit. This has been the best week of my life.

    • I'd Like A Refund On This Rape-Whistle June 21, 2014 at 8:22 am #

      The song “Fucking Your Daughter With a Frozen Vomit Fuckstick” by Prosthetic Cunt is a far better song than the song you linked to, Jake.

      On a completely different note, did any of you fucking people know that the website “www.onebigsickfuckingjoke.com” is still available for sale? I shit you not, go check it out on GoDaddy. You can get that URL plus buy http://www.onebigsickfuckingjoke.net, .org and .info, all for the ridiculously low price of $17. Holy fuck, how in the ever-lovin’, strap-on lesbian, fallen angel whorefuck of Mother Teresa’s virginal asshole has no one taken advantage of this shit yet? Snooze and you lose on this one, faggots.

      • What Sorcery is This? June 23, 2014 at 8:21 am #

        how did “Jake’s” youtube link just… vanish?

  2. Dr Jimmy Brungus June 20, 2014 at 3:20 pm #

    How many of those Naked and Afraid actors
    were turned down for 90s porn roles? I am guessing 100%
    You see something… Elsewhere… in their faces on the discovery.com bio page
    But hey. Silver lining. Now they all have SAG cards. Life’s a bath

    Best wishes for a speedy recovery, ya dingus.

  3. whatever June 21, 2014 at 1:01 am #

    ASS should be a new category on your blog

  4. wish i'd chosen a better name June 21, 2014 at 4:56 am #

    hey what happened to that story about the asian lawyer and astrid or whatever-her-name-was?

    did it get finished and i missed it? it’s easy to miss pages when you read from the earliest, because you forget to scroll down and click the[i] later entries[/i] button.

  5. wish i'd chosen a better name June 21, 2014 at 5:04 am #

    not to be insensitive. i wrote that before i read this crazy-ass story.

    i don’t know what a fistula is but sounds nasty. shit man, i hope you’re in the 70% that doesn’t get it.

  6. wish i'd chosen a better name June 21, 2014 at 5:31 am #

    well, now i know what a fistula is.

  7. I'd Like A Refund On This Rape-Whistle June 21, 2014 at 8:12 am #

    This is not the most fucked up thing I’ve ever heard about happening to a person. But it’s damned close. Because, in a way, ass is always trumps in the realm of illness. Cock and cunt both rent an office on the same street, and, like ass, they are literally open 24-7. Once everything begins deteriorating, the holes in your body become the cause of incessant elation. Balls aren’t open, so they don’t have that “your insides are peeking out” sense like cunt, ass, and cock have; but the “extra sensitive” part of balls makes up for the “no hole” part. Undoubtedly, the grim seriousness of ass-centric illness cannot be overemphasised. I am concerned, not only for your ass, DT, but for the asses of everyone whose ass is facing an ass trauma somewhere in this world. The asses of the very Gods themselves blench and pucker cosmically, at the mere thought of such a Fate. Ass. It is written in the Scrolls of Skelos that at all Times, in every moment that passes, somewhere in this infinite and hideously ancient Universe, on dark worlds of giant brutish temples of hewn black rock, and torchlit, underground chambers echoing with screams, the sentence of “Ass” is being handed down to some miserable, unfortunate being. And a single violent scream of pure despair rises from him…

    I pray for you to get well, DT, and for no more holes. Yes, I, the godless one, pray. I chant the orison “No more holes” whilst praising the Dark Lord. That’s supposed to help you feel better. I also suggest combining some form of prescription painkillers from the hospital with getting blown or, failing that, jerking off a lot, whilst waiting for your ass to heal. Stay classy as fuck.

    • Atlanta Man June 23, 2014 at 8:34 pm #

      God damn I love DT’s comments section.

  8. Robert July 3, 2014 at 3:17 am #

    It’s arse not “ass”.
    Seriously though; hope you lick it..in the end

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