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App Review: Tinder for iOS

11 Aug

 

image stolen from cultofandroid.com

image stolen from cultofandroid.com

 

I should tell you I’m married, she said. This after you’d taken off your expired Trojan, the ribbed kind that comes in a gold wrapper; it was so old the gold foil was flaking off so you took the condom and filled it up in the sink after and watched it for leaks. Your jizz chunking up and swirling around like a snow globe. If you had known you would have just stayed in raw and blasted in her. If you’d known some other guy would pay for it. Her husband must be white too. What Mexican married to a Mexican cheats on fucking Tinder. The plan could have worked out and your bloodline might have lived on. Not now that she waited to tell you. No sense of timing. But we’re separated, she says. Ah well, you were smart after all. Continue reading

Business Review: LDC Collection Systems

18 Sep

ldc

I got a letter. It said I owed 62 dollars plus late fee to the city of San Francisco. For a parking ticket in June. It was for a car I no longer own. A car that’s sitting in a wrecking yard in Van Nuys, according to the man I sold it to. Come see, he said. You can look for yourself, I swear. I believe him. The head gasket was blown. There was no way he was going to get it running again.

I could remit payment by calling, by going to the city’s web site, or by mailing the money to LDC Collection Systems. I looked online. The city web site was real. The ticket was real. On the letter it said it was a white Mercedes, with the correct license plate number. My car was silver. I figured the guy sold the license plate. No, no. Come see it, come take a picture, it’s here.  The car hasn’t been in San Francisco for five years. Continue reading

Product Review: Safeway® “Nighttime Sleep” Mini Caplets

21 Jun

guy sleeping on pc

I’ve done a lot of heroin. Not just our schwag L.A. black tar, either; I’ve done white powder pinched off a brick from Philly before it got sent on to New York; great shit from little packets with brand names on them– Kisses, Lightning Bolts, whateverthefuck. Perfect cream-colored powder that leaves a subtle nutty, flowery taste in the back of your throat as you walk out in the rain and the drops caressing your collarbone feel like the hands of a beautiful young maiden and you could just sit down and soak in the water for hours, and it’s forty fucking degrees. I’ve eaten, sniffed and smoked potentially lethal quantities of vicodin, oxycodone, percoset, percodan, MS contin in those green pills where you have to chew off the time release coating; lorazepam, diazepam, quaaludes, klonopin, atavan, phenobarbitol, so many pills that sound like a racists’s concept of African American names; washed them all down with gut-searing quantities of cheap hard liquor and I stayed standing through every motherfucking one of them. But one half of one Safeway® Nighttime Sleep Mini Caplet will knock me out like a kick from a fucking horse and I will spend the next day feeling like the god of sleep is pushing my face down into the keyboard with big meaty hands. This shit is a god damn atomic weapon of drugs and should probably be banned.

It’s the same ingredient as Nytol®, Sominex®, Benadryl®, Tylenol® PM–  Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride– and each of them comes packaged in a pill that’s 25 milligrams. The recommended dose is two full pills. Two full pills would put a fucking family of blue whales into a six month coma. One whole pill will obliterate a the cumulative buzz of twelve hours worth of speedy cocaine, will swat aside 30 milligrams of Adderall XR like Tyson uppercutting Ruth Bader Ginsburg. This drug is incomprehensibly powerful and I don’t understand how thousands of people aren’t dying from it when one fourth of the recommended dosage will put a grade A heavyweight such as myself right on his ass.

How is this shit sold in Safeway, and how the fuck is the recommended dose enough to poison an entire city’s water supply? Just what the fuck is going on here? You can’t buy trucker speed anymore, you can’t even buy herbal ephedra. Armored men with M16’s will tackle an old lady to the ground and shoot her dog if she sprouts two pot plants in her living room window. But something that, taken as instructed, can send you into a twenty hour deathtrance, is readily advertised on TV.

Stay away from this shit. It’s insane. Stick with safer stuff, like China White blasted into your forearm with some gaunt skid row zombie’s filthy works.

In conclusion: one and a half stars

Product Review: Tenga® Easy Beat Egg™ Artificial Vagina, “Silky”

29 Apr

silky egg

The fucksleeve came in the mail on a Tuesday. Just like a real woman it took forever to come, he thought. There’s a joke you’ll never be able to tell in public.

As promised it was in discreet packaging. A surprisingly small box. Within this was a plastic egg that contained the fucksleeve. While small, it could be stretched, per the pamphlet, “to accommodate any size penis.” There were also hints on how to maximize sensation on the glans and frenulum; some artist had been paid to draw a hand in various positions stretching this piece of silicon over a healthy-sized member. It’s a living. Inside the thing’s orifice was a single use packet of lube, but he opted for Curel Intensive Care instead. Save the special stuff for a rainy day.

Continue reading

Product Review: Kidde® Combo Smoke/ Carbon Monoxide Alarm, Model KN-COSM-IB

22 Feb

combo-smoke-carbon-monoxide-alarm_install

I woke up and a demonic metal brontosaurus was leaning over me, shrieking, and then murmuring in a woman’s voice.  Behind her was Satan, in a long black cloak with glowing red eyes.  I screamed and screamed.  “Low battery” said the demon.  What the fuck?  “Low battery.”  What– Satan was my coat, his eyes were the reflection of my alarm clock in the window.  The dinosaur was my lamp.  I must have taken my phone off vibrate, it was telling me to charge it.  Weird, it had never done that before.  I could hear the neighbors thumping upstairs, thinking I’d been gutted.  Their dog was freaking out.  I found the phone, turned it off.  Started drifting off again.  Dreamt I was on a boat in the ocean. Mona was there, her sun-warm skin, her belly.  The wind.  Sardines glimmering in the sunlight under the waves… Continue reading

Television Review: Girls

18 Feb

Lena Dunham & Vena Cava

I got a legal notice in the mail from Home Box Office Inc., a division of Time Warner International.  As a jerkoff with a web site nobody reads, I am required by law to discuss their television show Girls, broadcast on Sunday nights.  I hadn’t seen it.  But I’d read about it.  Girls Girls Girls all the god damn time, feminist sites, the Man-O-Sphere, the New York Motherfucking Times.  Nothing is happening on this planet except Girls.  We got a show now where losers get drunk and fuck, just like you.  How are you not watching.

It’s racist because there are no black people, said the left.  It’s bullshit because no one would fuck a fat chick, said the antifeminists.  It sucks because everybody in it is somebody famous’ daughter, said people who think that photographing dioramas of fucking Barbies makes you Brad Pitt.  Or that anyone remembers who the drummer from Bad Company was, or had even noticed they had drumming.  You remember that one song they had about cowboys or some shit.  Man, the snare in that.  That one time he hit the high hat.  Chills.   Continue reading

Business Review: Planet Fitness, Somerville Massachusetts

10 Jan

I didn’t know it was the one with the “Lunk Alarm.”  I was just going with my brother because he had a free pass.  But it turns out Planet Fitness is the chain that made news a few years back for not allowing grunting.  Not allowing overly strenuous barbell exercises, weight dropping or general steel on steel clangor, and above all else banning “judging.”  Signs everywhere in the purple and yellow interior remind you that this is a Judgement Free Zone.  You are not to judge, lest ye be judged.  Except for the biggest sign, which reminds you that it’s also a Lunk Free Zone, and there’s a big purple police gumball mounted above the definition of a Lunk, which is anyone who grunts, drops weights, or judges.  You may judge Lunks.  In fact, you are supposed to set off an alarm if a Lunk grunts in earshot.

lunk-alarm

Fine, I don’t give a fuck.  I don’t drop weights; I wouldn’t dare waste the eccentric resistance. Lower that shit all slow and controlled.  I will try not to grunt, although I can’t promise anything.  Because it’s been several days since I’ve lifted and this means today must be squat and deadlift day.  I’ve been known to have difficulty stifling a grunt as a dremel tool chews the bone behind my kneecaps and a family of rats eat their way out of my pelvis as I’m deadlifting.  That shit is fucking painful but there is no substitute.  In the world outside Planet Fitness, if my ass is unlike the twin meaty cinder blocks sported by a nude Khal Drogo, I will be judged.  So, I’ll try to keep it under control but in any case let’s find a 45 pound bar and some plates and get to it. Continue reading

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