Tag Archives: okcupid

OKCupid Starter Kit: Copy This and Tell Me What Happens

4 Aug

 

image stolen from boingboing.net

image stolen from boingboing.net

Go do this right now. It’ll take 30 minutes:

1. Open your profile. Get your photos in order. Put your 3 hottest pics from facebook on top.

2. In “details,” add 2 inches to your height and give yourself a $20,000 raise. Like every other dude.

3. Cut and paste the below essays. Do not edit. In “About Me,” add the name of your town. If you’re a girl, change “cock” to “pussy,” but– you’re not a girl. Get rid of “I’m Really Good At” & “I Spend A Lot of Time Thinking About” if you already have them: Continue reading

The Wolf Witch

3 Jul
image stolen from conanevolved.wordpress.com

image stolen from conanevolved.wordpress.com

They were laying in bed. He had her ipad on his lap to watch Conan the Barbarian. Golden Age Schwarzenegger had fled across frozen wastes. He came upon a hut. A woman with 1982 plastic surgery stood in the door. Do you not wish to warm yourself by my fire?

I’ve been unfair to you, she said. He paused the movie.

What?

I shouldn’t even tell you this but I forgot my texts come to that fucking thing.

Well I didn’t look. But now you better tell me.

It might hurt you.

Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: How to Get Pussy on OKCupid

6 Oct

“Crom” writes:

Since it seems you’ve banged a ridiculous amount of women from OKC, would it be possible for you to drop a datasheet/guide on OKC from opener-bang?

Or at least, yoda, just help this young man along, mentor him and pass on your legacy? HAHA

because I get many profiles views, replies, and numbers but I have a hard time turning that into dates. I know all the basic logistical shit and I’m not new to game. can you show me a screencap/transcript of how you play things?

I typically have decent openers, but the replies from women are so banal or the profiles are bare and generic, I have very little to work with. How do go from opener>chatting>IRL meeting. I’m getting phone numbers but having difficulty with getting meet ups.

You’re probably sick of jackasses like me asking you things like this so I understand. >_>

Don’t listen to me. I know nothing. I’ve blown more easy ass than I’ve gotten. What I do get doesn’t make me happy. My OKCupid tricks will not help anybody. The short version is: be me. Then go on a date and behave like me. I am over six feet tall, white*, and not ugly. I am a hilarious genius. Fuck off if you don’t think so. The way to get pussy on OKCupid is to be a tall, not ugly, hilarious genius.

Then again I’m broke as shit and a filthy alcoholic pervert. I make this known. Reading my profile, you can almost smell my broken, hissing toilet. See the house centipede as long as a dollar bill gnawing a fresh log of tuna fish shit in my cat’s litter box. You read my profile and you know that there’s a half empty flour sack sitting torn open in the back of my cupboard, swarming with weevils. I come out and say it: I want to have filthy unprotected gutter sex on our first date and then never speak again. I still get laid. The women are often wonderful. So maybe there’s something to it. Continue reading

OKCupid: Water Water Everywhere

16 Aug

albatross full

Back on OKCupid for a minute. The women have gotten worse. They’re not less attractive physically. But the banality of their profiles has, impossibly, increased. Used to be 90% of women were the “live learn laugh love” people. Now it’s 99% . The if you want to know more about me just ask. The I love my dog, I love my job, I love my family and friends. Everything in my life is perfect I just need the right man to share it with. The anything by Haruki Murakami and David Sedaris women. Radiohead. All music except country. Or all music except rap and country. The PLEASE READ MY PROFILE BEFORE MESSAGING ME I AM NOT INTERESTED IN CASUAL SEX cast into the deaf wind like a prayer to a dead god.

The meaningless Meyers-Briggs letter jumbles. Science’s version of Cosmo’s Are You Good Girl Sexy or Bad Girl Sexy test. I have a kid, I love my kid, you have to understand that my kid comes first. Never I have a kid and I put him in one of those bigass industrial tupperware bins with a bunch of plants when I fuck guys off the internet. I’m hoping it will create a biodome. Continue reading

Look upon Two Hours of a Woman’s Inbox, and Despair

23 Jul

womans inbox

I’ve covered this before, but in case you need further discouragement.  

Diary: The Big Date

23 Jun
nervous first date

image stolen from davidwygant.com

This chick, this OKCupid chick, this smarmy feminist comedian chick, is she going to confirm our non-alcoholic day date and why do I give fuck except I’m curious. Why is it always like this. Days before the date I’m secretly hoping they’ll flake, secretly thinking I’ll just go out to some swimming pool and take my shirt off and get younger, better looking pussy. And then once I send a text to confirm I’m biting my nails thinking omigod she’ll never actually go out with me she’s way too cool for me she hangs out with a bunch of professional comedians and famous people and needs a guy with a job the same or better as hers omigod I’ll die alone; the cat will eat my tender eyeballs first. Continue reading

OKCupid: What I’m Doing with My Life

6 Apr

s-OKCUPID-TIPS-large

Nuking the OKC profile againMight make this a monthly feature.

What I’m Doing with My Life

I’m basically a hobo with an apartment. I was fired from my job in February for just sheer horrific not giving a fuck and since then I’m paid by your tax dollars to drink and masturbate. I have no idea when or how I will get another job. I have applied for dozens and dozens of them, that I am supremely qualified for, and have heard nothing back. It’s OK. Working sucks. I can’t not admit that to myself. I can’t say “I loved my previous job and am really excited about building a career and synergy and outside the box blah blah blah,” so, I am not qualified to work. I complain that people won’t hire me but fuck man, they shouldn’t hire me, because I don’t give a shit about them or their company and I will only hate them for making me show up. I will coast on the least amount of effort possible. I will jerk off at work if there’s any privacy. Who wants that around. Continue reading

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