Diary: Throw out the Script

21 Jun
this is a picture of my cat

this is a picture of my cat

Throw out the Norco script, he tells me. Call me tomorrow. Fuck. I don’t want to. I don’t want to fucking cash it in, either– I’m in no pain really. But I don’t want to not have it if the gaping wound on my asshole flares up. What if it hurts again. It was a mistake to turn down the Vicodin the first time. I was in agony. I’m afraid.

Get off OKCupid, he said. You met a girl you like and these skanks will just fuck you up. The girl, who needs a fake name now– the girl was here. Told me she went on her date with her other stupid guy. She is using me for dick while she chases husband material. She’s a Chinese yuppie with a real job and what did you expect. He’s a prosperous Jewish chef whose parents have a nice house. He uses it as a test kitchen. That was their date, at his parents’ nice house with them gone. Him testing out a recipe. Breakfast for dinner.

I didn’t fuck him, she said. I don’t care, I told her. But I do care. Maybe I don’t believe her. She sure as fuck fucked me. Well, when I’m interested in seeing someone, she says, I don’t fuck on the first date. I thought you were a one night stand. Well what’s the point of that. I don’t understand this practice. And why are you telling me shit that makes every woman hating web site seem true. I am desperately trying to back away from the internet gender battle. Too many unhinged nuts. But: Alpha fucks, Beta bucks, you tell me. FTOW. Shit, you even have me resenting Jews.

Did she fuck him? She will. Past, future– it’s as good as done. The way for me to not hurt– it’s not even fucking other people. It’s just having her know: the ten years younger version of you sends me her panties in the mail and would pay to get on a plane and come fuck me. You cunt. Well don’t do that. Throw out the pill script. Throw out the internet pussy. Grow up. Take your hurt like a man.

Throw out the script. But my ass will flare up or the girl will hurt me or I won’t get a job and one of these things will make me need those fuckin pills.

Actually that’s bullshit. I wouldn’t take pills because of money or this woman. But I would take it for my ass. I’m afraid of getting sick. My eyesight was blurry yesterday. I’m lightheaded and my forehead is warm. I don’t know if I’m just manufacturing this shit out of fear or what. But why write fake shit: I am afraid I am going to die. I am afraid I will have to go back to the hospital. I am afraid of IV needles and big bills and being trapped there and waiting. Afraid of the cat getting locked outside while I’m in, or just having my neighbor leave the door open and he wanders out and gets eaten by a coyote. I am afraid of this girl leaving me but not nearly as afraid of that as my asshole getting infected and hurting. Being hurt and scared, it sucks, it sucks… I don’t want to talk to my sponsor because I don’t want to throw out the Norcos. God help me. My jaw is quavering, I’m afraid it will lock up, I’m afraid of spasms, seizures– is it OK? I s it normal? Am I getting worse? Is this just what’s supposed to happen when have ass surgery, or is it a horrible infection. Is it a side effect of the antibiotics. Do I have AIDS.

Dude, relax. You are walking and talking. You just had fucking ass surgery. This is normal. Relax and take care of yourself. Continue cleaning vigorously after each bowel movement. But my head feels hot. Go get a thermometer then. What you want is to look at the internet and be told: fever after surgery — no problem. What it will say is: go to the hospital. You got a festering ass wound right next to where germ spewing shit comes out of your body and it probably is sepsis and you probably are going to die. Yes the hospital sucks but they have cable. I want to tell myself everything will be OK. But maybe it won’t. There are common complications. I might have to have a fuckin colostomy bag. Jesus.

You won’t. You won’t . Very small chance. Yeah: small but non-negligible. I would like my chance of colostomy bag use to be fucking negligible.

Relax. Just fucking take it. I would tell her not to see him but she’s right. This is what normal people do. Go find someone with a nice house and lay your eggs. You want a purebred and I’m a shelter animal.

Don’t write about her on that blog of yours either, he tells me. She’s gonna read some shit and it’ll destroy the relationship. You’ll bring about the thing you fear. Well look man. I’m not gonna take the Norcos. I’m shutting off the pussy faucet. Two out of three ain’t bad.

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31 Responses to “Diary: Throw out the Script”

  1. Fredulous June 21, 2014 at 4:05 pm #

    That thing about you being a shelter animal hurt to read. Only because I’ve also felt that way. If a woman looks at you or anybody else like that she isn’t worth your time.

  2. Christy June 21, 2014 at 4:54 pm #

    I’m really sorry you’re feeling so low, DT.

  3. Soinclined June 21, 2014 at 5:18 pm #

    You’ve got to quit listening to these goddamn evil cult member AA fucks. A college-educated doctor wrote you the prescription against the wishes of the DEA, who would prefer that the whole world screamed in pain if it kept one person somewhere from getting a slight buzz.

    Fill the prescription, take *all* your medicine, and live. I’d miss your blog if you died of ass corruption.

  4. Atlanta Man June 21, 2014 at 6:05 pm #

    When you wrote that you were even resenting Jews , I knew you had not lost a step. This blog is fucking hilarious and I am glad to finally see your cat. The girl will fuck you until she finds someone blind to who she really is, you know too much about the real her to have a relationship because relationships are based on lies. I am glad your ass is better and I hope you get a job.

    • Colon Powell June 23, 2014 at 8:09 am #

      “you know too much about the real her to have a relationship
      because relationships are based on lies ”

      Jesus Christ.

      Good stuff, man. And in the Comments of all places.
      Feels like I found a diamond ring in a swamp.

  5. Anonymous June 21, 2014 at 9:59 pm #

    shit man, sorry about your ass. but if you’re not going to take the painkillers you could send them my way!

  6. TJRowe June 21, 2014 at 10:57 pm #

    DT…loved you on the Christian McQueen show, you should go on again and talk about this.

    • Anonymous June 22, 2014 at 1:52 am #

      I second that. Cute cat, btw.

    • Atlanta Man June 25, 2014 at 6:19 am #

      That was a good podcast, DT is one educated dude and surprising normal. I expected him to be a creative , aloof, asshole writer and he was just a cool ,normal, funny guy. He did not even make fun of any of the chicks he slept with, all his humor was about him, how he grew up and his current situation. Shit was entertaining.

      • Colón Powell June 25, 2014 at 7:36 pm #

        Good podcast, yes.
        But if those 2 dudes would only let you talk , for christ’s sake…
        You’d start saying something, and those guys just piled on,
        looking for that football
        It was like I was listening to Charlie Rose, but with an erection.

        In short: Three Stars

  7. wish i'd chosen a better name June 22, 2014 at 4:14 am #

    any link to the cmq podcast?

    only found a soundcloud link, which i can’t access …

  8. Corey June 22, 2014 at 9:26 pm #

    Are you sure they didn’t remove your testicles during that surgery of yours?

  9. Ben June 22, 2014 at 10:22 pm #

    ass to ass.

  10. Ben June 22, 2014 at 10:29 pm #

    you sound like a Oneitis little bitch, trying to be monogamous with a chink cunt who openly wants dick from multiple guys. a wealthy Jew to be exact. what a cliche.

    whatever happened to being free and fucking whoever, whenever, you want. that’s what made you a cool writer. not anymore. you’re becoming just another AFC desperate loser.

    it’s not a coincidence that when you stopped drinking, you also started getting sick physically (anal ruptures) and emotionally (entertaining the idea of being exclusive with a girl who isn’t exclusive with you).

    if you had listened to your reader “j” and tried squatting while shitting you certainly would’ve avoided all this pain.

    but no, you’re ego is too inflated with the idea that you’re “internet-famous”.

    i hate to remind you that you are an insignificant little speck of a speck of a speck of a speck of a speck in an infinite soup of everchanging change called The Universe AKA Nature. we all are.

    get off your high horse and start interacting with your fans and readers. we are trying to help you but our comments fall on deaf ears/eyes.

    you little weak brony bitch. i lost 100% respect for you and will no longer read your gay little whiny blog about your failures.

    peace out.

    • someone please cut Ben's internet connection June 23, 2014 at 1:18 am #

      Ben Ben Ben, I welcome the day you finally get your own blog and stop writing whiny comments on this one.
      I lost 100% respect for you and will no longer read your gay little whiny comments about anybody else’s blog.

    • Anonymous June 23, 2014 at 4:19 am #

      This could actually be a decent idea. Take the dumbest advice you get from your fans, apply it to your life, and then write about it.

  11. JackBlack23 June 23, 2014 at 3:33 am #

    yeah I really don’t get what you’re complaining about here … you’ve fucked enough women by now to understand their true nature … I guess the difference here is that this bitch is openly stating her intentions instead of hiding it like most women do …

  12. Emily June 23, 2014 at 9:38 am #

    Seriously? Jesus.

  13. jeff June 23, 2014 at 10:13 am #

    Some of the BEST dogs come from shelters. Screw Westminster…

  14. Can I Get A Refund On This Rape-Whistle? June 24, 2014 at 8:19 am #

    “I didn’t fuck him, she said. I don’t care, I told her. But I do care. Maybe I don’t believe her. She sure as fuck fucked me. Well, when I’m interested in seeing someone, she says, I don’t fuck on the first date. I thought you were a one night stand.”

    My unprofessional opinion: this bitch doesn’t have any clue what she wants. She’s waiting, keeping Mr. MacJoo around, waiting for that supernal moment when she “knows” that he is “good enough” for her. And I expect she’s doing the same with waiting and keeping you around, DT, same thing: waiting for that moment when she “knows” you’re “good enough.” She’ll probably end up doing this to other men in her life, too. But what is “good enough” for her, for real? Bitch don’t know. It end up being sheer torment for everybody around her whilst she’s running around “finding herself,” but what the fuck does she care about others’ suffering? Her quest in life is to find someone who is “good enough” and nothing can stand in the way of that. Fucking Asians, with their fucking life decisions and “look to the future” motivations! Damn.

    Hey, but at least you got to fuck her on a balcony, right?

  15. eec June 25, 2014 at 11:58 am #

    Why do the stupidest people leave comments here. Yeesh.

    All the stupid dudes in here weaving these narratives about whatever this woman’s motivations are are bscly doing this http://i.imgur.com/6icZ3.png

    All you “man-o-sphere” people are just neurotic people that need to build self-esteem. Dating, love, and relationships don’t work the way you guys describe it to be. Not everyone is an asshole — you guys are. You’re weaving these crazy narratives that are most likely not applicable to the situation. Occam’s razor, duh.

    And what’s with these racist fucks in your comments. Jeez. Morans.

    DT may really like this girl, but whatever happens with it — who knows! The idea is for him to reach stability, re-build his self-esteem, become healthy, and find happiness again. He will reach these things. It just takes time, diligence, and patience. Equanimity. It is a practice. The tides ebb and flow but it does not mean that you aren’t still swimming. It’s easy to feel afraid of drowning but you’re on a surfboart bb~ Ride the waves. You’re building the muscle to provide balance. And hey — sometimes a big wave will come. That’s okay, just get back on :) You’ve got this. When you’re back to peace, back to finding happiness in the little things of life, you’ll *enjoy* your job and have healthy relationships. Healthy, happy relationships exist :) The first step is letting go of the prison, that cage, those walls and barbed wire you’d created to keep people out, so they can’t hurt you again. But if you keep people out, you’re imprisoning yourself, and no one can come in and you can’t get out. It’s a mire. But you’re growing back your wings :) Tear down your walls and surround yourself with positive, healthy, supportive people. You’ll only be grateful for the outpouring of compassion others have for you. Yes, you will experience fear, but love does not only come in the form of a “romantic relationship”. Embrace the love that exists in the world, because we all want to embrace you.

    You are beautiful and amazing. We love you very much :)

    • Woof. June 25, 2014 at 6:17 pm #

      We need more SofTrolls™ like this.

    • TJRowe June 25, 2014 at 11:31 pm #

      What are you, high?

    • Can I Get A Refund On This Rape-Whistle? June 26, 2014 at 8:06 am #

      I’m pretty excited about the fact that I’m a racist now. Was it my “Mr. MacJoo” comment? Don’t you know who Mr. MacGoo is, the blind dude in the cartoon? There I was, mocking that Jewish bloke’s blindness to the whole situation, and you think I hate Jews? ‘Scuse me, but Jews are fantastic! Every Saturday when I wake up hung over around noon, and then walk down to the smut shop to buy rolling papers and to check out the newest DVD porn titles, I stumble through the neighbourhood where Temple Beth-Shalom is, and I smile pleasantly and say “Good Sabbath” to all the nice people I see, who often respond with Sabbath greetings and smiles of their own. It’s extremely happy and sunshiney, birds are chirping and people are just enjoying life.

      No, I think the term you wanted was “ableist.” I’m technically an ableist, because fuck those blind fucks, except for Zatoichi and Yu Chenghui the Yellow River Fighter. Can’t see shit, can’t do shit, Fuck-o! Yeah, whaddaya gonna do? Try to hit me? I’ll just be real quiet. You can’t even read this shit I’m talking about you now, can you, Blindy? HA! Although now that you mention it, years ago I was sued by the Anti-Defamation League for a Purim incident where I was cursing Haman by calling him things like “donkey-fucking Agagite cum-stain” and was, in the words of one rabbi, “graggering a little too overzealously.”

    • Atlanta Man June 26, 2014 at 11:58 am #

      You are delusional, high, or both. You are more positive than Magic Johnson’s HIV test, it is unnerving…..

  16. Anonymous June 26, 2014 at 8:00 am #

    I must say, for having your ass nearly killed you, you’re looking quite good.

  17. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn June 27, 2014 at 7:58 pm #

    So she knows about your blog? And right after you started seeing her you wrote a post about fucking a 22-year old Japanese girl, which she probably read, and now you’re getting all indignant because she went on a date with the Jew. I don’t understand the logic there. She probably thinks you’re a flake, and rightfully so.

  18. Anonymous July 10, 2014 at 10:17 pm #

    Damn this post is funny – brilliantly so. I’m having an alpha fucks, beta bucks situation right now too. It hurts in a backwards kind of way. You’re not alone, friend. Much love

  19. No wonder you can’t catch a break, that cat has gotta walk past you like twenty times a day. Get rid of that fucking thing, it’s bad luck.

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