And now I’m on a plane watching The New Girl. Tonight’s guest star is Justin Long.
This episode of The New Girl that JetBlue is playing over and over and over again in a synergistic partnership with News Corp. Inc. is as amusing as watching all of my loved ones burned alive while a holocaust documentary plays on an Imax screen. I am laughing as much as I would at a baby bird being ground into the dirt with Hitler’s boot while a narrator intones the names of every victim killed in the Sandy Hook shooting. Justin Long loves Zooey Deschanel, but she doesn’t love him back. Some other guy whom I believe to be heterosexual as much as I believe in the chupacabra loves Zooey Deschanel’s friend and/ or roommate, but she doesn’t love him back. The men express their love guilelessly and the women blushingly accept it because it would be too awkward to tell them fuck off. That’s the joke. Justin Long bought Zooey Deschanel way too nice a Christmas present; this means he loves her. It would be too awkward for her to say she doesn’t love him, so she will hold it in until the end of the episode where they’re forced to have it out due to some contrivance. And he can’t figure it out on his own because he is a person on television; he is required to be an idiot for the story. Someone so poor at reading people in real life would be at about “ultraviolet” on the Autism Spectrum and claw your eyes out when you moved his oscillating fan. Continue reading