Tag Archives: relationships

Fourth Step

4 Jun
image stolen from bubblews.com

image stolen from bubblews.com

I’m on the fourth step of Alcoholics Anonymous. You make a list of everyone you resent, and why.

1) Lauren, My First Girlfriend

After we broke up she told me a parking attendant raped her. In one of those big concrete structures, the little office they have. On one of those wheely office chairs with the one broken caster. He hit her and held a knife to her neck and raped her, she said. Then she passed out. When she woke up he had left a note. It said “you get what you deserve bitch.”

The parking attendant raped her. So she needed someone to be with her whenever she drove past the scene. So: could I please come. She was on her way to see her new boyfriend, at the college across town. Continue reading

Dear Nicole: The Future Wife

23 Feb

Here’s what happened.  As you know, Nicole, I despair of ever finding a mate and hate & resent that you have a live-in boyfriend.  In fact I hate and resent anyone who can find a relationship.

Anyway, I was driving home Thursday night and despairing about this.  I actually resorted to prayer.  I said, please, God, let me meet my future wife.  And I had this kind of premonition that said: if you go to the Short Stop tonight, she will be there.

Normally I would dismiss this sort of thing, but it felt different, and realer than my other crazy thoughts.  Also, last time I actually prayed, it was “please, God, just let something good happen to me tonight,” and I went to the Short Stop, and a hot girl was actually there, alone, and I took her home and boned her.  So God has come through for me at the Short Stop before, seriously.

So I went.  I was tired, and had shit to do, but I went, just in case God was sending my future wife there.  The idea was that if I sat down and had two drinks, I would meet her.  So as soon as I walk in I start scouting out the talent.  Fat Mexican chicks, ugly girls— one cute girl but clearly a Lesbian…. nothing.  But as I’m ordering my second drink I see a really cute but just flawed enough that I might actually have a shot type chick, with a dude who is way better looking than me.  I assume this is her boyfriend.  But just as I’m getting down to the LAST SIP of my second drink this girl comes up and stands next to me, and asks me what I’m looking at on my blackberry. She needs to stay by the bar to give the dude, her roommate, space to hit on a chick.

Continue reading

OKCupid: Fatties

29 Jan

You know how it is.  Lotta fatties on OKC.  Your first harbinger of this— I mean, besides everybody knowing that the internet is full of fat chicks, this fact having suffused our popular culture, etc.—your first harbinger of this is the weight class list it makes you pick from, which has like two words for skinny and fifteen different kinds of fat.

Because of course we all know “average” means fat. These eighteen to thirty-five year old L.A. girls are generously assorting  themselves according to the national average across all age groups. Not the average for eighteen to thirty-five year olds in Los Angeles, California, as a reasonable layman would expect “average” to mean when looking for that age group in this city.  These girls are following the letter of the law and not the spirit, like Hasids who string yarn along the telephone wires on their block so they’re technically in an enclosed space and can walk around on the Sabbath. So “average” means fat.

Continue reading

Premature Ejaculation

27 Jan

Michel Houellebecq once said “there are two stages in a mans’ life: the first when he comes too fast, and the second when he can’t get hard anymore.”

This is close to the truth, but the reality is more like you are constantly in one or the other stage at all phases in your life. I am thirty five and a half years old and I STILL feel like I’m going to blow the second I get in the pussy.  Or I’m too drunk and I can’t get wood at all; you have to come out and tell the chick she has to suck you off to get you hard and this is not a proposition that your average first date off OKCupid smiles on, you know.  Sucking off some drunk’s musty whiskey dick.  Really the only way you’re going to get laid on the first date, unless you really have a live one on your hands, is to masterfully eat her pussy for a good five minutes and then just vault up on top of her and put your dick in smoothly. Any break in the action is going to kill it. Continue reading

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