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Beach Diary: Nature’s Miracles

18 Apr
image stolen from

image stolen from

At the beach. A woman with big titties walks into the cold water. Other things are happening too– the thunder of the rolling waves. A flock of shorebirds at the waterline. Ibises I think. Skittering at the edge of the sand, digging for clams. Scattering back. They keep a tight formation. Ancient instincts going back to the dinosaurs. Huge brown pelicans glide overhead like pterodactyls; their brightly colored beaks. The majesty of nature and all that other jerkoff shit. She has big titties. Big titties.

I need to have sex soon or I will die. Specifically, I need to have unprotected sex with a woman between fifteen and twenty seven years of age. A new one. No one I have fucked before. The phone is an elephant’s graveyard of girl numbers. Many of them are cute. Some are even funny. But, you fuck a chick three times, she’s expired. I could write more thoughts on the matter but this woman has big titties. Big titties. Continue reading

Just What the Fuck is Going On with You, Anyway

16 Mar
image stolen from flickriver user "stofmania"

image stolen from flickriver user “stofmania”

Oh Lord, oh Lord, why do you send me these calamities. The car died. I broke my hand. I rolled my ankle. Grasping objects and walking upright are out. The two things that define a human being. Might as well be an invertebrate. I work twelve hours a day and it’s an hour there hour back and I can’t even get home and have a god damn drink. Gotta go to an AA meeting. Or my sponsor will yell at me. Gotta have a long phone call with my sponsor, tell him yeah: look at all the AA shit I did. I went to this meeting, I read this chapter of Bill Motherfucking W, I took a commitment. It’s a good one at least. I hand out the chips at Cafe Tropical. Someone doesn’t drink for sixty days, I give them a keychain. People clap. The person says “Name, Alcoholic” and I hug them. Some day it will be a hot chick. I will feel big warm titties on my chest. The other commitments are shit like picking up trash. Oh Lord, thank you for that one. Continue reading

Waiting Room Diary: Affordable Care

2 Mar
image stolen from

image stolen from

At the doctor’s office. The primary care physician Healthnet assigned me. Cesar Vialpando MD, of the Mi Familia Medical Group. Off Alameda south of 62d. The way here was all Chinese frozen squid warehouses, giant chemical silos.

Waiting room is packed to the gills. Artificial pine paneling. The guy’s desk at reception is just a mass of random papers. They don’t have a computer. It’s Mexico in here. I’m stunned no one has a goat or chicken. Except in Mexico I could have just gone to the Farmacia and bought the cheap pills I need. I have strep throat. All I need Cesar Vialpando MD to do is write a script for penicillin. All I need Healthnet to do is cover this simple trip to to the guy they assigned me. I will leave here with neither of these things. Continue reading

Sobriety Journal 2-21-14: Fetish Porn

22 Feb

fetish porn 3

I don’t drink, I just jerk off all day. My dick looks like the chick’s back in 12 Years a Slave. Porn upon porn upon porn. The only lotion I have left has rosemary in it. It’s from a spa. They mix in fresh herbs. Rosemary just aggravates the scabs. I ride my bike and it’s like I dropped a live belt sander in my underwear.

Porn upon porn upon porn. A girl comes home to her apartment. Her older female roommate is angry. The young one locked herself out. Forgot her keys. Forgot her bills. The older roommate forces her to wear an adult diaper and be spanked. The dialogue is improv. Like all porns the acting is Punch and Judy. Until you get to the spanking. The girl’s squeals and cries are perfect. She really sounds like a small child. Jerk off dry in the sink. Ten hot ropes. Look up, you want the face in the mirror to be ashamed. But the eyes just say “yeah, what of it.” Back to the desk. You are about to close 8 tabs. Are you sure. Continue reading

Birthday 2014

19 Feb
image stolen from

image stolen from

Previously: 2012, 2013

It’s my birthday today. I am thirty eight years old.

I had dreams of being pulled out to sea by storm waves. Woke up early and went out to the park. Neighbor was walking his dog. Told me there was a big car wreck down on Stadium Way. Went to the top of the hill to look. Cold fog hung around the trees. The evergreens were dead and brown. Marked with an X in spray paint; the city’s gonna come cut them down. Scotch pines. The tree my dad planted in the yard to commemorate my birth. That one was cut down too. Across the valley a murder of crows roosted on a dead eucalyptus. They were 500 yards away but as soon as I looked they flew off. Down on the road, fifteen fire trucks. A station wagon had hit a palm tree. It was spun around backward, crushed. All four doors laying on the grass, cut off by the jaws of life.

If I’d been looking for a portent for the coming year, well… fuck. Only thing that could have been more on the nose would have been the clouds forming my name and a big middle finger. Good thing I don’t believe in that shit. I rubbernecked long enough for my coffee to finish brewing. Then headed inside to drop a deuce. I’d eaten bleu cheese and arugula. The shit was historic. This was my portent. This year I will move mountains.

Coffee Shop Diary: Megadrought

17 Jan
image stolen from

image stolen from

The coffee shop. It’s hot today. There was a fire. Big brown clouds out of Glendorra that make the light look like the apocalypse. It’s not going to rain, we are told. Ever again. The pine trees in the park are cracked and brown and the city’s going to come and raze them all. Their bark has been ravaged by the pine beetle. It preys on vulnerable pines in times of dearth.

What’s more this jerkoff’s gigantic head is blocking my view of the one hot Asian chick in the cafe. Do not sit between a man and a hot young piece of ass, if your skull is the size and shape of a wall mounted air conditioning unit. There is another girl across from me. Ruddy faced Irish broad but she’s wearing a low cut V neck dress and about an inch and a half of tit is showing. I’ll have to make do. Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: Ringing in the New Year

31 Dec
image stolen from also, katherine heigl is a twat.

image stolen from also, katherine heigl is a twat.

“AJ” writes:

Reader Mailbag:

New Year’s Eve in LA/Echo Park… 

- Do you hit up El Prado or elsewhere?

- Things that have happened to you in the past. 

- Expectations for this year. 



- Do you hit up El Prado or elsewhere?

I don’t know. I might go to Red Lion, there’s a thing. I might go to Short Stop, right down the hill. Gravity. But both those places will be amateur hour. Both will be packed with more cock than a tub of chicken salad. What I need is a house party. Like last year. I thought New Years was gonna suck but Astrid found this place where– get this– half the people were women. Some of them were attractive. Imagine! I boned a girl in a band who looked like that National Geographic “Faces of Afghanistan” cover. In the morning she played me her music. It was actually good. Still, I blew her off. Continue reading

Everybody Relax

15 Dec
image stolen from

image stolen from

You will be raped. Your children will be sex trafficked. You will be denied Equal Pay by a White Male. Sexually harassed by a White Male. Sent an inappropriate OKCupid message by a White Male. A White Hetcis Male, to be clear. The gays are OK. You will be stranger raped. Flailing with your keys sticking out between your fingers like they taught you in self defense class. It does nothing. They didn’t teach you how to throw a punch to begin with. When I can walk down the street without fear we will be equal, you say as you recoil from a house spider. You will be catcalled. White Males will shout at you on the street. You will be raped. You will be date raped, gray raped, you will be date rape drugged. You or your children will be sweet talked into drinking Everclear and group fingerfucked by the White Male football team. Your rapist will be someone you know and trust. The call is coming from inside the house. He will rape you with his Rape Culture. Your White Male boss will sexually harass you. Strip you of your equal pay. The White Males in congress will throw WOC’s and genderqueers in rape camps. If you don’t know what “WOC” means you are a rapist. You will be oppressed until no film, TV show or magazine adequately reflects your point of view. The writing staff of your favorite series will be understocked with Black and Latina women. The network made a whole diversity program and everything. Then all they did was hire one Korean broad out of Harvard. You will be raped. Yoga pants will not be available in your size forever. You will cry out on the internet. And a man, a man, a White Male will tweet something at you in response. Something mean. A rape threat. A death threat. You will be raped and murdered and raped by raping rapists on Twitter by tweets and comments and trolls. Check your privilege, you cry vainly. You will shout your pain into the wind as you are raped. Continue reading

Suggestion Box: Let’s Make Hardcore Pornography

29 Oct
image stolen from

image stolen from

My buddy finances porn. Little shit, nothing you’ve heard of. But he’s moving into the clips4sale world. You post clips of fetishes so obscure that there’s not enough on the tube sites. Guys pay to download them. Women stomping on balls, popping balloons with their pussies. Guys shitting in diapers and getting laughed at. Weird shit. It’s one of the last places where the money is.

He asked me to help out. Find fetishes that are underrepresented. Niches to fill. We have girls who will do anything. Do not raise your daughter as a Jehovah’s Witness.

So what I want to know is: what twisted shit do you desperately want to jerk it to, but can’t find enough of? Comment or email me. I don’t judge. I jerk to dwarves, diaper girls, fat pigs, small penis humiliation, unwanted impregnation… that’s just scratching the surface. I jerk it to shit that would make a billygoat puke. Anything but studio porn with fake watermelon tits and tacky post-molestation piercings. I don’t give a fuck. In my actual sex life I’m a staggering bore. 

What’s a fetish scene you want to see? Or in a vanilla sex scene, what’s a scenario or plot you want that doesn’t exist? We can do old school stuff with dialogue, locations. What type of girl(s), guy(s) aren’t out there enough? Whatever you want to jerk to but can’t.

I can’t promise anything in return. If you’re not anonymous and suggest a winner I’ll try to hook you up. Give you the clip you requested free at least, if it can be done. Name the actress after your grandmother. Whatever I can do. But I have no idea how the money side of this works, so.  You may suggest a billion dollar idea and be left holding your dick.

I’m in California. Legal to shoot here. Films will be shot and distributed by pros in compliance with all applicable laws.

Book of Lamentations

1 Oct


My asshole bleeds and bleeds now. From shitting so much. I shit, I wipe my bloody ass, grind the shit right into my bloodstream. Shit that is filled with third world parasites. I should see a doctor. But what are they gonna do. Been through this before. Round 1: ride it out for a few more days, they will say. Stay hydrated. Eat a high fiber diet. On your first visit, a doctor gives you as much new information as the warning on a pack of cigarettes. “Uh, try living healthier. Do healthy things you’ve heard about on TV.” Continue reading


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