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A Tinder™ Success Story

14 Sep

That Puerto Rican girl Cynthia. Perfect tits perfect ass near perfect face. I don’t remember if she had a perfect pussy but I remember after I came too fast the first time she got me hard again in five minutes by sucking me off and doing some weird trick with my balls. Kind of reaching through my sack and fiddling with something the way you would reattach a hose on a car engine and I got stiff like a reflex. The first time was for me, telling her to go slow, go slow, then blasting in her in two minutes when she was on top. Second time was for her, doggy style shoving her face in the pillow so she couldn’t breath and then letting her up and yanking a fistful of ponytail back, pulling her ass back into me, choking her, pounding her like a jackrabbit. Not my thing but it got her off. She’d been to Japan, she said. It’s so safe people sleep on the street. All their weird sex stuff is because there’s no connection between people sexually. It’s about the individual’s fantasy. E.g. you wrap me in saran wrap and tickle under my nose with fifteen year old girls sweaty panties while I shit myself. Really interesting stuff, she said. Why didn’t I call her– she was pretty smart too, and had her shit together. It was because she wouldn’t kiss me at first. She’d only kiss when she got really hot. Before that she would just nibble on your lip a little and then pull her head back and laugh. It takes all kinds.

App Review: Tinder for iOS

11 Aug

 

image stolen from cultofandroid.com

image stolen from cultofandroid.com

 

I should tell you I’m married, she said. This after you’d taken off your expired Trojan, the ribbed kind that comes in a gold wrapper; it was so old the gold foil was flaking off so you took the condom and filled it up in the sink after and watched it for leaks. Your jizz chunking up and swirling around like a snow globe. If you had known you would have just stayed in raw and blasted in her. If you’d known some other guy would pay for it. Her husband must be white too. What Mexican married to a Mexican cheats on fucking Tinder. The plan could have worked out and your bloodline might have lived on. Not now that she waited to tell you. No sense of timing. But we’re separated, she says. Ah well, you were smart after all. Continue reading

OKCupid Starter Kit: Copy This and Tell Me What Happens

4 Aug

 

image stolen from boingboing.net

image stolen from boingboing.net

Go do this right now. It’ll take 30 minutes:

1. Open your profile. Get your photos in order. Put your 3 hottest pics from facebook on top.

2. In “details,” add 2 inches to your height and give yourself a $20,000 raise. Like every other dude.

3. Cut and paste the below essays. Do not edit. In “About Me,” add the name of your town. If you’re a girl, change “cock” to “pussy,” but– you’re not a girl. Get rid of “I’m Really Good At” & “I Spend A Lot of Time Thinking About” if you already have them: Continue reading

The Wolf Witch

3 Jul
image stolen from conanevolved.wordpress.com

image stolen from conanevolved.wordpress.com

They were laying in bed. He had her ipad on his lap to watch Conan the Barbarian. Golden Age Schwarzenegger had fled across frozen wastes. He came upon a hut. A woman with 1982 plastic surgery stood in the door. Do you not wish to warm yourself by my fire?

I’ve been unfair to you, she said. He paused the movie.

What?

I shouldn’t even tell you this but I forgot my texts come to that fucking thing.

Well I didn’t look. But now you better tell me.

It might hurt you.

Continue reading

OKCupid Opener of the Day: Rush

29 May
image stolen from musicblogfunpartytime.wordpress.com

image stolen from musicblogfunpartytime.wordpress.com

Let me pitch you an idea.
We’ve set a date.  Your doorbell rings. It’s me.  I am dressed nicely. Perhaps holding a bouquet.  Peonies– nothing too suggestive.  You approve of my shoes.  You’re like “Hi!”  And I’m like:
(BEGINS BEATBOXING “TOM SAWYER” AT INCREDIBLE VOLUME, ROCKING OUT LIKE AN ASTEROID IS ABOUT TO HIT THE EARTH AND PERFECTLY– I MEAN *PERFECTLY*– PANTOMIMING NEIL PEART’S FILLS)
And you’re like “wow, that’s pretty impressive! Would you like to come i–” and I’m like:
(VOCALS KICK IN AND I JUST GO OFF IN GEDDY LEE’S CANADIAN GRANNY VOICE “MODUHN DAY WARRIUH MEAN MEAN STRIIIIIIIIDE….” MEANWHILE I AM STILL PERFECTLY PANTOMIMING THE DRUMS)
And you’re like “holy shit, you’re really good at that, should we get goin–” and I’m like
(DUH NUH NUH NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH AND I JUST KEEP GOING THROUGH AN EXTENDED SYNTH SOLO AND ETC.  You get the idea.  Meanwhile the neighbors have come out and you’re maybe a little apprehensive but also, you can’t resist feeling the music in your bones.  Beginning to move.  Shake your head.  Dance in the only awkward way it is possible to dance to Rush.  When it finally ends you are exhausted.  Dripping with sweat.  Spent.  But changed. From this moment you will live each day as though it were you last.)
The song finishes.  I hand you the peonies.  Turn around and leave silently.

How about it.

You Should Message Me If Part 3

8 Feb

frazetta centaur

I want someone to reenact Frazetta paintings with, basically. I in my burnished brass codpiece, chiseled deltoids rippling as I swing a double-bladed fire axe at a demon spider with sixteen cat eyes. You, astride the rampant beast in chains, nude but for a tattered bikini and a seal fur cloak that conveniently blows aside from your breasts and crotch in hot winds stirred by a distant alien volcano. Your buttocks could be credibly described as “meaty orbs.” My eyes speak of hellfire and lust as I land the killing blow. The unholy death shriek of the beast echos against the jagged black crags in the middle distance. Three moons look on. With another heave of the blade I split your chains. You are free, but your heart is my slave. I look around, furtively. I need a rag to clean off the stinging spider ichor. There is nothing. We are wearing virtually no fabric. I shrug, and we bone anyway.

How about it.

Write Her a Lovely Message…

1 Feb

send her a lovely message

I accidentally saved you to my favorites. I say accidentally, because I didn’t know that little thing down there did that.

I hope you don’t take that as an insult. If you did, get over yourself. I don’t despise you near enough, at this point, for my favoriting you to not be ironic.

Your profile inspired me to write that. Have a nice day :)

***

Only a few people despise me nearly as much as I deserve.

You want to get a drink some night?

***

Possibly… We should maybe chat a bit and know each others names first, though :)

I’m Jess btw

 ***

Cornelius.

Give me a topic and I’ll write something about it.

 ***

The topic is – “Cornelius”

Go!

Continue reading

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