Tag Archives: reader mailbag

Reader Mailbag: How’s OKCupid Working Out?

25 Mar

worldwarzpostersmall

Background here.

(REDACTED) asks:

Hey Cornelius,

How has the new “You should message me if…” section been working out?

Not well, but who gives a shit. I had one date. A girl I messaged when she had no picture. When it finally went up she was cute, but we had established rapport. If OKCupid’s  World War Z unlaid hordes had known she was hot before I talked to her, who knows. The date was OK but we will not go out again. She is allergic to cats, and also, she does not like me.

Sent out a couple other messages, got nothing. They were my copypasta:

“I want to go out with you.

Basically.”

The girls were cute and seemed interesting. Their bones had been picked clean by World War Z no doubt. Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: What Are You Gonna Do

16 Jan

Various concerned readers ask:

Did you get fired yet?  When are you getting fired?  Do you know what you’re going to do for a job?  Are you scared? Etc.

depression unemployment

I’m still working, but not for long.  Any day.  I have found no job, and that’s because I want no job.  I want to be unemployed. I want to take a break and write all day, and fuck you, that’s what I’m gonna do.  Not “fuck you” as in you, but you know, naysayers.  I have fear and insecurity about it, that my writing won’t be any good.  But fuck you, it will be good.  Or at least, it’ll start out at whatever level it’s at and, one hopes, get better as I practice.  Because what you’re seeing is 25 minutes per day.  Maybe an hour on the weekends.  As soon as I get a good idea going I have to get up and go do some work related shit.  No more.
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Reader Mail Sac: I Am Insecure about My Vagina

29 Aug

“Every Girl I Know” writes, and says constantly:

“I’m afraid after I have kids it’s gonna be a hot dog down a hallway.”

“It’s for real, roast beefy. Like, the inner lips are way too big. That shit looks like it’s been chewed on. Fruit leather.”

“I’m insecure about the smell, taste, and appearance of my vagina and blah blah blah endlessly.”

Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: Do You Actually Like Women?

23 Apr

“Jess” asks:

Also – do you actually like women? It seems like you like pretty girls and getting off, but I can’t tell if you actually like women.

I mean, sometimes.

Sometimes I like them, sometimes I don’t like them. Or rather, I like some women and not other women. I end up hanging out with tons of women these days, to the point where I am now like the annoying woman who says she can’t stand other women and all her friends are men. Because she can’t stand all the “drama,” etc.

So I like women. But then I don’t get laid for a good like six weeks and I start to hate women. If I see a woman talking to another man in a bar, and she seems interested in what he’s saying, I will hate that woman. I will hate that woman for falling for the same bullshit that that dude is pulling that he pulls on every other girl, that every other dude who is successful with women pulls, and I cannot pull, and I will resent her for not abandoning that successful charming dude and somehow recognizing, like, pheromonally, the true inner beauty of the marginally attractive drunk man at the other end of the bar scowling at her. And then later she will probably fucking complain to some guy like me about how that guy cheated on her or didn’t call her and I will sullenly think what the fuck did you expect? I will feel like I am the guy who has to soak up some girl’s tears while some other guy is soaking up that ass. I will begin to identify myself as the “nice guy” who doesn’t get laid because of some deeper inherent virtue than all those sleazy guys who are actually out there getting laid. I become exactly what surly Jezebel commenters call a NiceGuy™– a whiny self-pitying douche who morphs into a quasi-date rapist at the first glimpse of pussy.
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Reader Mailbag: How to Make a Good OKCupid Profile

8 Apr

REDACTED asks:

I gotta be honest man. You have the best profile I’ve ever read. Both in terms of being well-written, paced and humorous, and also as probably able to wrangle in more women than any other jerkoff profile I’ve seen. Respect.

That being said, I’m curious if you could give me your thoughts on my profile. I know it’s kind of a lame thing to ask, but fuck it, you get it. Do you have any advice for me on how to better attract chicks on here?

OK, well first of all, thank you for saying such nice things.  I like my profile, too.  I get a lot of these emails because of reddit users briefly discussing me months ago.  And most of my visitors are dudes from out of state.  So, thanks guys.  I wish you were nubile young women from Southern California, but, fuck it.  At least someone gives a shit.

But I should tell you– I get an incoming email from an actual girl in my age range about once every two weeks.  If this is in fact the best profile on the entirety of OKCupid, and I am a six foot one athletically built white guy who is gainfully employed in a major metropolis, and this is the unsolicited message yield one can expect from an “original” and “humorous” profile, men are genuinely fucked.  Plus my response rate on outgoing emails is about fifty per cent, my phone number rate when I ask this fifty percent for it is about fifty percent, the call back rate when I leave a message is about fifty per cent, and the amount of dates that actually result in sexual intercourse or wanting to see the other person again is fifty per cent, and so on.  I am in a Zeno’s paradox of pussy where you are walking halfway of halfway of halfway along a wall forever and by the time all the hoops are jumped through the possibility of having an actual relationship is functionally zero. So even if this profile is so fucking great, it’s like– the most lethal Nerf weapon ever invented.  There’s just not much you can do. Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: BF Out of My League

15 Mar

(REDACTED) asks:

I guess I want to know why an incredible good looking man would date an average looking woman…I met a hot as hell man who should be dating a supermodel and for some reason he has an interest in me, he’s not pushing sex at all, so I dont think its him thinking I’m desperate and he could easily get into my pants…he just wants to hang out and gives me amazing kisses. I dont get it. I’m an hour away, I dont drive, I dont have a job and I’m very average looking and a little chubby. I’m just not sure how to proceed with him.

Uh, who cares?  Pussy is pussy.  Or in your case, dick is dick.  Or, non-dick is non-dick, since you say he isn’t using you for sex.

Wait, why is that a good thing, that he isn’t fucking you.  That he isn’t “pushing” to fuck you.  Fucking is good.

I mean, I don’t know why he wants to date you.  But who cares.  I used to think that all the time—why on earth would this girl want to be with me, etc.  Every time.  Every time they would stop dating me. No good can ever come of thinking this. Continue reading

Reader Mailbag: How to Suck a Dick

5 Mar

“Anonymous” writes:

I don’t have any specific questions about sex, but I suspect lots of people would appreciate advice/instructions from both of you on how to…do stuff well.

Personally I want blow job advice and general advice like sounds and stuff.

Help us internet loners out.

All right.  How to give a blowjob.

1)    Eat the fucking cum.

Just fucking eat it.  I was getting blown just recently, actually, and as soon as I started actually popping off the girl pulled her head back, aghast, and left me to nut unstimulated into my own navel.  This woman was thirty two years old.  An actress/ waitress.  Unless she is some weird prudish aberration, she has sucked a lot of dicks.  She has had a lot of cum shot in her mouth.  But she pulled her head back—which means she was the kind of girl who, in college, would look you in the eye as she was about to go down and suck your dick and say “tell me if you’re about to cum, OK?”  OK.  They’re never saying that so they can suddenly enhance the experience by giving you an even better blowjob just as you are about to bust that sublime nut– it’s always so they can squeamishly pull away at the last second.  So they can switch from a delightful blowjob to a halfhearted and insulting handjob, because they have a girlish revulsion from “gross” things like the fluid they are trying to suck out of your dick.

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